SimonOnSports

Drew Rosenhaus seems like an a-hole. It comes as no surprise that he would represent an eclectic group of atheletes of equal or greater a-holeness. The current Lance Briggs “I like to smash up peoples dream cars” situation sparked my in interest this. I started asking Simon about it, and after some research, this is what I’ve come up with… First, you can view the Rosenhaus Sports Representation client list here at the never questioned Wikipedia. You can tell by the Superman symbol that they can not only get you an outstanding contract, but can do it faster than a speeding bullet while they leap tall buildings in a single bound. I could go on and on about what a smarmy ass clown this guy is, but I’d rather talk about scumbag idiot athletes. Who knew smarmy was an actual word? 1) Lance Briggs I know he says he “panicked” and abandoned the scene, but I’ve abandoned the scene before and then ate a half jar of peanut butter and waited for the cruiser. Of course I had the luxury

It's ok though cause he did his tough guy chest pound afterwards. That's right you're hard or your nuts are small enough that somehow that missed.

~James Blake actually didn't choke in the 5th set last night that is friggin great. Cost me a about an hour of sleep but it was worth it watching Santoro's 1980s beach polo. Santoro is also pretty fun to watch because he's french and well a pussy, he can't hit the ball hard so all he does is slice and lob and act like a human mosquito. It would be overly annoying to play that guy. ~100% Injury Rate which always seems to dig up solid stories uncovered the fact that their is a Vick-esque dog fighting incident in Ireland right now. Gerard Calvin a Gaelic Football star got busted for his own Dog Fighting ring . Good thing he's from Northern Ireland so I can disassociate myself from him ~So who wants to play beer pong digitally, on the Wii of course . Does the Wii have solid internet connection, like will you be able to play a buddy in beer pong on the web? That's insanity, and overly anti-social. ~Remember when Billy Wagner choked non stop for the Phillies a

Not Quite to the level of Waste of Mr. Beckett last week but this week did provide us with some nice meltdowns in temper and logic. Here are this weeks contestants: 1. Brett Myers - You know maybe I can understand making excuses after blowing a game at the launching pad that is in Philadelphia by giving up two homers in the ninth. Calling the homers popups. And maybe I can understand flipping out on the press. But doing both in the span of a few minutes simply because the one reporter said he thought one of the homers was legit. Ya Anger problems. 2. Rafer Alston - Just what the NBA needs to improve its image, a little casual knife fight. Skip 2 My Lou is giving the And 1 mix tape tour a bad rap, well except for maybe the Professor he probably could use a little hard image change considering he's got the physique of Cotton. 3. Renato "Babalu" Sobral - The first rule of fight club You Do Not Talk about Fight Club... Seventh Rule, Fights will go as long as they have

That was intelligence at it's finest. And check out her subway map , it's pretty damn funny. Wow tough guy one second, infant baby the next. Personifies Cub fans everywhere. Now if he was on the sidelines and not in the game when he did this does the team have to play with 10 men? Does he get a red card, I'd imagine so. Some people in the South don't like watching a fat out of shape kid get his ass kicked by a professional MMA fighter? Wow people in the South believe in humanity, who knew. I love when Refs get jacked up... I didn't know blindfolds turned you into Hellen Keller... Thanks for that Ashley. Courtesy of (in order) EC , With Leather, Who Ate All the Pies , 100% Injury Rate , Youtube , FoodCourtLunch

Mr. Chamberlain got thrown out of the game after an inning and a third today. For throwing high nonetheless, which Sterling said was nonsense, I guess we'll believe him. Although Youkilis is ugly so I would say that the intent could have been there. But the question must be asked, since he pitched an inning and a third, can he pitch on Saturday? Even Sterling said, "I wonder if this means that Joba can pitch after just one days rest." Very astute John, I am shocked. My guess is Chamberlain can pitch on Saturday only if the inning comes after 3:33. Why? Because that doesn't make any sense, kind of like the overly precautious Joba rules in the first place. Oh, and he threw less than 20 pitches again so he could by Little League standards pitch tomorrow. But in solid news the Yankees swept. Woo. And Edwar avoided what could have been the lamest first earned run in a professional career. Since if he let Youkilis on base the hit or walk would have been credited to

