SimonOnSports

The month of January might have gotten off to a slow start when it comes to complete douchebags but it certainly took an upswing during the closing weeks. Week 1 : Chris Burke - Wanna know how to force your step mother into a divorce. First you need your step father to be the coach of a big time college football team. Second you need to sucker him into having you on the sidelines working some job he made up for you. And finally you need to run out onto the field and get a crucial penalty in a Bowl Game. What a moron. Week 2 : The Ohio State University - Two straight years you tease us with your explosive starts only to be completely out of the game by the 4th quarter. Why must you be completely outclassed by the SEC, why must you win all of your cupcake games and not lose to the likes of Stanford like USC. Must you punish college football fans by winning all of the winnable games but getting pummeled by the superior squads in the Title game? Week 3 : Greg Paulus - The Brazilia

Breakin it Down is usually 5 key stories plus a pick for each postseason game. But for the Super Bowl we'll do 5 keys for the Giants and Pats and a post for what I think will occur . Twice Rotten? Can the Golden Boy have two bad playoff games in a row? Obviously him having a poor game like AFC Title game will give the Giants a much better opportunity to win the football game. But with two weeks of rest and on the biggest stage, hoping that Tom Brady has a poor game probably isn't the best game plan. Pound the Rock Given that the Patriots have arguably the best quarterback in the history of Pro Football it wouldn't be dumb if they decided to just throw the ball on every down. However, if Laurence Maroney can rush for over 100 yards like he has done in each of the playoff games than the Patriots will be absolutely unstoppable. Any 3rd and shorts Tom Brady is going to pick up. Bring Out the Manning Face Early Is Eli a changed quarterback with tremendous confidence? I fe

Personally I'm not much of a vanity license plate or bumper sticker guy. I feel as if in most scenarios it opens you up to ridicule. You pay money for people to make fun of you, genius. For instance today was so classic I needed to pull out my phone and take a picture. I am driving into work and pull behind a white station wagon. I had seen this station wagon before, really how can you miss a license plate that says "SAVES" with a a big Jesus bumper sticker on the bumper. But today I noticed something extra. A beautiful #24 Jeff Gordon Sticker in the window. Thus the three words "JESUS SAVES JEFF GORDON" or "JEFF GORDON SAVES JESUS" if you prefer immortalizing a NASCAR driver as the hero of Christianity. This car should be shown to anyone that ever buys and applies a bumper sticker on their car.

Breakin it Down is usually 5 key stories plus a pick for each postseason game. But for the Super Bowl we'll do 5 keys for the Giants and Pats and a post for what I think will occur . Be Special Domenik Hixon was special during their first matchup. He obviously had the touchdown return which pulled the momentum back to New York but the rest of his returns were dynamic as well. Additionally any time the Giants are forced to punt it is key that the king of the Coffin Corner nails it down in the red zone. The Giants absolutely need their special teams to outperform the Patriots to win this game. Thunder & Lightning Ron Dayne and loudmouth Tiki Barber never fulfilled the Thunder and Lightning trademark. Mostly because Ron Dayne hit up the donut shop daily and had love handles like a defensive tackle. Regardless, the Giants now have put together two second day draft picks to assemble what they couldn't in the past. They have the bruising Juggernaut built like a defensive

So my buddy at work is a Ranger/Knick fan and occasionally gets deals for both sent to his inbox. Today he got one such deal from the Knickerbockers. 2 Tickets & Free food for $22 bucks . That's 11 bucks a piece to go to an NBA game and get their crappy food for in essence going to Panera Bread for dinner and getting a cookie afterwards. The Knicks are desperate. In edition the Knicks apparently aren't to adept at looking at the NBA standings. Is 4 tickets and food plus 'yearbooks' and 'cheer styx' for 4 different games at 99 bucks. The kicker is that one of these games is against the New Orleans Hornets. The same Hornets who are currently leading the Western Conference. Yep, that's a shitty team that no one will want to see. Update: For those that like killing me for my typical typos, atleast I don't get paid for the stuff I do, unlike the person that falsely identified Fred Jones as Nate Robertson when captioning the picture.

