SimonOnSports

Using my vast knowledge of the Universe I have uncovered what people around the globe are dressing up as for Halloween. Drew Bledsoe is very distraught and is headed out for Halloween as Lorraine Bobbit. He will be carrying a large knife and desperately searching for Tony Romo in order to eliminate his man piece. Phil Mickelson went to his Halloween party as a fat and out of shape Tiger Woods thoe only future version of Tiger Woods he would be able to beat mano a mano in a big tourny. Stephen A. Smith reported to a party wearing a muzzle as this is the only possible way for him to stop yelling. Carl Pavano is walking around in a suit and driving a ferrari in his character of got away with Grand Theft and there is nothing that could bring me down. Tom Brady dressed up a Zues god of all things football and had a child dressed up as Peyton Manning attend to all of his needs throughout the evening. Jets and Colts D-Lines are going to dance battle in their respective Swiss Cheese Group O...

Week 8 Awards Wow You Guys Suck: San Francisco 49ers, Alright you knew that the 49ers were going to lose and that the Bears were looking to come back strong after the poor showing in the Desert, but 41-0 at halftime? Now that is pathetic. Runners Up: Eagles where was the offense this week, Arizona might as well hand Denny his walking papers today no point in forcing him to endure beatdowns the rest of the season. Cough Cough Cough: Three Day Old Cheeseburger, How many people figured that Big Ben would through the first half of the season be by far the worst Quarterback in the league. He's played worse than Carr or Pennington maybe even Charlie Frye. Honestly I avoided putting the Steelers in the You Suck category because really Big Ben lost these game solely. This might be the biggest example ever of how one player could lose a football game. Runners Up: Chad Pennington played absolutely positively terrible against the Browns, David Carr did a solid job of scoring tds for the ...

Wow the NBA is starting up already, is it just me or does this seem incredibly early. NBA East 1. Miami Heat, Southeast Champs - The Heat may come into the season a little unenthused about the regular season games, but they have too much talent to not win their division again and thrust themselves into the playoffs as the eventually favorite. 2. Detroit Pistons, Central Champs - Absolutely Big Ben was a bad loss for this team, however the signing of Nazr Mohammed is an underrated signing as he will be more than serviceable down low and may actually be better on defense against Shaq in a possible playoff clash. 3. Cleveland Cavs - Lebron will once again strap the Cavs on his back and thrust them into the playoffs. They will come up just short of the division crown but a possible Wade Lebron matchup in the 2nd round would certainly be enticing. 4. New Jersey Nets, Atlantic Champs - Easily the weakest divsion in the NBA will be dominated by the Nets as long as they stay healthy. The dr...

Cal moves in Clemson moves out and the three top SEC schools move up ahead of the Trojan man. Other than that a relatively uneventful college football weekend as the countdown to the battle of 1 and 2 ticks closer. 1. Ohio State Buckeyes - Cruise Control. You think there is any chance that either of their next two games are remotely competetive, ya didn't think so. Quality Wins: Penn St., @Texas, @Iowa 2. Michigan Wolverines - Really same with Michigan after handling every team on their schedule, and dominating everyone with their D Michigan simply needs to stay healthy and get Manningham healthy to put up their best fight in the Horseshoe. Quality Wins: Wisconsin, @ND, @Penn St., Iowa 3. Florida Gators - Florida is the third best team in the country. And clearly has the best path of all 1 loss teams to the National Title game. The SEC is the best conference this season, and the Gators are the cream of the crop. The Cocktail Party is always a difficult game to win and the Gat...

Hi you don't know me, and you probably never want to meet me, because currently I am a very angry and bitter Jet fan. Mostly because you douche bags decided to blow a call in the closing seconds of the game. Which after several different camera angles easily showed that you were in great position to make the correct call but decided to go in the opposite direction. So if you could just be so kind and travel to lower Connecticut so I can torture you for countless hours I'd be very apperciative. Here's a few things that are on the Agenda: Rubbing Coarse Sandpaper on your Nipples. Pencil Sharpener to your small prick. Taiser Shots to the Cajones. Injection of insects into rectum. Drilling out the eyeballs of the line judge and urinating in said vacated eye socket. Plus more of course. Thank You, An Angry Jet Fan