You better have that worried look on your face Michael. Underdog takes crap from no one. He's going to tear you limb from limb. Courtesy of Gary Varvel

Ever since bringing up Joba Chamberlain the Yanks have enforced the so called Joba rules in which for every inning he pitches during a game he needs a day off. This somewhat makes sense since Joba is a starting pitcher and is not used to throwing daily and he is a prized jewel in the organization so why risk damage to his arm. The Yanks should be cautious and make sure nothing destructive happens over the last month and a half of the season. Meanwhile the Little League World Series was going on and I was very much annoyed by their new pitching restrictions on players . You could only throw 85 pitches in a game? Come on. The kid from Texas had a chance to make history twice but was kicked to the curb cause he hit 85 pitches. And they implemented a strict 20 pitch rule where if you threw over 20 pitches in a game you couldn't throw the next day, so sometimes kids didn't get threw a single inning and had to be taken out so they could be brought into the game the next day.

"Fighting the Biased and Discrimination against the Mustached American. Doing whatever we can to support to Mustached American, so that they can live their lives as freely as someone without a mustache." Well said my mustachio'd friend. Well Said.

5. Eastern Carolina Pirates at Virginia Tech Hokies This game is less about the competitiveness and more about the return of College Football and some distractions to the VaTech campus after the horrible events of earlier this year. If anything can bring that community together it's their passion for the football team. In addition College Gameday will be there. The Pick: VaTech by mucho 4. Louisiana State Tigers at Mississippi State Bulldogs The opener on National Television tomorrow night. The game shouldn't really be that competitive. MSU is very bad and and LSU is amongst the National Title hopefuls. But it signals the start of football in 2007 and for that reason its big. So enjoy the first half before the game is out of hand. The Pick: LSU in a landslide 3. Florida State Seminoles at Clemson Tigers Bowden bowl in the opening week of the season? Interesting. Personally I'm not a fan of big in conference matchups to open the season, I really think there should

College Football starts tomorrow night... Yes tomorrow night, fall is almost upon us so here goes a full out conference by conference BCS by BCS prediction. And then in January I can pretend like I was a genius or not mention how bad my picks were. Conferences I Don't Care About Winners Sub Belt: Louisiana Lafayette, cause their Ragin Cajuns. CUSA East: Southern Miss, Home of Favre. CUSA West: Houston, Cause Everyone Loves Cougars. CUSA Winner: Houston, Again Cougars = USA. MAC East: Bowling Green, Cause I like Bowling. MAC West: Western Michigan, A Directional Michigan Winning? MAC Winner: Western Michigan, And the Title too? Mountain West: TCU, Blew it last year, won't this year. WAC: Hawaii, Colt Brennan will put up massive #s. Important Conference Winners ACC Atlantic: I'm going bounce back year for FSU in the ACC Atlantic because they finally fired their douche offensive coordinator that refused to get it done year after year. Now Bobby brought in some real

See this is what half time entertainment should be all of the time. Children get wrecked by something, whether that be mascots or actual NFL players. More children getting hit = more quality entertainment. Courtesy of First and 10 Inches

Yesterday, I sent out a desperate plea for folks to vote for Kige Ramsey for the Deadspin Hall of Fame . He was right there yesterday when I mailed in my last vote. He sat at 72.9% just a mere 2.1% percent away from the strict Deadspin Cutoff. Over the next hour Kige climbed closer and closer and reached 74.1% of the vote , just .9% away. But alas he was denied, so close and yet so far. What a sad day for everyone in the blogosphere universe. I implore you Mr. Leitch, a Veteran's Committee vote for Kige Ramsey. Phil Rizzuto didn't get in on the Writers' Ballot, but the Veteran's Committee was there to back him up and send the Scooter to the Hall. Like Scooter, Kige always brings his best to his broadcasts. He offers top notch opinions like calling Who's Now one of the best segments Sportscenter has ever done. You have to have a lot of stones to take such a controversial stance on such a hot topic. Only someone deserving of a hall of fame could ever take aw

