The JD Drew Signing by Theo and his boys made no sense at all. And thus I had to do a little undercover investigating, which led to the true story, it's all Scalabrine's fault.
Characters:
JD = JD Drew, currently in contract with the Devil.
Devil = Scott Boras, only capable of whispering evil words into the ear of clients.
Ned = Ned Colletti, current GM of the Dodgers.
Scalls = Brian Scalabrine, in allegiance with the Devil, master Weed cultivator.
Ainge = Danny Ainge, current Celtics GM sucker for the Gange.
Eppy = Theo Epstein, currently under the Devil's spell.
Sometime in late October:
Devil: JD, you do not want 34 million, you want more, more, more. I can get you more JD, more.
JD: More, I like more, you sure you can get me more. Mmmm More is better than a good Chicken Salad.
Devil: [Mumbles] Uh Chicken Salad, ok. Yes More shall I call the Dodgers and inform them of our greed.
JD: More, More, More.
Devil: I'll take that as a yes. [Snickers]
November 9th
Devil: Ned he wants more, more, more.
Ned: [Mumbles] Boy I hope he means JD. Who wants more Beelzebub?
Devil: The Greedy One, JD, my little pawn. He is going to opt out of the final three years of his contract. I will get him more.
Ned: [Screams] Praise Jesus, I've been hoping this day would
Devil: [Interjects] Yo, I made this happen, praise me Satan king of Evil.
Ned: Sorry, Lucifer, but only Jesus could get me out of 34 million for 3 years.
Devil: I beg to differ.
Ned: Whatever, I'll give you partial credit, thanks [Sarcastic] King of Evil.
Sometime Mid November
Scalls: Hey Scotty, I heard you need my sticky icky.
Devil: Please don't refer to me as Scotty, it's not evil enough.
Scalls: Whatever Scotty, who you duping this week.
Devil: Grr... Eppy for my Greed Child JD. I need you to set up a Hooka session with Eppy.
Scalls: That is easy, just gotta get to Aingee first, he's a sucker for the stuff.
A Few Days Later
Scalls: Guess what I have for you Danny.
Danny: Um, your man sausage.
Scalls: Not this time.
Danny: Damnit, I need a little lovin right now, Doc's not getting it done, he's turning into a raker.
Scalls: [Shutters] Uh, uh, no Danny it's time to get stoned.
Danny: Yippy, yippy, wait what do you want? Last time I did this I gave you a 15 million dollar contract.
Scalls: Oh nothing Danny, just want to congratulate you on the success of the Celtic franchise since you took over.
Danny: [Stares Puzzled] Ok.
A Few Hours Later
Danny: Haha, I want cookies, and coffee cake, and oooooh Chicken Salad yes Chicken Salad.
Scalls: I need you to set up a meeting with myself the Devil and Eppy.
Danny: Oooh the Devil I loved him, he reminded me of, um, um, I want a cookie, and chicken salad.
Scalls: So you're gonna get that done right?
Danny: Anything for Chicken Salad.
Following Week
Eppy: Hey Satan, you enjoy our bid for Matsuzaka?
Devil: [Mumbles] Man was that stupid, I didn't even have a hand in that bid. This guy should be easily duped.... Oh yeah Eppy great decision, really smart.
Eppy: Yo Scalls, whats up.
Scalls: Let the mind bending begin.
Devil: [Whispers Continuously] 70 million for 5 years
An Hour Later
Eppy: Um, ya I'm gonna need more Gange, some take home, and Chicken Salad before I sign JD to that contract.
Devil: [Whispers Continuously] JD is a great player, 70 million is cheap.
A Few Hours Later
Eppy: Ok, I'll make that deal, but not until I get a years supply of Chicken Salad, and a box o' weed.
Scalls: Ainge took a lot less effort.
November 9th
Scalls: Eppy here's your package. [Hands him box o' weed]
Devil: Sign, here, and here, and here.
Eppy: That last ones for my soul.
Devil: Damnit, Ainge fell for that. Had to try.
