SimonOnSports

Dear Tampa Bay, I think it's about time you looked in the mirror as a community and said to yourself, it's time to put up or shut up. You currently have three professional franchises within your metro area and you ardently support exactly zero of these franchises. The greatest injustice of all is of course the Tampa Bay Rays. The Rays are now going on their 3rd consecutive winning season. They have a roster full of 20-somethings who are incredibly athletic and entertaining to watch. They are about to clinch a playoff birth for the second time in franchise history and quite likely will beat out the Yankees for the division and finish with the best record in the American League and yet you show up to the ballpark on the final week of the season with just over 12,000 people. 12,000 people is barely better than what the solid Triple A clubs get on an average basis. Currently the Rays stand 22nd in all of baseball in home attendance despite sitting a 1/2 from having the be...

Dear Corey Hart, Hi Corey, I have a relatively simple question for you. See in 2009 I thought you were going to be some breakout 25/25 hitter and that you were going to build upon your steady career progressions in your 27 year old season and because of this I drafted you in my first round (8 keepers per team so 9th round in reality). But instead of getting 25/25 you put up a measly 12 HRs and 11 steals. You drove in basically no runs and frankly were a completely useless fantasy asset. In laymans terms, you sucked. So my question is pretty simple, why do you keep on hitting home runs this season? Why have you eclipsed your 2009 HR totals in 1/3 of a season? Can you go back to sucking so I won't be annoyed at the fact that the only year I owned you in a 4 season span was the only year you weren't remotely useful? It's just a little request. I mean your team is already out of it so no one would really care or notice if you only hit say, 4 more home runs the entire...

Dear Santa, I haven't asked for much for Christmas over the past few years but I have a lot to ask for right now. See I want the Jets to make the playoffs and am going to need a near miracle for that to happen. First I need the Jets to beat both the Colts and the Bengals. This practically going to take a minor miracle in its own right. Than I need lots of teams to lose. I need the Dolphins to lose. I need the Jaguars to lose. I need either the Ravens or Broncos to lose. Preferably both. It probably wouldn't hurt if the Steelers lost as well. So umm, not sure how you're going to make this happen and if you have enough magical pixie dust in your oversized tummy to get this done but it's what I want for Christmas. Thanks, Simon

Dear Eric Mangini, Hi Eric. I know you are having a rough year. You are 1-11. You can't make up your mind who your quarterback is. You traded away all your offensive weapons for some draft picks and a few Jets players you were fond of. It's been a tough year and you might just be thinking about having the #1 pick and dreaming of drafting Ndamakong Suh already. But let's think about the present for a second. You might be on the chopping block. You really could use a win to give some of the folks in Cleveland some joy and what better time than now. Even if you go 2-14, if you're second win comes with the benefits of smashing the playoff hopes of the defending Superbowl Champions than at the very least Cleveland fans can ridicule Steeler fans and say "Our shitty team knocked you out of the playoffs." It's probably enough to keep your job. So let's get it done tonight Eric. We are all behind you. Send the Steelers to an early January vaction. Thanks ...

Dear Grady Sizemore , Have you ever heard of Vanessa Hutchins ? I'm just wondering because one would have thought when her photos leaked out that perhaps sending provocative photos through email might have been removed from the equation. How about Santonio Holmes ? Have you ever heard of him? The Steelers Wide Receiver whom unleashed the Python on Deadspin viewers a few years back? Does that name escape you as well? I understand your girlfriend is incredibly hot and you wanted to do something for her, but you had to kind of know this was coming right? You probably have at least a handful of deranged stalkers or mad ex girlfriends that you knew had the ability to hack into your accounts. Now you have pictures on the internet of just you and a coffee cup. Congrats big man. Enjoy 2010 with the Indians. Sincerely, People That Don't Want to See Your Penis

Dear Jason Witten, You don't know me and chances are pretty good that we will never meet, but I just want to say that you annoy the hell out of me and likely many others like me. See I drafted you in fantasy football this year thinking that you would be a beast. T.O. was gone and even more balls were going to come your way. So I thought. But that hasn't been the case. You've been an epic disappointment. Whatever the reason is, you haven't gotten it done. So on Wednesday when I was watching NFL live and they said that you were questionable, a game time decision and probably not going to go, I thought "Ok well whatever not like you've been good all year. I'll just bench you in case you don't play and pick up whatever TE off the waiver wire." What happens? You actually play and you have the one good game you've had all year. Thanks jackass. Sincerely, Everyone that Drafted You

Dear Fox & TBS, This just in, Baseball Playoff games actually can be played at the same time. I can't quite remember just when this policy began but it sure is annoying. I guarantee 90+ percent of Yankee and Angel fans are annoyed at the start time of this game. Instead of being able to go home, relax, and watch a baseball game at its normal hour (7:05) the game will be nearing its conclusion. All because Major League Baseball and its networks refuse to show games with any planned overlap. Say you're a typical worker in the Northeast working a 9-5 job and have a typical NYC commute time ( 30 minutes ), you've now just missed the first 4 innings of the game. Now if you throw in things like, pick up kids, make dinner, etc. you might just miss innings 1-7. And obviously it's only that much worse if you're an Angel fan. The game starts at 1:13, if you want to watch the game than you're going to have to take the day off. So the people that can't take...