The Heat losing by 30 to the Celtics on the surface makes sense. The Celtics have the best record the Heat have the 2nd worst. But when you find out Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett didn't play and Paul Pierce only had 7 points, seriously? ~Leon Powe has scored 94 total points this season. 94 and that is after the 25 he dropped last night. ~Scalabrine started again and had a +/- which isn't good for the Scalabrine watch. ~Chris Quinn was the only Heat player to have a positive +/- and he didn't score at all. ~Tony Allen had a ridiculous +32 almost matching him on the poor side was D Wade with -25. ~When Mark Blount is your player of the game you know your team blows.

http://view.break.com/442299 - Watch more free videos I wonder if this kid ever realized that he could have in fact kicked the pole with his foot and avoid the nut crunch. Oh well, God probably thought he didn't deserve children anyway. New rule here, if it can expand the children in pain category than it can have its own post and does not need to wait for the Blowout on Friday. Courtesy of the Duece

As a follow up to Conference Championship Game Post , I'm going to do a bit of analysis on the construction of the Super Bowl Rosters. Top Conferences Represented in the Super Bowl 1. SEC (23) - New York Giants (8) New England Patriots (13) 2. ACC (17) - New York Giants (13) New England Patriots (4) Tie-3. Big Ten (14) - New York Giants (6) New England Patriots (8) Tie-3. Division 1-AA (14) - New York Giants (10) New England Patriots (4) 5. Pac 10 (13) - New York Giants (8) New England Patriots (5) 6. Conference USA (12) - New York Giants (5) New England Patriots (7) 7. Big 12 (11) - New York Giants (2) New England Patriots (9) Tie-8. Big East (5) - New York Giants (4) New England Patriots (1) Tie-8. Independents (5) - New York Giants (2) New England Patriots (3) 10. Sun Belt (4) - New York Giants (3) New England Patriots (1) Tie-11. WAC (3) - New York Giants (0) New England Patriots (3) Tie-11. MAC (3) - New York Giants (2) New England Patriots (1) Tie-11. D2 or Lower (3

Howie Mandel: Hello Bill, welcome to Deal or No Deal. Bill Smith (Twins GM): Hello Howie, I'm here to win myself some big time prospects. Howie Mandel: Well Bill I just want to inform you that because of the 8 billion dollar contract we are going to have to elminate the million dollar case. Bill Smith: Well that's some big time bullshit. Howie Mandel: I'm sorry but those are the cases you were dealt. Ha cases get it? I guess not. Additionally we are not letting you choose you're initial case, you will get the case which has a year of Santana and two first round Sandwich picks. Bill Smith: Such nonsense. Howie Mandel: Eh shutup, you work for the Twins. Now, onto the Start please pick 5 cases. Bill Smith: I choose 24, 23, 22 and 21 and 20. Howie Mandel: How original of you. Oooh you knocked off a bunch of cases in the middle. Your current offer is Jacoby Ellsbury, Jed Lowrie and Justin Masterson from the Red Sox. Bill Smith: That's it? Come on where is Jon Leste

One year ago today Barbaro died and apparently it took one full year for them to decide to bury him . Apparently my birthday just sparks Barbaro news.

It didn't take me very long to lose hope during the 2007 season but for 2008 I'm going to be doing a lot dedicated prep work. Holding the 6th pick in the draft and 26 million dollars in cap room the New York Jets must be aggressive in the free agent market to address some of the current holes on their roster. When evaluating who the Jets will be able to draft with their #6 pick there is one overwhelmingly important event that could dictate whom the Jets can draft. That event is the potential drafting of Matt Ryan. In almost every nfl scouting or draft preview page you go to there is a consensus top 5. DT Glenn Dorsey, DE Chris Long, OT Jake Long, RB Darren McFadden and DT Sedrick Ellis. After this there is no consensus. So with the Jets picking 6th their hope is reliant on a franchise over valuing a QB. The Atlanta Falcons as well as the Miami Dolphins are both n desperate need for such a franchise quarterback, and Matt Ryan is currently the #1 option to fulfill this req

January 29th in History According to Wikipedia 1595 - William Shakespeare 's play Romeo and Juliet is probably first performed. 1845 - " The Raven " by Edgar Allan Poe is published in the New York Evening Mirror . 1863 - Bear River Massacre . 1886 - Karl Benz patents the first successful gasoline -driven automobile . 1900 - The American League is organized in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania with 8 founding teams. 1916 - World War I : Paris is first bombed by German zeppelins . 1936 - The first inductees into the Baseball Hall of Fame are announced. 1945 - Tom Selleck , American actor born 1954 - Oprah Winfrey , American producer, actress, talk show host, and publisher born 1963 - First inductees into the Pro Football Hall of Fame are announced. 1964 - Andre Reed , American football player born 1965 - Dominik Hašek , Czech ice hockey player born 1970 - Heather Graham , American actress born 1973 - Jason Schmidt , American baseball player born 1983 - I

