SimonOnSports

This weekend I turned on Sportscenter on saturday and sunday and what did I find? Well immense coverage of NASCAR and storylines that went for 20 minutes at a time. I wanted to punch myself in the face repeatedly. ESPN has NASCAR now oh great why don't they just subject me to countless hours of NASCAR coverage on sportscenter so I could thusly hate Sportscenter like it seems the rest of the world does. Can't they just have their 2 hour NASCAR now shows on ESPN 2 that way I know not to tune in? Well the funniest part of it all is that NASCAR fans can't stand ESPN covering NASCAR. So lets get this straight, NASCAR fans hate ESPN covering NASCAR and general sports fans like myself hate ESPN covering NASCAR, isn't that classic. Oh and now even Tony Stewart who won the Brickyard 400 this weekend says ESPN's coverage sucks . Can't we get the damn races on the SPEED Network or something? Atleast the Onion did a solid job of making fun of how NASCAR is simply tak...

So chances are you have zero idea who Alvaro Espinoza is, I mean he wasn't exactly a top notch baseball player ever in his career. However, he was the starting Shortstop for the Yankees from 89-91 when they absolutely sucked (212-273). Anyway my little cousin asked me who my favorite Yankee was growing up and I jokingly said Espinoza, why well because I don't remember him ever getting base hits and his name epitomized the Yankees during their suckitude. So of course I than google searched him and came across this image which is owe so classic. The massive glasses where each lens is about the size of his entire cheek plus the perfect mustache with absence of hair directly below the nostrils. This mustache is so classic that I felt compelled to put a write in vote for Alvaro at the Greatest Sports Mustache site. So the question is, who wants an Espinoza Mustache Ride?

Get on the Roids or Blood Doping Conor and perhaps you will soon enough be able to compete in France. Until then I would work on keeping the handlebars on the bike.

"He has A.D.D." What a classic excuse after blatant douche baggery.

First off, I just want to preface a few of my biases. 1) I hate Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers and 90% of the stuff they do pisses me off. 2) Al Jefferson has been my favorite Celtic since his rookie season and he's the only sports jersey I have bought since I got a Michigan jersey during the title run in 1997. Ok now that I have stated my biases lets vent. This deal sucks. No doubt in my mind that this deal is the wrong deal for this franchise and essentially leaves the team with three aging once superstars and nothing else. Thus only looking like a contender when they flat out aren't one. KG What Changed Your Mind Can we not ignore the fact that only two months ago Garnett wanted absolutely nothing to do with Boston? This deal was set months ago but KG didn't want to deal with the wintry weather. He vetoed the deal, aka gave Boston a big middle finger, why should we ignore this fact, I certainly refuse to. So what changed your mind KG? Did Ray Allen change your mind? The ...

Correction doing a Sheffield is more like calling Latin players conformists , or Jeter for being half n' half , or the most recent calling Bud Selig a Grandstander . Perhaps the Tigers should invest in a muzzle. Courtesy of Epic Carnival

Steve Phillips first draft pick ever as the General Manager of the Mets? Jason Tyner, who hit his first home run of his entire career this weekend after only needing 1,220 at bats. "I'm excited," Tyner said after the win. "Every time I hit one really well, it was like the wind was blowing in or it was at the Metrodome, where I don't really have a chance. It did seem like I never was going to hit one." Woah is there a hint of Sergio Garcia esque excuses there from Tyner? I think so.

Um, dudes a snap is a snap. He doesn't necessarily need to say hike or hut. Poor kids, they're brains are only as developed as that Japanese High School Catcher . Update: Apparently its a phenomenon.

My blog is worth $37,824.18 . How much is your blog worth? So I don't really have any idea how this works, or why this would say that this here website was worth 37 grand. Probably some weird ass calculations that are completely invalid, however if someone truly thinks this here site is worth 37 grand, I can be bought, ha. Saw this at AA from the 26th Man .

It happens every day somewhere. You know it when you hear it. So and so hasn't done something and then bam it happens almost immediately. John Doe hasn't missed a field goal within 30 yards in 10 years, shank wide left. Well this always ticks me off so I think I'm going to put a running tab on some of the more notable broadcaster jinxes that I hear starting with one that bothered me yesterday. Jeremy Bonderman's ESPN Radio Jinx So I'm driving along in the car to my girlfriend's place listening to the pregame of ESPN's Sunday night broadcast on the radio with Dan Schulman and Soup Campbell. They begin discussing how the Tigers' pitching had been whacked around mercilessly by the Angels this weekend and how they were desperate for a quality start and some innings to save themselves from once again using their bullpen for a lot of innings. Then Schulman brings up a stat and immediately I think to myself, oh god Bonderman is f'd tonight. He says ...