Dear Jack Daniels, I just wanted to let you know that you'll be seeing a lot of me these next few days. I plan on being blacked out from now til monday. I really don't want to watch my team play baseball anymore. We can't even beat the Nationals. In September we've only won 8 games. It's ugly, I can't take it anymore. Hell I just might try to get so drunk I erase the memory of the last 6 months. Nothing good has happenned so I will likely feel better about myself. I Just Lined Up 12 Shots, Jerry Manual

Dear Mr. Minaya and Mr. Wilpon, Regretfully this letter is to inform you that I, Mr. Met will no longer be attending any Met game for the remainder of the season. Mrs. Met has informed me how poor our current medical insurance is and after watching every single valuable player on the Mets go down due to injury we have concluded that it would be wise if I was to stay away for the rest of the year. I'm sorry to inform you of this on such short notice, but it is what it is. I feel like I'm watching Final Destination 38: Attack at Citi Field, and I'm jumping ship before some beam at the stadium turns my head into mashed baseballs. See You Next Year, MR. MET

Dear Fellow General Managers, I know this will be hard for you to believe, and it will be difficult for me to say given all that he's done for the organization, but the New York Yankees and I, Brian Cashman, are willing to discuss a possible trade for veteran Left Handed Pitcher Kei Igawa. I know you are floored right now, but he's out there if the price is right. Igawa this season has been terrific. He's 8-4 with a 4.03 ERA*. He'd be the perfect left hander to round out the backend of your rotation. In fact, screw backend, he could be your ace**. So don't waste anytime, please send your trade offers to the following address: 1 Babe Ruth Avenue The Bronx, New York, New York Don't wait too long, the deadline is friday, and you really really really want the Milk Soda Beaver . Thanks, BCASH *With Scranton Wilkes-Barre **That's a lie

Hi I'm Neal Huntington and welcome to the Pittsburgh Pirates continual tag sale. As GM of the Pirates I'd like to make sure that you know that we've got the left over furniture, players and junk you need, just give us a call. We're pretty much open to anything. Today we've parted with 1B Adam LaRoche for five dollars and a bag of doritos. And earlier this year we traded Nyjer Morgan and Nate McLouth away for Two Philly Cheesesteaks and a Budding Rap Superstar. But fear not we've still got plenty of pieces to sell off if the price is right, and the price is always right. We've got a weak hitting but slick fielding Shortstop Jack Wilson. He can be had for two dollars. Just two dollars. That's an AMAZ-A-FRICKIN-DEAL. How about All Star Freddie Sanchez? You always can use more all stars right? Well you can have him for the low low price of my a Diet Coke a Chili Cheeseburger and a Side of Onion Rings. That's right, just pay for my lunch today and ...

Dear MLB GMs, I'm on the block. If you need an Ace pitcher, please call Josh Byrnes and let him know that Dan Haren told you to call because he's sick of the shit that plays around him on a nightly basis. Just in case you need to see my resume, it's right here. Oh look, I'm basically the National league leader in every major pitching stat, except wins of course, because my team sucks. Hence my desire to pitch for a team that doesn't suck. If you're curious as to how many wins I should have, well its 12. I've outlined the 6 games this year in which I've given up at most 2 runs yet not once in those games walked away with a win. Four of the 6 games I actually walked away with a loss. Alright, I'm pissed and I don't really feel like talking about it anymore. Just someone please save me. Thanks, Dan Haren

A Letter From Manny Ramirez to the Baseball Public Hello faithful Dodger fans, Manny like to say, Manny have never taken steroids ever peroid. The only drug Manny have is Marijuana. But it is prescribed by my doctor to help me relax and for my asthma. Manny never buy steroids, someone slip somthin in my Weed without me knowing. The weed taste funny and some how heel my knee and Manny hit .400 for Dodgers. Manny figure it just better Weed, so Manny keep toking. Now Manny find out someone slip steroids in Weed. Manny never bought steroids, Manny was just being Manny healing terrible asthma and anxiety. Now Manny suspended, is not right. Let Manny be Manny.

Dear Fantasy Owners, Hello friendly fantasy owners, this here is your favorite fantasy second baseman Ian Kinsler. I'm here to congratulate those who were intelligent enough to draft me and laugh at those who said I was an injury risk, blah blah blah, I'll just wait for Alexei Ramirez in the 5th round. Silly jackass. I'm ranked #1. Ramirez? He's 817. Good choice. And just to rub it in, I'm not going to get injured and I'm not going to stop being awesome. I'm gonna hit 30 homers. Steal 35 bases. Hit .315. Drive in over 100 and score over 100. At 2nd base no less. Suck on that. I AM FANTASTIC, Ian Kinsler Ps. You wondering why it was actually the dumb Jewish kid who knows nothing about baseball who stole me in the early 2nd round? I'm 1/2 Jew, that's why.

Hi Formerly Impressionable Child in the Early 90s, Remember back in the early 90s how awesome I was? I was like the best kick returner in New York, but you thought I was the best ever. You weren't even a Giant fan but when you're buddy got my action figure you thought it was the 2nd coolest thing ever, behind your Al Toon one of course. You really just thought the short quick guy was great and that if you would ever be a football player you'd be like me? Well guess what? I'm apparently a Rapist . And even if I'm found to be innocent, I still have a past history of abusing women. I'm pretty much a scum bag. So Um Still want to be like me? Thanks I Guess, Dave Meggett