As a Celtic fan you come to understand the inherent necessity of a token redhead playing in the green and white uniform. Really did anyone ever look better than Bill Walton in a Celtic Jersey ? But there has to be a better option than Brian Scalabrine , and thus the new feature. Todays edition focuses on Animated Redheads . Daphne Blake: You need someone on the bench to solve a mystery, someone on the bench with a talking dog? Daphne Blake is your gal than. Have you solved any mysteries this year Scals? Ariel: Playing in or near the ocean and need to talk to the fishes? Need a girl who can morph into human form if needed? Than Ariel is your gal. Can Scals turn into a Merman if he wants? I don't think so. Jessica Rabbit: Jessica Rabbit could be a key strategic asset for the Celtics. Throw her into the game and have her set screens all game long and eventually someone is either going to truck her over or start doing a little grabbing and squeezing in inappropriate places.

Please read up on your etiquette and stop crowding my god damn space. And feel free to accomplish this .

Last night the Knicks, what a surprise, and in doing so they allowed a season high 26 rebounds to Andris Biedrins. Andris is listed with the same height as Eddy Curry but only 40 lbs lighter. Meaning that it really shouldn't be difficult for Curry to get in front of Biedrins and push him around a bit. Yet Curry finished with a 4 rebounds. FOUR. You know what other Knick had 4 rebounds? 5 foot 8 Nate Robinson. Eddy Curry is the worst rebounder in the history of the NBA. But I guess dunking on people is cool. 1 Poster + 4 Rebounds - 26 Rebounds = 1 Loss

There are many things about European Soccer Leagues that I wish were brought to the United State. One being the idea of relegation and the other being the sweetness of the FA cup. For those that are completely in the dark, the FA Cup is a massive tournament in England which consists of all organized soccer teams in the country. From those that just play on the weekends for fun in an FA league to the greatest teams in the country. Well this weekend after winning some improbable games, one of those 'just for fun' teams went into Anfield, home of powerhouse premiership club Liverpool, and not only competed but actually held the lead for much of the game. In the end they lost 5-2 but for over 30 minutes the small town boys were beating one of the best teams in the country. Hell even the professionals couldn't control their emotion when the massive underdogs scored their first goal. Just imagine how sweet it would be to be beating the Boston Red Sox in Fenway after 5 inning

Apparently Wolverine and Ohio St. fans are very eager to have another person do their research for them as I've received another request, this time to see how many Wolverines are from Ohio. I'm obviously not going to do a complete history of the Wolverines and how many of them are from Ohio. This list consists of the 1st rounders from last week , the current NFL players , the 2007 Wolverine Roster, and the current recruiting class. 2007 Wolverine Roster (7 of 113) First things first, college rosters are way larger than you think. ESPN.com lists 113 players on Michigan's roster page of which only 7 are from the state of Ohio. This to me is a bit surprising, but they still did bring in two major contributors from Ohio in Shawn Crable and Mario Manningham. Both of whom are will be headed to the pros in a few months to give the NFL a Michigan Ohioan boost. Shawn Crable LB Sr. Massillon, OH Brandon Harrison CB Jr. Dayton, OH Mike Milano RB Jr. Rocky RIver, OH Bryan Wr

This season the NBA has listened to one of my many thoguht and has started to track a players +/- during the course of individual games. Due to my dislike of Brian Scalabrine, I am going to track he's performance in a weekly post called The Scalabrine Watch. 3 Million a year for what? Celtics 112 Raptors 114: 8 +8? Where the hell did that come from? In 12 minutes Scalabrine contributed 5 rebounds including 3 on the offensive end and he hit a three? Seriously? That's actually being productive while on the court. Game Stats: 12 Minutes, 1-2, 3 Points, 5 Rebounds, 0 Assists Celtics 87 Timberwolves 86: DNP Celtics 93 Magic 96: -4 Obviously with the productive performance at the start of the week there needed to be something to counter balance that at some point. And yesterday it was counterbalanced alright. Due to the absence of Kevin Garnett, Doc started Scals and played him 22 minutes. Both were pretty dumb decisions obviously. In 22 minutes, only 2 minutes away from being

Feel like investing in something completely chance? Well now you can apparently invest in the future earnings of a minor league baseball player. Purchase a share and you are entitled to a certain percentage of his salary . To be exact Randy Newsom is selling 4% of his potential major league earnings at a 50,000 clip. You can purchase an individual share for $20 dollars which will entitle you to .0016% of his future salary. So cause I'm a dork let's play with the numbers a little bit to find out what these investors are getting themselves into. Use simple math to deduct the break even point for both the investors and Randy. X * .04 = 50,000 X = 50,000/.04 = 1,250,000 Thus if Randy makes exactly a million and a quarter over his MLB than this whole investment is mute. No one wins no one lose everyone walks away with the same amount. Well except Randy walks away with the whole Time Value of money benefit but that's an economic's class for another time. Now the cur