Last night their just so happened to be a Lunar Eclipse in Massachusetts, so of course someone in Massachusetts had to remember that there was a Lunar Eclipse the last time the Red Sox won the World Series and therefore it's a good omen . "The last time there was a mix of a lunar eclipse and a baseball game it worked out really well for the Red Sox," Binzel said. "We'll see if the magic can repeat itself." How about the omen that is good is the fact that the Yanks have lost 5 of their last 7 games and are coming off a pummeling at the hands of the Tigers.

Tiger Woods is sweet. I can't wait until Sir Charles is in Tiger Woods golf sometime in the future. I wonder if on the Wii if you were to use Sir Charles you would have to attempt the hitch in the swing. Legitimately I don't think anyone in the world has a worse golf swing. Courtesy of Sons of Sam Malone

Well use your hair of course. The only problem is that Chad Johnson went for 83 yards on 5 catches with one touchdown... So the trash talk didn't remotely work. I'm beginning to think that DeAngelo Hall is one of the most overrated players in the NFL, I'm sure his hype will go down a bit this season when the Falcons suck though. Courtesy of Mr. Irrelevant and the Fanhouse

Kige's analysis is so crisp and on the money all the time, the kid needs to make the Deadspin hall. It will be his lifelong crowning achievement. Vote For Kige for the Deadspin Hall of Fame

I always kind of felt the steeple chase didn't get enough pub during typical track events. But now that I've seen a dude headbutt the massive hurdle, I'm thinking it definitely needs more love. Courtesy of Fanhouse

~In points you can make to say golf is not a sport see exhibit A. Colt Knost, who played in yesterday's US Amateur final and won. See he's fat, really fat as you can see. I think he's got a keg and a half instead of a six pack. I'm surprised he can actually walk 18 holes. He's the reason why golfers should carry their own bags, I don't think he could handle it. ~Travis Henry needs to get paid. Why because he has 9 different children with 9 different woman in 4 different states and he needed to borrow cash from the Titans to pay off payments he missed last season. ~Lance Briggs totaled his $350,000 Lamborghini on a Chicago Expressway and fled the scene leaving the car abandoned. This screams one of two things either someone stole the car, or Briggs was drunk and didn't want to get a DUI and thus fled the scene. I'd assume the latter. ~Vick Officially plead guilty this morning so we can enjoy his sentencing.... Which takes place in f*ing December.

So I traveled up to Mass this weekend to booze it up with my college buddies. I won one dominating game of horseshoes (Clarky is good), I broke one patio chair leg and carried it around like it was a Preying Mantis leg, I was probably incredibly annoying to everyone involved, and then I passed out on a sofa most likely before everyone else, all an all a mediocre to poor showing by myself but still a good time. But on to what pissed me off this weekend, the Mass Pike. So I'm heading up on saturday afternoon and I'm making beautiful time, driving about 85 the entire way until all of a sudden I get on the Mass Pike and within a mile I'm in bumper to bumper traffic. Because I am completely impatient this pisses me off to no end. Eventually leading me to just drop F bombs at the top of my lungs for no other reason then I'm pissed off and want to move. So of course what always peaks my interest is what stupid shit garnered this traffic. Could it be someone pulled off o

So I have a class and one of my assignments was to do an analysis of two competitors in a business. And because I did well in the rest of my assignments and the teacher is an ardent Yankee fan I figured why the hell not, lets do a Yankee vs. Red Sox comparison. Focus In the upcoming stages of professional baseball the two teams that stand above the rest will be the Yankees and the Red Sox. Due to the financial structure of major league baseball teams that can raise their salary levels higher than the typical team have a significant advantage to compete. This paper will analyze the similarities and differences in ways that the Yankees and Red Sox are currently acquiring their cash to supply to their teams salaries and possible ventures in the future, which could expand their wealth. The paper will provide a value curve comparison between the two franchises. Value Curve Categories Brand Name: Both franchises have a large history resulting in loyal local fan bases as well fans through

