All this talk of Ryan Howard this and Albert Pujols that is making me want to vomit. Everyday I listen to the radio and all I hear is Pujols or Howard, hell a month ago I heard pick a Met any Met too. Yet never is there a mention of me. What do I have to do? Is it because I'm white it's because I'm white isn't it. Or maybe cause I went to Rice and I'm a born and bred Texan through and through. No it's because I'm white, and that's my final answer.
But I digress, let me show you why those chumps aren't the MVP and I, Master of Texas am.
First Ryan Howard, sure he hits a bunch of homeruns and homeruns are cool and all but look who else is in that lineup. Jimmy Rollins has 25 homeruns at shortstop, you know how many times Adam Everett has hit the ball out of the infield, 24 times. ya 24 that guy couldn't bench the bar, what a pussy yet I have to watch him struggle to lift that 30 ounce piece of driftwood and attempt to swing it everyday. I'm lucky I don't go into the tank by proxy. Chase Utley that kids a stud, Ricky-Bobby Abreu, by the way how great was Talledega Night man I love NASCAR and the south and dixieland, oh yeah Bobby he's a pimp, look what he's done for those corporate asses in New York. Plus the Phils are going to choke this week you know it, they always do not us Astros though we come through down the stretch.
Albert the big guy Pujols, yippy so what if your the best hitter in the league. I'm not far behind, hell I have the same amount of RBIs as you do, and I didn't miss any games like a little baby girl. Plus I play the outfield and first base, I'm versatile baby, ya I busted out versatility, I know Texans are usually limited to 3 syllable words, but I went to Rice baby I'm smart. Everybodies going to make a big deal of Albert hitting a home run last night, MVPs hit big homeruns blah blah blah. Hey did anybody watch last week when I blasted, two homeruns, bombs baby I think one went 745 yards, ya not feet, yards, both off the reigning Cy Young winner Chris Carpenter, ya not one measely home run but two off the best pitcher in the league. Yes thats what I do, I'm a pimp.
Plus Pujols has Rolen and Edmonds batting behind him all season, who do I got? Some dude named Morgan?? What weiner he was, now I got some rookie named Luke Skywalker and a Devil Ray reject. Great protection, if I used that protection during the rest of my life I'd have more kids then Shawn Kemp. Yet I'm still in the top 6 in the NL in HRs, RBIs, BA, OBP, OPS, and SLUG. And I'm batting 390 with runners in score position which almost never happens, yes cause my lineup sucks. Why because I'm the f'n man.
The Cardinals have scored 60 more runs than my shitty lineup, the Phillies, jebus they score 60 more runs a game than we do. Ya you can say our pitching staff is better, but Clemens takes a two month vaca, Pettite and Oswalt have been bad, and Lidgee well Lidgeee got castrated last year in the playoffs, and a man can not pitch without cajones.
And Yet still the media gives me no love, because I'm white or because they confuse me with that bastard Lance that came out of the closet this summer. For the record I bang models, and porn stars and the occasionally female lion for a solid workout.
Atleast Tuxedo T-Shirt Baby Jesus loves me.
Vote Lance Master of the Lonestar State for MVP, or I'll urinate on your sofa.
But I digress, let me show you why those chumps aren't the MVP and I, Master of Texas am.
First Ryan Howard, sure he hits a bunch of homeruns and homeruns are cool and all but look who else is in that lineup. Jimmy Rollins has 25 homeruns at shortstop, you know how many times Adam Everett has hit the ball out of the infield, 24 times. ya 24 that guy couldn't bench the bar, what a pussy yet I have to watch him struggle to lift that 30 ounce piece of driftwood and attempt to swing it everyday. I'm lucky I don't go into the tank by proxy. Chase Utley that kids a stud, Ricky-Bobby Abreu, by the way how great was Talledega Night man I love NASCAR and the south and dixieland, oh yeah Bobby he's a pimp, look what he's done for those corporate asses in New York. Plus the Phils are going to choke this week you know it, they always do not us Astros though we come through down the stretch.