Not faith, but rather an avenue to end the stability of Tom Brady's right knee. Curious? Of Course you are. "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." Matthew 18:19-20 You see that right there? I don't even need an army or a Facebook group to get it done. I apparently only need one other person who really wants Tom Brady's right knee blown out. And as a bonus God will then make an appearance at my Super Bowl party. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Jumping, even for something as simple as a Jump Shot, is not advisable. Courtesy of The Postmen

Ok seriously my buddies and I nicknamed Delonte West "Mystery Race" a long time ago but what the hell is this profile picture? Is getting lighter but the day? He looks like a teenage cancer patient in that picture. Once my buddies and I saw his mom on a telecast, and that didn't help at all. So someone answer the damn question? Is he more Sinbad, Carlos Mencia, Jose Canseco, or Martin Starr ? I got to know.

I've done a miserable job of pointing out when I post on Epic Carnival the past few months. Anyway, I post on Fridays typically in the afternoons, and it typically is a satirical post in letter format . This week I wrote a letter from Chuck Knoblauch to Roger Clemens . You can see all my posts at EC here .

Sex with your sons teammates? The Ultimate Warrior is ok with it, as long as it isn't gay sex or even gay fake sex. 1. The Ultimate Warrior - I'm really not surprised that the Ultimate Warrior is a scumbag, but to these depths? Seriously? Dude he wasn't even gay he just played a gay man, what the hell does that have to do with parenting? Plus you can be opposed to the idea of homosexuality that's fine it's your opinion, but does it seriously make that big of a difference in raising a child. And he wasn't even gay anyway. Ugh so stupid. 2. Beth Modica - The idea of a hot mom having sex with her teenagers hockey teammates might sound appealing to some. But the idea of a not so hot Police Chiefs wife having sex and giving head to multiple players on her sons team in reality is pretty disgusting and gross. Really if you were a 16 year old I'm pretty sure the High School ass you could pull would be a lot more preferential than that. 3. Urban Meyer - M

Everyone needs something to keep them occupied on Friday afternoons so the Friday Video Blowout was born. Spend your next few minutes, laughing, crying of laughter, pissing your self, whatever, but mostly wasting your companies time. Videos In Order Courtesy of AA , adult swim * 2, Deadpsin , EC , Fanhouse , Wizard of Odds , CO-ED Magazine This is why Gus Johnson is the man. Carl happy once... Carl Happy Twice... Team Asia at it once again. Atleast they were destroying a shitty car. Yes a possible appearance in the Super Bowl. That screamed lotto commercial. Right? Don't trifle with the voting booth.

One of the comments from the UM vs. OSU in the NFL post was curious as to which squad had more 1st round picks. Well fear not, I'm on it. The tracking i used only goes back to the 1970 merger which was plenty good for me. 1970s 1st Rounders (23) 1971: Jack Tatum, Ohio State, S 1971: John Brockington, Ohio State, RB 1971: Leo Hayden, Ohio State, RB 1971: Tim Anderson, Ohio State, DB 1972: Mike Taylor, Michigan, LB 1972: Thom Darden, Michigan, DB 1973: Paul Seymour, Michigan, TE 1974: Dave Gallagher, Michigan, DT 1974: John Hicks, Ohio State, G 1974: Randy Gradishar, Ohio State, LB 1974: Rick Middleton, Ohio State, LB 1975: Dave Brown, Michigan, DB 1975: Doug France, Ohio State, T 1975: Kurt Shumacher, Ohio State, T 1975: Neal Colzie, Ohio State, DB 1976: Archie Griffin, Ohio State, RB 1976: Tim Fox, Ohio State, DB 1977: Bob Brudzinski, Ohio State, LB 1978: Chris Ward, Ohio State, T 1978: John Anderson, Michigan, LB 1978: Mike Kenn, Michigan, T 1979: Jon Giesler, Michigan, T 1979

In every sporting event there is a typical process to determine who to root for. Are you a fan of one of the teams or players? Do you despise one of the players? Is one a significantly better story or a significant underdog? etc. Well my rule for Womens Tennis is pretty simple and straight forward. I root for who I find more attractive. Sure it's complete Chauvinism but whatever I'm admitting to it. I want to watch the attractive ones play much more than I want to see butch male types play. And thus I now plan on having posts for the semifinals and finals of all the grand slams tournaments to vote on which the public would rather see win. Maria Sharapova vs. Ana Ivanovic A Rematch of a Poll from Last Year when Ivanovic pulled a surprising upset. Can Sharapova return the favor? Opinion Polls  &  Market Research More Sharapova Pics , More Ivanovic Pics