~First off here are my three posts at EC this week: One again about the douche who caught 756 and the other about how I think the drafting two RBs in the two rounds theory is nonsense. Where myself and Winning the Turnover Battle are engaged a little bit in the comments section as he is a major proponent of it. And this one about whether the nut grabber should be raped in prison . ~Gary Sheffield being injured is both killing the Detroit Tigers and killing two of my fantasy teams. He better just go on the DL soon, shit is killing me. If it wasn't by Sept. 1 he would be on the DL by now. ~I feel as if the Yanks are gonna rack around the Tigers yet again this weekend. I think the Tigers are set to edge themselves further away from the Indians which is a shame because at one point I thought they were the scariest team in baseball. ~David Beckham got into a little scuffle last night. Soccer scuffles are hilarious because every one is a little bitch and doesn't know how to

The one at the 1:26 mark is probably my favorite, it's like a give it go / back door cut in basketball. Although I can't say I even knew that PK pass was legal. I thought the Keeper atleast had to touch it. Courtesy of The Offside

And I've taken part in or seen some pretty ridiculous stunts while drunk. I've seen friends get teeth smashed out their mouth, fingers damn near cut off and I've seen a gallon of beer get polished off in under 20 minutes. Well under. Hell, I've even poured a grill full of burning charcoal into my trunk...while it was full I've fireworks. But I've never been as drunk, nor have I ever seen anybody as drunk, as you'd have to be to do something this retarded . I don't what the thought process was, but I'd like to. It was suggested to me that perhaps he was just looking for a safe place to shack up for the night and thought, "Nobody can bother me in that cage." I for one think the bears may have looked thirsty, and perhaps this clown was trying to share the festive attitude. But, we all know how picky bears can be when it comes to beer.

This should be a mandatory build at the fraternity. And launch people right into the library parking lot, I'm sure we wouldn't go on probation again or anything. Courtesy of AA

There were a few early week candidates that looked like they could be in strong contention but then one man shined above all else and proved to be perhaps the biggest waste of oxygen this year. Here are the contestants: 1. Mark Reynolds - When you're a professional baseball player striking out sucks. If you strike out the only benefit is that you effectively can't hit into a double play. Well Reynolds effectively couldn't hit into a double play 9 consecutive at bats. 2. Latrell Sprewell - Poor Latrell at one point complained about how in the world he was going to be able to feed his children on his million dollar contract. Well apparently he wasn't getting paid enough to save up and not be due over a million of back payments for his yacht. Poor Guy, now he's gonna have to sell Milwaukee's Best. 3. Atlas - Remember the old school arm wrestling games at the Arcade back in the day? They were so bulky and really not that cool. Well Japan with all their inte

When Sideyard was on the Sox, man was he a douche. I hated that guy and his damn NESN commercials and the Cowboy Up crap. The sad fact is that his two walks in 2004 might be the biggest at bats in Red Sox history. Kind of disgusting. Courtesy of Fanhouse

30-3 now that is complete suckitude. I absolutely can't wait until Elias, Jayson Stark, or Tiny Tim comes out with some posts that analyze all of the ridiculous facts about this game. I've already heard a few solid tidbits like the Rangers struck out 30 times in their previous two games and scored 30 runs in the next. They actually didn't score in more innings than they did. The Oreo's team era went from 7th in the AL to 11th in that single game. Etc...