Inspired By Humor Created by a Three Year Old

Ugh, I really don't like this weeks spreads that much. 5. Cincinatti Bengals (-4 1/2) vs. Atlanta Falcons In Ocho Cinco I trust. Probably a dumb move considering this could be a very close game, but I really think its about time that the Bengals go out and score an assload of points. It happened practically every week last year and hasn't happened at all this year. Ocho Cinco is going to score a td this week. 4. New England Patriots (-2 1/2) at Minnesota Vikings The Patriots are a frontrunner for the Super Bowl this year. Let me repeat once again the Patriots are going to be a team to be reckonned with in January. On Monday night they'll go into the dome, wipe out the Vikings, and then people on sportscenter will proclaim that they played good but they could still use a big time wideout. 3. New York Jets (+1 1/2) at Cleveland Browns I'm pretty surprised that the Jets are not favored in this game. Its not as if the Browns have done anything this season to deserve ...

Ah, Gary and his wonderful mouth. The Yankees are apparently picking up his option with the idea of trading him, for who knows what. However, the great man that Gary is he's starting to go off and say his typical things that make no sense. Last year he reported that the Yankees were picking up his option, which was immediately followed by Brian Cashman coming out and saying that he said no such thing, and Gary whining like a little baby. Well now that the Yankees have picked up his option he is back at his normal whining , apparently saying that he does not want to play one year in the Bronx and that he does not want to play first. And if he gets traded he's not going to be happy. Shut Up Gary. You negotiated your contract, you put on the option year. Just because you are in the last year of a contract does not mean the team has to give you an extension. That's not how it works you signed a contract for so many years and you have to abide by it. Not only are you bi...

5. Texas Longhorns vs. Texas Tech Red Raiders in Lubbock Maybe its just wishful thinking to hope that this will be a good game. But hopefully the Leacher will put together some immaculate gameplan to put the Longhorns down, who are in a solid position to be the #1 one loss team, when they do not remotely deserve that standing. The Pick: Texas much to my dismay in a romp. 4. Clemson Tigers vs. Virginia Tech Hokies in Blacksburg Amazing how the Hokies seemed to have been ranked earlier in the season on name value alone. Coming off a bye it will be interesting to see if Glennon and the O-Line have learned how to read blitz packages and know how to get the ball out early to avoid the sack. My guess is they probably didn't and after Clemson rolled to a victory over GaTech I just don't see VaTech bouncing back tonight. The Pick: Clemson by a 10ish. 3. Miami Hurricanes vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets in the ATL The Hurricanes get back all of their players from suspension who will...

Once upon a time every athletic semi tall black shooting guard that came into the NBA was the 'Next' Jordan, or a White small forward with a decent jump shot was just like Larry Bird when he was in college. We all have a tendency to compare young players to players of the past, usually comparing them to far superior players. This year the epidemic amongst the sports world is to compare these young QBs to a young Brett Favre. At the beginning of the season when Rex Grossman was having success, all before he decided to attempt to set the turnover record against the Cards, Rex was just like a Young Brett Favre. In the Vikings game he was just like Brett, throwing an INT for a touchdown then leading a game winning drive. Rex Grossman has started less than a full season in his NFL, career and yet he's just like the best QB of the last decade. Hell even JP Losman at times has been compared to a young Brett Favre. You're kidding me right? Is there no other big armed, sli...

So I find Halloween to be one of the most frustrating events as am only mildly creative and lack great ideas as to what to dress up as. However, I was excellent as a kid of recycling old costumes into a new one, for instance I would simply change weapons or wear a crown to be the king of the dead instead of a zombie you get the idea. Well this year I had a few decent ideas, none of which really worked for a redhead who currently has a brillo pad on his head. My ideas being Token Black from South Park, or Clayton Bigbsby the Black White Supremacist. Sure either would have been funny, but too much effort for me to try to look like a bald old black man. So what did I settle on? Glass Joe from Mike Tyson's Punch Out, why well cause it's easy, and he's a red head with too much hair. So simply I need to get Red Boxing gloves, and then I'll write Glass Joe on a torn up sweatshirt. Mildly humurous if anyone gets it.