Over the past few years I've rooted for the Phoenix Suns in the playoffs. I've hoped that their offense would carry them over their opponents despite their woes on defense. I've hoped that they could simply outscore their opponents, but it just hasn't happened and it just isn't going to happen. The Phoenix Suns are going to meet a similar demise as they have in past seasons for the simple reason that they are so easily dominated by an opposing big man. Case in Point my former Celtic Man Crush , Al Jefferson. Jefferson this season has developed into the go to guy for one of the worst teams in the league. His numbers are solid (20 & 12) but they are obviously at least slightly bloated given the fact the rest of his roster is piss poor. However against the Suns this season Al Jefferson morphs into a Hall of Fame Center. Last night the Timberwolves defeated the Suns for the second time this season 117-107, despite Amare's 33 point effort. Why? Mostly becau

Hmm I'm about 40 yards away from goal so... what the hell why not try a bicycle kick. Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

For those questioning the legitimacy of Stephen A's blog I transcribed his radio conversation from today where he divulged his new website to his 3 non deaf listeners. Also you can listen to it here while it's still up on his 1050 page . The divulgance is at the 9:50 mark. Anyway here's the transcript. Stephen A: Mike did I tell you I got my own website? Mikey Miss: Ya I heard about that. Stephen A: StephenA.commmmm Mikey Miss: How about that? Stephen A: You know read my blog, I'm gonna write a weekly blog. I got my own email address. My own guest list. All that stuff. My events. You know what I'm saying. My bio. All of that stuff. I decided, my family convinced me to do it. So I decided to do it. StephenA.com. You know I had to fight for months to get ownership of my own daggone name. Somebody else got StephenASmith.com. I had to get StephenA.com It that ridiculous. Mikey Miss: Common Name Stephen A: That's Ridiculous. No people were doing it and holding ont

Maybe it was a discussion with Big Mouth Salisbury that got him to reconsider, but former journalist/big mouth/talking head Stephen A. Smith has now ventured into the blogging world . The very same media stream you said ' should not be allowed to disseminate information ' is now you're lone outlet for penning your babble. Oh what irony Stephen A. You criticize those like me and then within a month come and join the pack with your very own website . Thus far there is only a singular post penned on Stephen's blog , which simply put is horribly formatted and all over the place. Here's hoping that in the very near future Stephen includes personal photos of himself eating cheese doodles in sock puppet form. That should help him earn some blogger credibility. ' EVERYTHING I SAY IS IMPORTANT ' Note 2: Here is a transcription of his divulgence if you are a skeptic. Note 1: For those that for some reason think its fake, I found out about the website from listen

Why did you have to be a tough guy Drew? Why couldn't you have done what most normal pussy quarterbacks do and slide or step out of bounds? Was that first down really that important to you? If so shouldn't you have tried to dive for the first down? Mo Lewis is a big boy, you're a quarterback, you had no shot of running him over. You certainly should have known that. What the hell were you thinking?

If you quickly glance and the above bracket it looks perfectly normal. The 1 seed faces off a against a 5 seed and a 3 seed faces a 7 seed. If you saw that in the NCAA tournament your thought process would read, hmm I guess the #2 seed got upset early. But take a closer look. If you look at the labels above the designated matchups you will see a miss match. The 1 seed faces the 5 seed in the quarterfinals, shouldn't that be the semis? And then it hits you, that's not the entire draw, that's simply the top portion of the Women's draw . The top portion which is quite obviously more difficult than anything that could be constructed in the lower portion of the bracket. Why? Because the only thing that isn't random in a Tennis Draw is the separation of the #1 and #2 seeds. Perhaps I'm a stickler for organization and common sense, but what the hell is wrong with the typical NCAA tournament-esque bracket. What's wrong with the 4 and 5 seed facing each othe

In every sporting event there is a typical process to determine who to root for. Are you a fan of one of the teams or players? Do you despise one of the players? Is one a significantly better story or a significant underdog? etc. Well my rule for Womens Tennis is pretty simple and straight forward. I root for who I find more attractive. Sure it's complete Chauvinism but whatever I'm admitting to it. I want to watch the attractive ones play much more than I want to see butch male types play. And thus I now plan on having posts for the semifinals and finals of all the grand slams tournaments to vote on which the public would rather see win. Daniela Hantuchova vs. Ana Ivanovic Opinion Polls  &  Market Research