JD: More, more, more, more, hey how come he got the chicken salad.
Characters:
JD = JD Drew, currently in contract with the Devil.
Devil = Scott Boras, only capable of whispering evil words into the ear of clients.
Ned = Ned Colletti, current GM of the Dodgers.
Scalls = Brian Scalabrine, in allegiance with the Devil, master Weed cultivator.
Ainge = Danny Ainge, current Celtics GM sucker for the Gange.
Eppy = Theo Epstein, currently under the Devil's spell.
Sometime in late October:
Devil: JD, you do not want 34 million, you want more, more, more. I can get you more JD, more.JD: More, I like more, you sure you can get me more. Mmmm More is better than a good Chicken Salad.
Devil: [Mumbles] Uh Chicken Salad, ok. Yes More shall I call the Dodgers and inform them of our greed.
JD: More, More, More.
Devil: I'll take that as a yes. [Snickers]
November 9th
Devil: Ned he wants more, more, more.
Ned: [Mumbles] Boy I hope he means JD. Who wants more Beelzebub?
Devil: The Greedy One, JD, my little pawn. He is going to opt out of the final three years of his contract. I will get him more.
Ned: [Screams] Praise Jesus, I've been hoping this day would
Devil: [Interjects] Yo, I made this happen, praise me Satan king of Evil.
Ned: Sorry, Lucifer, but only Jesus could get me out of 34 million for 3 years.
Devil: I beg to differ.
Ned: Whatever, I'll give you partial credit, thanks [Sarcastic] King of Evil.
Sometime Mid November
Scalls: Hey Scotty, I heard you need my sticky icky.
Devil: Please don't refer to me as Scotty, it's not evil enough.
Scalls: Whatever Scotty, who you duping this week.
Devil: Grr... Eppy for my Greed Child JD. I need you to set up a Hooka session with Eppy.
Scalls: That is easy, just gotta get to Aingee first, he's a sucker for the stuff.
A Few Days Later
Scalls: Guess what I have for you Danny.Danny: Um, your man sausage.
Scalls: Not this time.
Danny: Damnit, I need a little lovin right now, Doc's not getting it done, he's turning into a raker.
Scalls: [Shutters] Uh, uh, no Danny it's time to get stoned.
Danny: Yippy, yippy, wait what do you want? Last time I did this I gave you a 15 million dollar contract.
Scalls: Oh nothing Danny, just want to congratulate you on the success of the Celtic franchise since you took over.
Danny: [Stares Puzzled] Ok.
A Few Hours Later
Danny: Haha, I want cookies, and coffee cake, and oooooh Chicken Salad yes Chicken Salad.
Scalls: I need you to set up a meeting with myself the Devil and Eppy.
Danny: Oooh the Devil I loved him, he reminded me of, um, um, I want a cookie, and chicken salad.
Scalls: So you're gonna get that done right?
Danny: Anything for Chicken Salad.
Following Week
Eppy: Hey Satan, you enjoy our bid for Matsuzaka?
Devil: [Mumbles] Man was that stupid, I didn't even have a hand in that bid. This guy should be easily duped.... Oh yeah Eppy great decision, really smart.
Eppy: Yo Scalls, whats up.
Scalls: Let the mind bending begin.
Devil: [Whispers Continuously] 70 million for 5 years
An Hour Later
Eppy: Um, ya I'm gonna need more Gange, some take home, and Chicken Salad before I sign JD to that contract.
Devil: [Whispers Continuously] JD is a great player, 70 million is cheap.
A Few Hours Later
Eppy: Ok, I'll make that deal, but not until I get a years supply of Chicken Salad, and a box o' weed.
Scalls: Ainge took a lot less effort.
November 9th
Scalls: Eppy here's your package. [Hands him box o' weed]
Devil: Sign, here, and here, and here.
Eppy: That last ones for my soul.
Devil: Damnit, Ainge fell for that. Had to try.
JD: More, more, more, more, hey how come he got the chicken salad.
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