Week 7 Awards Wow You Guys Suck: Jacksonville Jaguars, If you plan on being a playoff team you have to win the games you are supposed to win. Right now you are the most inconsistant team in the NFL, and thats not gonna let you play in January. Runners Up: Washington can say nighty night to the playoffs, Arizona is done. Cough Cough Cough: Marty Schottenheimer, I don't remember the exact number but the Chargers are something like 0-12 in their last 12 games decided by 4 points or less, which means he's a miserable coach down the stretch, sure it was a nice comeback but eventually you need to win these games. Runners Up: Tony Romo way to make your coach look good, TO nice catch on 4th down buddy. This Scaircrow Needs a Brain: Bill Parcells, So you got ancy and decided to put in Romo which completely back fired, now you have a major QB controversy and a bitch receiver. Runner Up: Marvin Lewis going for a 62 yard field goal instead of a hail mary, Edgerrin James how are you enj...

It's getting to the point of the season where the teams in the Power Rankings need to have atleast two quality wins to get into the poll. For this reason Cal and Louisville fell out after the Texas, Clemson and BC wins. 1. Ohio State Buckeyes - The Buckeyes no longer have anything standing between them and the showdown in the Horshoe on November 18th, they are the best team in the country right now and I don't think you can put up a legit argument for anyone else. Quality Wins: Penn St., @Texas, @Iowa 2. Michigan Wolverines - To not vote for Michigan as the #2 team in the country is mind boggling to me. First, everyone loves ND even though they aren't great and Michigan slugged them. Than everyone loved Iowa to start the season and Michigan completely shut down their offense. Plus, Wisconsin is the 3rd best team in the Big 10 and the Wolverines beat them easily. Quality Wins: Wisconsin, @ND, @Penn St., Iowa 3. Southern Cal Trojans - That win over Nebraska would have loo...

Or Maybe not so epic. Considering I only picked something right when I picked the Cardinals because of the powers of So Taguchi. Battle of Positions First Base: Albert Pujols vs. Sean Casey (maybe) - We all no Pujols is better than any first baseman in baseball no need to debate. Advantage: Cards Second Base: Ronny Belliard vs. Placido Polanco - Ronny is a fat fat baseball player, did anyone other than me think it was slightly pathetic that he didn't even come close to beating out that bunt. Anybody? Advantage: Tiggers Third Base: Scott Rolen vs. Brandon Inge - I expect Scott Rolen to turnaround and have a big series this week. He's been a terrific player his whol year and really hasn't had much success in the playoffs. Inge is a great fielder, and a good role player for the Tigers but he's not better than Rolen. Advantage: Cards Shortstop: David Eckstein vs. Carlos Guillen - David Eckstein is a pain in the ass that seamingly gets it done all the time. But Guillen has m...

5. Washington Redskins (+9 1/2) at Indianapolis Colts This is now the Redskins season its all or nothing this game, they lose and they might as well pack it up cause they aren't about to go 8-1 down the stretch. That is why I don't foresee this game being a blowout. In addition the Colts still have no idea how to stop the run, giving Portis ample opportunities to succeed, and also the Colts have failed to crush both the Jets and the Titans this season, why would you believe they are going to crunch the Skins. 4. New York Giants (+3 1/2) at Dallas Cowboys I believe the Giants are the better team all around. Tiki will be motivated to run around the Cowboys defense and best of all you are getting a field goal to protect against a last second win by the Cowboys. 3. San Diego Chargers (-5 1/2) at Kansas City Chiefs Normally I wouldn't pick against the Chiefs playing at home as usually they are very dangerous in Arrowhead but lets face it they are still starting Damon Huard a...

Last night proved for the final time that people really have no idea what they are talking about. If you watched the TV or looked at online polls or listended to the radio you would have thought that the Mets would win in a landslide, but surprise it didn't happen. The Cards Pitching Remember when the Cards came into the playoffs and everyone said they weren't going to win due to their pitching. Well Suppan threw two Gems and Wainwright has filthy stuff coming out in the ninth. His curveball has so much break on it, it should be illegal. Second Guessing of the Big Willie Some peopel are going to come out today and second guess to of Willie's decisions. 1st to leave in Heilman in the 9th in a tie ball game. Honestly I have no problem with this, Aaron has been the setup man the whole year he rolled through the 8th and was facing the bottom of the lineup if you get through there than in the 10th you have Wagner to throw to the heart of the order and the last thing you c...