Oh those crazy Japanese. Aj Pierzynski would be so proud. The funniest part just might be the fact it takes the umpires forever to get the right call and then he has to broadcast to the entire stadium how the Yokohama Bay Stars are a bunch of morons. My guess is the next strikeout the catcher will tag the batter.

"Get me a Sandwich." El Guapo Courtesy of Deadspin

Well that's certainly not true. But I did find it funny that me finding and posting a video of a dude knocking out another dude with a single kick could get linked at TIME.com for a related blog post to their article . And that a lil old SimonOnSports link could be an inch away from a link to the TIME Person of the Year. Humorous Google Searches to Lead to SOS My Favorite: Google Search Something Fun to Do and there's my link to something fun to do while pissing. Don't know if that was what they were looking for. Either my buddy Brent Shannon is either very much interested in himself or there are a few people out there trying to stalk him down as that has led to 81 hits over the past month. Oh and Barrett was on the web searching for himself . And best yet is Walker posing for playgirl ? As Jose Maria Olazabal was his Spanish predecessor in golf he also was his predecessor in getting linked here for a homosexual search. That's right Sergio Garcia Homosexual goo...

I believe this is something the ole college roommate should give a try.

Next time you head out to the bar you can play a new game which is being played by Premiership Football Players in the UK. See they enjoy drinking just as much as the next 20 something year old man, but they have bank so they need to spice it up. So what do they do is, well, they play a game where a single person has to pay for every single round during that evening and how do they decide who it is? Simple, whoever brings the least amount of hard cash to the bar is forced to pick up the entire tab. So basically if you see a few rich ass soccer players rollin into your local British pub you can expect them to be packin up to a couple hundred thousand pounds of dough in their pocket. Personally I think there should be a secondary bet involved where the person with the most cash is forced to make it rain at the local strip club, but perhaps that is just me. Courtesy of The Offside

"Is Horse Fighting Illegal? Perhaps I'll start a Horse Fighting ring in Mexico..." Mike Vick Courtesy of Pro Football Talk where they have a funny pic like this daily.

How does this not kill? She got up in about 3 seconds flat, damn she's about a million times tougher than Pavano.

This stories just keep on coming week after week. Tasering, gambling, assaulting it was a noteworthy week for idiots and morons. Here are your contestants: 1. Scott Olsen - This guy needs some anger management courses. He seems to weekly get in a different fight with a different teammate and then he runs multiple stop signs while being chased by the cops. The cops were even forced to use a stun gun on him so he would comply. He needs some counseling bad. 2. Phan Van Tai Em - Typically you know when your team is bad and you set expectations as to how far you believe you can make it in a tournament. But when you're the player of the year and on your national soccer team and you are playing in the asian cup you think maybe you wouldn't schedule important events on tournament dates. Like scheduling your wedding during the quarterfinals and then skipping out on the match. 3. Tim Donaghy - If you don't know what this clown did yet than you haven't been paying attentio...

Sometimes soccer players just suck at life, it's a true story. The best shot is at at the 2:36 mark where a player attempts to clear a lob pass into the penalty box and instead kicks it off his face and into the goal. Now throw that one on the highlight reel for best defense man of the millennium. Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

So if Steroids are an illegal drug and taking them is illegal and distributing them is illegal shouldn't developing a new strain of undetectable steroids be illegal? Shouldn't this guy be doing the interview in an orange jump suit? Courtesy of the Sports Frog

Yesterday as I got into my car and hit the typical evening traffic I put on the ole radio and was pleased to find out that Eric Mangini was going to be interviewed on 1050 ESPN radio on the Michael Kay show sans Michael Kay. So I tuned in and listened and it was the worst interview in the history of the world. Don LaGreca and Greg Buttle asked question after question which Mangini never directly answered. He skirted around every single question and threw out generic answer after generic answer, it was horrendous. For instance they asked about the troubles Vilma had in adjusting to the 3-4 last year and his response was how the Jets like to play a versatile defense and that they like to set up their play book from week to week to minimize the opponents strengths and take advantage of their weaknesses and that Vilma was a very versatile player and that's why they like him. That doesn't answer the question at all. So after all that frustration I turned on WFAN to find out that...