Again I was listening to talk radio yesterday and heard more nonsensical words spoken. As we all know Tom Brady is about to be a daddy and well, he's asked for a little time off so he can witness the birth of his first child. This only happens once in your lifetime so it makes pretty much perfect sense for a man to want to witness this event, regardless of whether you are still with the mother or not. Well apparently it doesn't make sense to Missanelli, probably because he's an idiot, but he believes that Brady essentially acted as a sperm bank and that him wanting to witness the birth of his son after he broke up with a pregnant woman is blasphemous. Mike, get with the 21st century. First off Brady dumped her before he knew she was pregnant. Just because she was pregnant doesn't mean that Brady should fling his new girlfriend down the sewer and run back to the old girl whom he was obviously not overly happy with. Next, just because he wants to witness the birth of hi

The two biggest villains of the past 10 years in Detroit have arguably been Matt Millen and Joey Harrington. They were synonymous with the Lions failure and helped make Detroit the laughing stock of the NFL. Harrington was the third pick and struggled to find any kind of success until eventually they dumped him in favor of Jon Kitna and sent him packing to Miami last season. Surprisingly enough their is one person coming to the defense of Joey Harrington and that person just so happens to be the best player on the Detroit Lions, Roy Williams. Roy came to the defense of Joey Harrington earlier this week and said that he thinks the system is why Harrington did not succeed in Detroit . "I wish Joey could have stayed here and been in this offense and be able to refine his tools under coach Martz," Williams said. "To me we were not short route guys," Williams said. "We didn't want to run the short route stuff. We wanted to run deep and I think that is what Joe

As I've proclaimed before I listen to a lot of talk radio. I have 2 hours of commute on non school days and 2:45 on days I have class which is filled mostly by talk radio. In addition often times at work I throw on the web feed of espn radio. So I listen to it a lot. And right now I am so damn sick of the Vick talk radio. Everything is so played out, the callers are the same, their points are the same, nothing is different than it was a month ago. Can we please talk about something else. Next time you hear someone on radio talk to Vick don't listen, I already know what the callers will be. Here's 10 callers you can expect to hear: 1. Puppy lover saying that Vick is disgraceful and how could you possibly do that to animals. 2. Guy from the south or Caribbean calling up and saying that Vick grew up with it and not to kill him cause he doesn't know better. 3. Guy calling up calling the radio host a racist saying that if Vick was a white athlete then they wouldn'

By now you've probably read somewhere or seen the fact that former NBA player Eddie Griffin died after driving his SUV into an oncoming train . J.A. Adande writes a terrific column on why Eddie Griffin is now the posterboy of how entering the draft early can be incredibly costly and the wrong decision . To me Eddie Griffin was one of my favorite players, as odd as that may sound to others. During the 00-01 season I absolutely fell in love with the Seton Hall team. They had three terrific freshman with Andre Barrett, Marcus Toney-El and Eddie himself. They had shot-blocking and uber athlete Samuel Dalembert. They got off to a terrific start and even sky rocketed to the #7 ranking in the country before collapsing in the Big East. They were by far my favorite team that season and Eddie was the shining star. I knew there was a great chance he was going to leave the Hall after winning freshman of the year honors but I hoped that he would stay at the Hall and lead them to a Fin

Now that move is just frigging unnecessary and awesome. It should be done at all times. Well unless you're fat and out of practice and try it again a decade later. Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

Hey say what you want about how much of a scumbag you think Mike Vick is, or that he wasn't that good of a quarterback anyone, but he was damn exciting and I don't know about you I will miss the occasional ridiculous highlight. As Ookie As Ron Mexico As Annoying Madden God

Let me preface this by saying that I haven't set up my PS2 in my house since college and probably should have just ebayed it a while ago. But during my heyday in late high school and my college years I played a lot of Madden and NCAA Football. And while I have always been a short passes west coast offense type of player, nothing ticked me off more than the players that played with the Falcons. The players that typically played with the Falcons did absolutely nothing but run with Vick. They didn't ever use runs, they instead would run pass plays, typically deep pass plays, scramble around with Vick and if nothing was open deep pick up a few rushing yards. It was incredibly annoying, and on those games where you were lucky enough to drill and injure Mike Vick these players were typically screwed. Without the scrambling they had pretty much no offense, it was all they did, run with the fastest QB in the game. Hell someone even made a compilation highlight video of how cheap