After the mighty powers of So Taguchi last night I decided it was about time I learned more about the man the myth the legend. And the first place to explore, why his very own website of course . Translated courtesy of Google Translate which is blatantly in Beta. And here are some wonderful stories for you to enjoy, dude is 37. Did you have any idea he was 37, I think he was late 20s at the most, damn he's old. The Japanese pronunciation of the Mississippi River is Mishishitsupi which I could imagine being hilarious when said but and Authentic Japanese man. And of course the glorious art displayed on the right. But finally his Mail from So section which makes little to no sense when translated but is pretty humurous. Here is a classic segment: If with say, it does not win finally, the meaning releasing. When tomorrow, it wins, because of the world series to Detroit. When it is defeated, with season off thrust to St. Louis. The american intersection ultra quiz they are the straw ra...

Well since I've been so miserable at deciding who was going to win any playoff series I might as well use complete irrational logic in selecting who is going to win the game tonight. 1. Every State in the US basically thinks the Mets are going to win, therefore logic says the Cardinals are going to win. Cards 1 Mets 0 2. Tony LaRussa used Braden Looper last night and therefore will steer clear of him tonight. Cards 2 Mets 0 3. This playoffs was originally hyped up as a possible Subway Series match up, now it can be hyped up as two teams that backed into the playoffs. Cards 3 Mets 0 4. The Mets are starting Oliver Perez while the Cards are starting Suppan who was lights out last game. Aka he's going to get rocked this game. Cards 3 Mets 1 5. Tony LaRussa pulled out Carpenter last night before he reached the 80 pitch mark, pinch hit Duncan who grounded into a double play and then put in Looper who gave up 2 more runs, his genius is shrinking. Cards 3 Mets 2 6. Cards have one ...

5. Rutgers Scarlet Knights vs. Pitt Panthers in Ketchup Stadium Back to back big matches for Rutgers, who knew. Pitt has only lost one game when they blew a lead to Michigan St. prior to MSU's annual meltdown. While Navy isn't a powerhouse team they are a decent team that will make a bowl this season and Rutgers ran them out of their own stadium. They honestly right now do deserve to be ranked and this week will determine whether they are actual Big East contenders. The Pick: Rutgers by a couple. 4. Texas Longhorns vs. Nebraska Cornhuskers in Lincoln One of two ranked on ranked matchups this weekend, however I don't see how anybody is overly excited about Big 12 football it really is the least exciting conference this season. Texas is full of athletes but no big names this season and the rest of the teams flat out aren't that good. Atleast the Big East has Steve Slaton and Pat White. The Longhorns are so above and beyond the talent of everyone in the Big 12 at t...

This goes to the one and only president of University of Miami, Donna E. Shalala , for her hideous display of leadership this week. After laying down brutal penalties of one game, against Duke nonetheless, to every one except the the medieval warrior swinging around his helmet, Donna held a press conference where she admitted that she had not watched the film because it would have upset her. That is the most pathetic excuse of leadership I have ever heard, she said that she was there so she doesn't need to watch the tape. You have got to be kidding me, how in the world did you become the president of a major university, how did the chairman possibly choose you during their interview process. You have it on film, to analyze and see exactly what happened and you chose not to. If I was a member of the board at Miami, I would want the head of the AD, Coker and probably Donna. Coker isn't getting the results he needs and he has obviously has lost control of the team. Brandon Me...