You Tell Em Dice-K, you all suck, all of you, I am King Japanese Pitcher and I give you the Finger. You hear me? I'm looking at you, you suck.

Alex Rodriguez is currently on a chase to do something that hasn't been done since the Mick in '56, but last night he already matched a legendary Yankee. After smacking his 35th homer last night, Alex Rodriguez matched Babe Ruth as the only players in history to have 11 seasons with 35+ Home Runs and 100+ rbis. Babe Ruth hit this plateau at the age of 37 in 1932 when he belted 41 dingers and 137 rbis in 133 games. Arod turns 32 on Friday. And granted Ruth spent much of his youth as a pitcher in Boston and didn't accomplish 35+ 100+ until he was 25 but it still highlights how great of a player Arod has been over the course of his career. His career numbers are staggering and his current season is amazing. When he hits his 500th homer run sometime in the near future he will eclipse Jimmie Foxx as the youngest player to reach 500 hundred and he will do so by almost and entire year. Toss a few rings on those fingers and a couple more Arod-esque years and he will be consi...

This is obviously an ancient newspaper from Northern Arizona University, but it's still quite humorous. How did the Copy Editor read that and not think, hmm, I wonder if campus is going to line up at this girls dorm room post game for jack offs. Courtesy of GiggleSugar

Things not to put at the bottom of a sledding hill: boulders, a crowd of children and a Buick. Put the sound on for this one, it makes it more painful. Courtesy of We Are the Postmen

Hmm is Mr. Arod starting to think about possibly a long term stay in the Tri-State Area and perhaps a nice fat extension to keep him in Pin Stripes for a few more years? According to the New York Post Arod and his wife went house shopping recently and intently looked at a 25 million dollar estate in Greenwich, CT. My favorite part of the column is they some how infer that this means he's going to stay with his wife and that this could be his "Kobe" moment. But in addition to the Greenwich mansion, Rodriguez, 31, also has checked out a Manhattan townhouse for possible purchase, indicating he expects such a deal with the Yankees to happen. It also suggests that he plans on staying together with his wife, Cynthia, despite revelations in late May that he was traveling across the continent with a busty, blond stripper named Joslyn Noel Morse. "This could be A-Rod's 'Kobe Bryant moment,' " said one source, referring to the Los Angeles Lakers star's pu...

Jebus, Ed what happened to your hairline? I know Jake Plummer was a terrible Bronco but did it get you that depressed that you decided you wanted to look like him? Well, minus the baldness. Poor guy. Check out the rest of the jersey wearing mugshots at The Smoking Gun . They are all quite humorous. HT ( Deadspin )

~So I've noticeably not talked much about the biggest scandals in sports recently, mostly cause everyone else on the planet has put their two cents in. So I didn't want to do an individual post daily on the Vick, Donaghy, Bonds etc., sagas. So I'm gonna roll it all into one quick notes. Mike Vick and the Ron Mexico Doggies ~First on Vick, I think he's pretty much screwed as does everyone else. I doubt he plays a down for Atlanta this season, and personally don't care if he does. I think there's no way he gets away with not knowing that the stuff went down because he was the sole financier and it's highly doubtful he can prove that he didn't even ask where his money was going and had no knowledge of the dog fighting. ~As for the crimes, I'm not a PETA person so I think they're bad but not the worst acts ever committed. The worst part to me is the way they killed some of the dogs that were weak with drownings, electrocutions, and just pummelin...

Do not try to dunk on the streets of China, those be some tricky fellows. The hoop just might come down on your head and cut that shit off.

Kid's lucky he didn't snap his neck in the process. And the fans are lucky that pole didn't impale them like the javelin in the French long jumper last week. That would certainly suck.

This kids name is John Hatzis and this kid came in 2nd place in all of Ontario in the 38 Kg class. And to state the obvious he has nothing more than stumps for legs. So his accomplishment is pretty impressive. Must be tough to know you're facing a kid that's just as good as you and has some advantages over you, namely upper body strength, but the perception is going to be negative regardless. Another one of those you win one and you beat a kid with no legs, you lose and damn you are terrible.

