NFL Week 5 Awards

Wow You Guys Suck: Denver Broncos, Simon is off, you're stuck with the Bear. It may not be as entertaining, but at least the punctuation will be correct. Anyway, the Broncos really just aren't good. The two wins they have they had to pull out their ass at the last second. Then the Chargers come to town and drop the Tomlinson hammer. If there is anything worse then the Broncos themselves, it's their own run defense, which gave up over 200 yds on the ground including a 14.7 yds/carry average to Michael Turner. Oh yeah, and this was also the Broncos worst home loss since Lewis and Clark we're heading through Denver. Runners Up: Seattle getting shut out by Steely McBeam and Co and managing to only have defense get 5 minutes of rest in the 2nd half, Every single human being on the field in San Francisco (9-7? You've got to be kidding me.)

Cough Cough Cough: Joey Harrington, Now we all know Joey isn't good, he proves it time and time again, and if I told you he was 16/31 on Sunday, you'd probably think that wasn't bad. And how wrong you would be, Joe Joe was 16/31 for 87 yds, which comes out to an astounding 2.8 yard average pickup with a pass play. Even if you just do it by receptions it's only 5.4 yds/catch. I'm 100% positive that's the worst performance I've ever seen. Runners Up: Matt Hasselbeck, count your lucky stars Joey Harrington is around to distract from your performance, Jon Kitna, God must have been watching the closest thing to perfection on Earth (read: NE Patriots) .

This Scarecrow Needs a Brain: Mike Holmgren ,Wrap your heads aroudn this one; the Steelers had the ball for 24:53 of the 30:00 2nd half. And that's without their two best recievers. That's just a matter of a defense being able to do absolutely nothing, and once they get that tired it's impossible. And obviously when the Hawks did have the ball they gave it back as fast as humanly possible. I've got nobody else to blame but Mike for this, for piss sake just them score to get the D off the field. Runners Up: Every coach who keeps trotting Trent Green onto the field, every member of the Baltimore/S.F. coaching staffs who were involved in that bore-fest.

The Shocker: Washington Redskins, Apparently the Redskins are legit. Either that or the Lions really aren't that good. You know what, that's probably it. Runners Up: San Diego laying a 38 point hurtin on Denver at home, the Bills almost upsetting the Cowboys. On a side note, if the Bills defense gets 5 turnovers from Romo, I'm predicting that each Patriots defender has 3 picks next week.

The Pimp: Michael Turner, A hundred yards rushing is a good day, 147 yards is very good. 147 yards on 10 carries? That's a good day and you're probably playing Perkins Home for the Blind or the Denver Broncos.Runners Up: Aaron Ross, two picks for the G-Men, one for a TD to seal the game, Tony Romo personally turning the ball over 5 times and still managing to win the game and throw for over 3 bills. (Get it?)

You Got JAKKED UP: Trent Green, I didn't watch to much football other then the Pats game, for a couple of reasons. 1) The two games that were on late were both ass kickings involving teams I don't like who were winning (Indy and S.D.) and B) I would much rather watch the Red Sox strap on goggles, strip off some pants and hose each other down with some Andre Extra Dry. So I'm handing this to Trent Green (who probably shouldn't have been playing at all with his concussion history) for for throwing a block with the "head-to-knee" blocking style, (Copyright 2007 NFL QB Association, All Rights Reserved) thus reducing his brain to pudding.

My Anti-Fantasy MVP: Deion Branch , He's pretty consistent usually, but apparently got a little banged up, then there was that whole problem with the offense only being on the field for 5 minutes in the 2nd half and getting shut out doesn't help either.

New England Patriots Anti-MVP: Randy Moss, 3 catches for 46 yards? That's a god damn disgrace and you know it Randy, get off your ass and do something.

My Picks

Simon's Picks: 10-4
Preseason Picks: If you think I'm looking these up, you got another thing coming.
Picks Vs. Spread: 7-7