Albert the big guy Pujols, yippy so what if your the best hitter in the league. I'm not far behind, hell I have the same amount of RBIs as you do, and I didn't miss any games like a little baby girl. Plus I play the outfield and first base, I'm versatile baby, ya I busted out versatility, I know Texans are usually limited to 3 syllable words, but I went to Rice baby I'm smart. Everybodies going to make a big deal of Albert hitting a home run last night, MVPs hit big homeruns blah blah blah. Hey did anybody watch last week when I blasted, two homeruns, bombs baby I think one went 745 yards, ya not feet, yards, both off the reigning Cy Young winner Chris Carpenter, ya not one measely home run but two off the best pitcher in the league. Yes thats what I do, I'm a pimp.
Plus Pujols has Rolen and Edmonds batting behind him all season, who do I got? Some dude named Morgan?? What weiner he was, now I got some rookie named Luke Skywalker and a Devil Ray reject. Great protection, if I used that protection during the rest of my life I'd have more kids then Shawn Kemp. Yet I'm still in the top 6 in the NL in HRs, RBIs, BA, OBP, OPS, and SLUG. And I'm batting 390 with runners in score position which almost never happens, yes cause my lineup sucks. Why because I'm the f'n man.
The Cardinals have scored 60 more runs than my shitty lineup, the Phillies, jebus they score 60 more runs a game than we do. Ya you can say our pitching staff is better, but Clemens takes a two month vaca, Pettite and Oswalt have been bad, and Lidgee well Lidgeee got castrated last year in the playoffs, and a man can not pitch without cajones.
And Yet still the media gives me no love, because I'm white or because they confuse me with that bastard Lance that came out of the closet this summer. For the record I bang models, and porn stars and the occasionally female lion for a solid workout.
Atleast Tuxedo T-Shirt Baby Jesus loves me.
Vote Lance Master of the Lonestar State for MVP, or I'll urinate on your sofa.
Comments
Also, Jeter is the only candidate in the AL. I don't want hear about Ortiz or Dye. MVPs are "winning ballplayers", quoted from one, Bob Ryan. Jeter has done nothing throughout his entire career, but win, and I don't think he does get the respect he deserves b/c he is just a spark plug. Ortiz hits bombs, he's a fat p.o.s in my eyes and the Red Sox have bombed like everyone knew they would (at least, I did). He just makes a bad team mediocre. He's not even the MVP of his team. I hate the Red Sox, but Varitek is the man that keeps that team going, the unsung hero, the captain. Without him, we are talking about Tampa Bay without speed. He gets big hits when they aren't considered big hits, like my friend, Derek. He doesn't need the drama. He puts the bat on the ball. He doesn't blast walk-off 450ft bombs, he bunts for base hits to start innings, sacrifices runners over and hits oppo better than anyone in the game(except maybe Frank Catalanatto). He is the quintessential spark plug who made a bunch of old, beat up "bombers" contend for 1st place. Now that the line-up is back intact, he's just the glue that holds together the most potent line-up in the game today.
The problem with this whole argument is that the definition of MVP is is up to interpretation, w. Is it the MVP of any team in the league, the winning team, or the league itself? If you're going to name the award AL or NL MVP, then by definition it has to be of the league, regardless of whether or not the team that the player is on makes the playoffs. I'm not saying I don't think Jeter deserves it, but you can't honestly tell me that if Ortiz played for NY, he wouldn't win it this year. If you throw in whether or not your team makes the playoffs, that adds in factors like other individuals and the management, which there is already an existing award called the AL or NL champions. If you want to make the discussion about how the Yankees wouldn't be where they are if it wasn't for Jeter, then that fine too, give him the MVP for the yankees, not the AL MVP.
I am going to end my rant by saying that I think the yankees, as a team and management, did the "quintessential" job this year and I wish Boston was able to do the same. Sports are much more interesting when they aren't one sided, as shown by these last couple months of uninteresting games. When deciding on the MVP, I try to imagine if the situation would have been different for either team if Ortiz would have played for NY or Jeter for the Sox. You can't bring Veritek in the equation too much because, 1) he missed some of the season, and 2) I can't imagine the Sox being as far as they are if Ortiz was out and Veritek was in. I don't have the exact facts, to date, on Jeter and Ortiz, that's when I turn to see what Simon has to say. You can't bring in the fact that Ortiz is the DH, or you shouldn't have a DH position in the AL. All in all I think this decision is harder to determine than you are making it out to be. Simon, I think we are going to need an MVP article from you.
They'll be a year end award entry next week don't worry.