Presenting the Debate: Sergio Garcia is currently dating Greg Norman's daughter Morgan. The debate is to whether or not this association hurts, benefits or is irrelevant to his golf game. The For Argument: Well she looks pretty damn good and her father was a terrific golfer and has boatloads of money. Norman did win two major championships during the course of his career and perhaps his knowledge could help Sergio finally get over the hump at the tournament which best suites his game. Also, maybe Normans experiences of finishing just short could help him. The Against Argument: Well she is now associated with two of historians most classic runners up. No one in the golfing world finished just short more than Greg Norman. He's got no Masters wins but had 9 top 6 finishes including 3 runner up finishes. That's painful. But to make it worse much of it was Norman choking in the final round ala Sergio, which included him shooting a 78 on a sunday where he came into the da...

I didn't think anything could possibly make NASCAR less watchable but bright neon colors showing the drafting of the cars as they drive across the screen? Well that just might do it. What the Hell are they thinking? Courtesy of Awful Announcing

Wouldn't it hurt to play soccer without a sports bra? Hmm, questions to ponder. Oh and I'd advise not watching these videos at work, but if you're a risk taker than go ahead. (NSFW) If you played full out nude shouldn't you still wear shin guards? Another question to ponder. Now if you got a few of these chicks to play in the MLS instead of David Beckham then I think you could get a solid viewership. Until then I think the league might continue to struggle. Courtesy of Epic Carnival

Curtis Martin is finally set to call it a career this week as it's being reported that he will finally announce his retirement this week. During my 24 years on this earth there has never been a better player to wear a Jet uniform and through the shitty years and the good years he was always one glimmer of hope wearing green. He wraps up his career as the fourth leading rusher of all time and holds the record for most consecutive 1000 yard seasons to start a career with Barry Sanders at 10. The reason why Curtis never gets any love as one of the best backs of all time, or even one of the best backs of his generation is evident by searching for videos on youtube of him. The guy was just not a highlight reel. He didn't have blazing speed or incredible Barry Sanders like moves, what he did have was a nose to get the extra yard on every single play and an unparalleled work ethic. So in the end when you go to find some kind of highlight for Curtis, this is what you get, a weird ...

Everyone knows that A-rod is compiling mighty stats but do people truly understand the magnitude of the season he is currently undertaking? He is leading almost all offensive stats in the majors. Here's a complete rundown of A-Rod and his current standings in all of Major League Baseball. Average: 23rd, .313 to .362 (Magglio) Hits: 21st, 114 to 138 (Ichiro) OBP: 9th, .414 to .497 (Bonds) XBH: 2nd, 59 to 61 (Utley) SLUG: 1st, .662 to .614 (Howard) OPS: 1st, 1.077 to 1.067 (Bonds) Runs: 1st, 94 to 86 (Sheffield) RBI: 1st, 100 to 85 (Morneau) HR: 1st, 34 to 30 (Prince) Those last three are what I want to focus on. As rare as the triple crown is, being first in the AL or NL in the three categories of runs, rbi and HRs is almost as rare. And to lead the entire major leagues in these three categories is even more rare. The last person to accomplish this feat in their respective league was Mike Schmidt in the strike shortened 1981 season and he was far surpassed in runs scored by Ri...

I wonder how much time you need to have on your hands to be good enough to juggle a ball while climbing objects. Me thinks he might have a bit too much spare time on his hands. Kind of like myself except he doesn't like computers.

Things that you should probably watch out for during the first 5 minutes of an MMA fight: a kick to the face. Ouch.

Gary Bettman Biggest Problem: No one Cares about Hockey in America anymore. The ratings for games are atrocious and the NHL finals have been relegated to VS, a channel that not many Americans get. Other Problems: The financial structure of the NHL is not sound. The Southern Expansion of franchises was moronic. His Advil: No one cares about hockey, thus the dumb decisions he makes and the stupid stuff that happens in hockey is much more likely to fly under the radar than any other sport. Roger Goodell Biggest Problem: Players acting like ass bags. From Vick to Pacman to Tank to the entire Bengals team every day there is something news worthy and negative in regards to the NFL. Other Problems: The NFL doesn't garner much interest or talent internationally. His Advil: The NFL is all powerful in America. Sunday is synonymous with the NFL. People crave football more than any sport in America and that is unlikely to change anytime in the near future. David Stern Biggest Problem: ...