Week 6 Awards Wow You Guys Suck: Washington Redskins, So I guess you guys went out and got all those big time free agents so you could lose to bad teams like the Titans, was that what you had in mind Daniel, or were you too busy making movie deals with Tom Cruise? Runners Up: Kansas City and the Hermanator decided to get mauled in Pitt, Houston can't stop anybody from scoring. Cough Cough Cough: Arizona Cardinals, Sure no one thought they were going to win but when your defense does not allow a touchdown, forces 6 turnovers and your team holds two different 20 point leads and somehow you manage to lose that is one of the biggest collapses ever. To top that off missing a 40 yard kick to put the nail in the coffin, jeez, I bet they all feel fantastic. Runners Up: Neil Rackers has got to make a 40 yard kick in a dome at the end of a game, Falcons Offensive line let the Giants beat down Vick all day. This Scaircrow Needs a Brain: Nick Saban, Who left a timeout in his pocket down th...

1. Ohio State Buckeyes - The Buckeyes put a whipping on Michigan State fully entrenching the Spartans as a horrible team whose coach should be fired at the end of the season. While some may question Penn St. as a quality win, the Nittany Lions are 4-0 this season against teams not ranked in the top 5. So they're not that bad. The Buckeyes will roll to the battle with the Wolverines as they don't even have the Badgers of Wisconsin on their Big 10 schedule this season. Quality Wins: Penn St., @Texas, @Iowa 2. Michigan Wolverines - A victory in Happy Valley without your most dynamic offensive weapon further proves the Wolverines are for real this season, now they go up against their last test of the season before the Buckeyes at home versus a realing Iowa Hawkeye squad. Who knew that the battle in the Horshoe come November could be as big as the National Championship game. In addition I firmly believe that when the Big 10 is wrapped up Wisconsin will be the #3 team in the co...

And the NFL spreads are starting to get larger and larger each week. I think I went with slightly too many favorites this week but we'll see. 5. Cincinatti Bengals (-6 1/2) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers Fool me once Bruce, now its time to fool me twice. The Bengals are a scoring machine the Bucs need to play superb defense to shutdown the Bengals don't think it's going to happen. 4. Dallas Cowboys (-10 1/2) at Houston Texans The Cowboys desperately need to bounce back this week and they run up against the perfect opponent to make Drew Bledsoe look again like a serviceable quarterback. The Texans will make the Cowboys offense look potent again and for yet another week good ole #1 Draft pick anti-SuperMario will do nada. 3. Washington Redskins (-9 1/2) vs. Tennessee Titans Yes this is an enormous spread but here is what the Redskins have shown this season, that they are terrible against good teams but trounce bad teams. Just look at the Texans and Dolphins scores. Tennessee...

Really a below average college football weekend with only one ranked vs. ranked matchup. 5. Rutgers Scarlet Knights vs. Navy Midshipmen in Anapolis It's pretty damn odd that either of these teams are involved in a football game worth watching nevermind one of the biggest games of the weekend. Navy comes into the game 5-1 and having beaten some solid teams along the way while Rutgers is 5-0 and has been mostly unchallenged. Navy is an option run first team, so if you do watch the game expect some old school football. The Pick: Rutgers by a couple. 4. UCLA Bruins vs. Oregon Ducks in Euguene A battle of two upper-tier Pac 10 teams. It will probably be a shootout honestly I'm not that interested in the Pac 10 until these teams start playing USC. The Pick: Ducks roll in a bounce back game 3. Virgina Tech Hokies vs. Boston College Eagles in Chestnut Hill The loser of this game will be all but eliminated from ACC Championship contention. The Hokies looked miserable both on the t...

Much delayed, my apologies. AL Coach of the Year 1. Jim Leyland - Hey I got the Tigers to the playoffs, thats an auto trophy. 2. Ken Macha - Got the A's to the playoffs despite major injuries to his SS and ace of the staff. 3. Ron Gardenhire - Pushed his squad past both the Tigers and the White Sox for the division down the stretch and helped develop Morneau into an MVP candidate. NL Coach of the Year 1. Joe Girardi - Got fired even though he's going to win coach of the year, wow that's moronic. Got the rookie squad to the brink of the playoffs. 2. Willie Randolph - Pulled all the right strings despite the fact that his team suffered major injuries to the pitching staff. 3. Jerry Narron - The Reds were in contention for a long time until their idiot manager decided to trade two of their starting lineup for bullpen help. How'd that work out for ya? AL Rookie of the Year 1. Justin Verlander - After the slow decline of Jonathon Papelbon and the season ending injury ...