What does Tim Wakefield most likely have in common with you? Well he is completely against the letters ND and what they stand for. In fact he has made sure that he has done every single thing he could this season to disassociate himself with those letters. Tim has started 25 games this season for the Boston Red Sox. And after yesterdays start he sits with 15 wins, which is a surprising number for 41 year old. Winning 3/5 of your games started is a good number for any pitcher. Wakefield also has 10 losses so he loses 2/5 of his games. And that leaves zero No Decisions. I can't imagine that a pitcher has gone through a season in recent years and started 30+ games and had absolutely zero No Decisions. So is it a coincidence or is Tim Wakefield that much of a Notre Dame hater that if he doesn't feel like he's going to win the game he makes sure he picks up the loss just so that he won't associate himself with Touchdown Jesus or South Bend?

I wonder if you can time how quickly between the fist landing on his chin to his unconsciousness. It has to be close to or under a single second. Courtesy of the Fanhouse

Hahahaha. Mike Patrick apparently is not to aware for the youth of America's lingo. Might want to work on the knowledge base Mike. Courtesy of Mr. Irrelevant

Last season Chris Duncan was called up by the St. Louis Cardinals and showed a ton of power and has continued that into this season as he currently sits with 20 homers. What has been Chris' biggest problem during his 2 seasons with the Cardinals? He is absolutely hideous against left handed pitching. He's pretty much not worth playing and for the most part he rides the pine when they face lefties. Last season his average vs. lefties was .170 and this season he has raised it up to a better than mendoza line, but still piss poor mark of .222. Meanwhile, his elder brother Shelley has been called up by the Yanks and has become a fan favorite. What has Shelley so far shown this season in limited amount of at bats? He absolutely mauls left handed pitching. To the tune of 3 homers in 17 at bats. Here are their splits: Shelley vs. Lefties: .421 OBP, .882 SLG, .353 AVE, 5.667 AB/HR Chris vs. Righties: .380 OBP, .561 SLG, .285 AVE, 13.3 AB/HR So now let's get into a lab and

Two weeks down in the Premiership season and yet again a team from Manchester sits atop the rankings. That team however is not the mighty Reds it is in fact the powder blue wearing boys from the Eastern half of Manchester. And to do so the boys from City defeated the boys from United 1-0 this weekend . The funniest part is that Manchester City's manager is Sven-Goran Eriksson, the former English National manager who was pretty much crucified by the entire nation for being a horrible manager. Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson was amongst one of the more boisterous adversaries of Eriksson and well the Swede stuck it to the Scot this weekend. So Manchester United possibly the most prestigious professional sports club in the entire world, even more so than the Yankees perhaps, sits a point above relegation after 3 games while their neighbors are basking as the only 100% 3 games 3 wins. To put this in perspective, last season they won the premiership and finished the ent

The Pain: The Dual No Decision You wake up in the morning and check to see what pitchers are starting today and see where you may have an opportunity to pick up some wins and you look at the paper and see Scheduled Starter A vs. Scheduled Starter B, both of whom are on your team. Immediately the thought in your head is ok, well that kind of sucks but I have both starters so I should get a win out of it at least. Until the dreaded dual no decision, god damn. This week I was boned twice, both of which came in games that CC Sabathia pitched well this week. Tuesday CC Sabathia squared off against Jeremy Bonderman, who has sucked dong for the past month of the season. So one would think that if Bonderman got rocked again well than at least I would get a win out of it but no he pitched well. Bonderman and Sabathia both gave up 2 runs through 7 and the game went into extra innings. No wins for me. Then yesterday Sabathia squared off against James Shields, who hasn't been so hot la

This was probably the best catch of the entire baseball season. If it's over the fence they lose if he catches it they win, nothing more pressure packed then that. Plus, he got one of the first sideline interviews from ESPN's new sideline eye candy . Good for you little Mike.