"Oh look at me I'm french and I like to prance around on the pitch with my new long haired Brazilian teammate, Ronaldinho. I am so gay right now. Give me a smooch." Thierry Henry Via Caught Offside

Coach "So you're sayin right there he was safe" Ump "Yeah" Coach "But you called him out for the hell of it" Ump "Ya I did" Well that is just figgin hilarious. Best umpiring ever. Dude pissed me off last inning so he was getting called out regardless. Classic. Courtesy of the Fanhouse

The Open Championship final round was one of the most entertaining rounds of golf I have ever watched. It went back and forth between the leaders. Had people making birdies, eagles, double bogeys down the stretch. A playoff between two great golfers and an Argentine unknown pulling shots out of his ass. It was great. Sergio es Un Choko I said I wanted Sergio to win the damn thing, and I said I wanted to see how he would handle the whole thing coming down the stretch, so I got one of two. I really don't think Sergio played that poorly on Sunday he just regressed back to the old Sergio, as in he couldn't make a single damn putt. He had tons of opportunities to drain a 10 foot putt and he never did and that burned him. The belly putter which worked the first few days just lost its gusto on sunday. Sergio was a typical dumb ass post tournament however, and said that he should "write a book on how not to miss a shot and not win a playoff." Hey, Sergio no more talk p...

Someone decided to make a full out highlight reel of OJ Simpson for that new video game where you can play as old NFL superstars. Just stay tuned for the last few seconds, that's where all the humor lies. Courtesy of The Hater Nation

What's wrong with some Red Sox fans? Dude you're still up more than a handful of games and the Yanks don't have too many more games left against crap teams like the D-rays. Calm down. Don't give yourself a heart attack. Courtesy of Awful Announcing

That's right Sergio you did bend over and take it in the ass...

Is Kei Igawa the Product of Milk Soda (Fanta Lactic) and a Beaver? Me thinks so.

The Yankees new callup Shelley Duncan is here. Wow, he is one scary looking dude.

Same dudes that provided bowlinnnnn but this is older. Don't know how I missed it but it's definitely a keeper.

It starts out a bit slow and than it kicks into gear. Cheese Fries. Peach Pies. Nacho Chips. Bowlinnnn... Courtesy of With Leather from Rosenberg's World

Scenario: Your kid is a borderline minor league prospect who if he added a few miles per hour to his fastball perhaps the big leagues would come calling. Bad Parenting Solution: Go to an orthopedic surgeon and ask for him to do Tommy John surgery on his elbow in hopes that after rehab that fastball will go from 88 to 91. As stupid as that sounds, apparently it is actually happening in the States now. Kids with injuries to their elbows are often overstating their symptoms in order to get a doctor to perform the surgery on them. Or even worse, parents with children who have 100% healthy arms are asking surgeons if they will perform the surgery so that their child can put that extra zip on his fastball. Force and motion are produced by the contraction of muscles. Ligaments do not make the body move. They are ropelike devices that connect bones and stabilize joints, but they do not have any springlike function. Tommy John surgery relieves pain but does not provide an increased ability o...

Another week down and another one with some sparkling moments of idiocy and pathetic acts. Here are your contestants: 1. Wil Ledezma - Typically pitchers miss games for injuries or the occasional bereavement and even punching trash cans some times gets it done. But leaving your passport in your pants while you're home in Venezuela during the all star break and ruining your Visa, thus stranding you at home? Now that's classic moron. 2. Gary Sheffield - Personally I thought the whole Sheffield thing was hilarious but it was really stupid in all honesty. The Not all the Way Black, Never Shot Anything in my Butt and blaming all of your troubles on women, those are some classic lines. 3. Tero Pitkamaki - This is the Finnish dope that slipped on his run up to throw his javelin and stuck it in the side of a french long jumper just sitting on the sidelines stretching. If you haven't seen this yet you're missing out, hell where have you been, even my mother has seen it. ...

That picture is of a man whom I've never heard of but currently sits second (at 9:15) in the Open Championship. His name is the exact opposite of what Philadelphians epitomize, Boo Weekley. Not only is he bald and overly goofy looking but with the last name Weekley he some how wound up with the nickname Boo. Well that's friggin classic. Possible Reasons Why He Got the Nickname Boo 1. He's Scary Looking. 2. He sucks at golf so family members decided to give him the nickname boo, so no one boos him vigorously. 3. His Children Are Frightened of him. 4. He's into Rap Music and Wants his boyfriend to call him his Boo. 5. Boo is short for Booourns. 6. He smells bad so he got the nickname B.O. which then started to be pronounced Boo. Apparently according to wikipedia he got his nickname for Boo Boo Bear. Well that's lame I would have gone with the he frightens his children angle.