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Not Mental Not Physical But...

After yesterday's dubious performance Randy Johnson said that his problems were neither mental nor physical. This leads me to contemplate what is causing the problems.

11) Simply Wants to Spite my Father - He has an over under of 4 more bad performances before my father throws something through the television set. He is working towards the under.

10) Briefcase Elbow - Due to the weight of his $16 million dollar a year he has developed a severe case of briefcase elbow resulting in the inability to snap on his slider.

9) Contract with the Devil is Up - God made him look like that, obviously the devil made him successful.

8) Barry Bonds - Like the rest of the world Randy Johnson is too focused on when Barry Bonds is going to hit #714 and can not concentrate.

7) The In-Comparison Effect - Looks around the Yankee clubhouse sees Jarret Wright and Carl Pavano and thinks to himself hell what do I need to work out for I'm definitely better than those two scrubs.

6) Fantasy Land - This week he was facing a team in his fantasy league with Randy Johnson on their roster. Thanks to his poor performance his squad Team Mullet defeated his opponent due to their abnormally poor ERA.

5) Met Isiah Thomas - Ran into Ike on the streets of NYC, and instantly turned into an overpaid underachiever. Isiah Thomas the antithesis of King Midas.

4) Revenge of the Dove - The ghost of the blown up dove has made its way to Yankee stadium and on every Johnson pitch pecks on the ball leading to the drop in velocity.

3) A Hero's Death - Fell into a depression when his hero Pedro Cerrano "Look at the Scoreboard Now Grasshopper" was assassinated in the first episode of 24.

2) Tripped on a Baseball - Randy Johnson's skills only developed after in incident in the late 80s where he was going back on a ball ended up tripping and causing some weird fusion of his tendons. However in spring training this season while going out to the mound he tripped on a baseball which broke the tendon fusion eliminating his 100 mph fast ball. Gardenhoser get in there.

1) Emotional Scars - It makes perfect sense, coming off being named the second unsexiest man on the planet in mid April. Since than the Big Unit has lost his libido and has slipped into depression which has lead to an inability to concentrate on the mound.


Or he's just old doesn't have the same velocity and can't locate his fastball or slider.

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