Sex Cannon Redemption

Sunday, September 30, 2007

"Somehow someway I made the Sex Cannon look good."

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Nighty Night 2007

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NFL Week 4 Pick Suggestions

Friday, September 28, 2007

I was in a rush to do the week 5 picks so I accidentally just copied over week 4, which probably is the best for everybody and chances are no one sees this anyway. But I went 1-4 with my 5 suggestions. Lost my survivor pool and did miserable. He's picture evidence:

Spread


NonSpread


See that was bad...

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SimonOnSports News

I'm still working on prettying this bad boy up and would like suggestions from the peanut gallery. Consider this the beta. Notes the banner is going to be bigger than it is now. Should be about the size of the post width.

So assbags check out this guy and tell me what you think.

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Friday Video Blowout

Everyone needs something to keep them occupied on Friday afternoons so the Friday Video Blowout was born. Spend your next few minutes, laughing, crying of laughter, pissing your self, whatever, but mostly wasting your companies time.

Videos Courtesy of, in order, SuperDeluxe, Fantasy Humor, 100% IR, With Leather, EDSBS, LOLJocks, 100% IR again, ProFootball Talk, EC, Fanhouse , Yardbarker


I never put 1 and 1 together, Pacman Jones is Storm?


I deserve some loans. Especially after the pain Larry Fitzgerald is putting me through.


Friggin Monkeys Have hops apparently.


Boo I wanted to see who won. I wonder if body blows or neck blows are more wearing for the fighters.


The Ole Ball Coach was not very pleased with a kicker scoring a TD.


And Sotherners wonder why we think they're morons...


Personally I like to work on putts that are more than 2 feet. I just take those as makes regardless.


Did Vince Wilfork and the Macho Man have a meeting last week prior to the game? It's a possibility.


Goalie Fights are Extreme!!!


I'm glad he changed his name to Ecko, I don't think Milikowski or whatever it is flies in the hood.


He can sure handle two balls, but what about in sac form?

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Weekly Waste of Oxygen

There are some characters in this weeks waste of oxygen. Here are your contestants:

1. Lynam Athletic - Your team sucks you finish in last place and you are pretty much a disgrace so what to do to improve your team. Oh I know change everybody's legal name to superstar players so that you throw out a world cup squad. Except Ronaldhino isn't European though right? He's more of a human horse.

2. Antonio Henton - Go Buckeyes, go solicit them prostitutes. When you're the 3rd string QB on a team I guess you need something to do outside holding a clipboard all day and if that means spending your Tressel paycheck on some hooker love then I have no problem with that. What's so bad with soliciting prostitutes anyway? Aren't they the ones breaking the law?

3. Michael Vick - Hmm let's see. You're awaiting sentencing for a major crime which could be up to 5 years you sit around and you want to ease the tension. So you smoke a little weed and then you fail a drug test all but convincing the judge to make his decision harder. He just isn't very bright.

4. Greg Ryan - Goalie hasn't given up a goal in 300 minutes, hmm she's due let's bench her. Thanks to this douche we lost to Brazil in the Woman's World Cup. And while I normally couldn't give two shits about the loss it will be annoying because I work with a Brazilian who will just bug me about this for the rest of the week.

Get Your Vote On

Last Weeks Winner:
Bill Belichick

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The Big 5 College Football Games of the Weekend

Thursday, September 27, 2007


5. Clemson Tigers at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
And the Yellow Jackets fall from grace has been quick. A loss to UVA? What the hell was that. Another loss to Clemson this weekend? And they can officially kiss their ACC title hopes good bye. Entrance to the ACC title game goodbye, season goodbye everything. It will be over. The Pick: And it will be as Clemson sneaks out of ATL with a Victory, so you might as well do some football betting.

4. Michigan St. Spartans at Wisconsin Badgers
Time to eliminate another pretender in the Big 10. This week it's the undefeated Spartans versus the undefeated Badgers. This pits the Spartans who usually can put up a ton of points on the board versus the Badgers, who attempt to turn every game into a snoozer. Hopefully I'm either not watching or the Spartans force the Badgers to get aggressive on offense. The Pick: The Badgers Sneak Out with a Victory

3. Auburn Tigers at Florida Gators
So the Gators won the National Title last year even with their loss to the Auburn Tigers. Maybe it dampens the revenge factor a bit but I'm sure the Gators are incredibly fired up for this one and were looking past shatty Ole Miss last weekend for this game.The Pick: Tim Tebow and the Boys roll

1a. Cal Bears at Oregon Ducks
Now this is a game which will probably be the most fun to watch of the weekend. Both teams are explosive. Both defenses probably aren't strong enough to severely slow down the other defenses. The winner is immediately crowned second best team in the Pac 10, the second best conference in the country. I wouldn't be surprised to see 100 points on the board at the end of the game.The Pick: Dennis Dixon Continues his improbably trek to the Heisman ceremony.

1. West Virginia Mountaineers at South Florida Bulls
The biggest game of the weekend is from the Big East? Well I'll go with a tie between this and the Pac 10 showdown. This will be the Mountaineers first tester and their first of two revenge games from last season. Last year their Big East Championship hopes fell at the hands of the Bulls at home. The Pick: I'm tempted to take the Bulls but I'll stick with Slaton and White and Revenge.

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The Rocks With Destiny in Their Hands

When looking at the NL Standings you naturally come to the conclusion that 4 teams in the NL have destiny in their own hands. If the Mets, Dbacks and Cubs win out they all take home their division. If the Padres win out they at minimum take home the wild card.

However if you said 4, you would be wrong. In fact now thanks to the mighty Pirates an additional team has been granted destiny in their own hands. The Colorado Rockies are said team. The Rocks are currently on a ten game win streak and extending the streak 4 more games means that at worst they will surpass the Arizona Diamondbacks and will at worst will share the Wildcard with the Philadelphia Phillies with whom they are tied now.

Just over a week ago the Rockies were 5 games back of the Padres for the WildCard and 7 games behind the Arizona Diamondbacks to have advanced to the position they are today is one of the most amazing baseball accomplishments in history. If they were to run the table and make the playoffs, regardless you have to imagine that Clint Hurdle went from the Hotseat to arguably the manager of the year.

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People Seeking Race Issues Always Find Them

Last Week I put forth a post where I left a hypothetical statement from Marc Ecko to Barry Bonds. Most of it was meant as a joke. Early this morning I looked at my inbox and noticed that someone posted a massive comment on said post and pointed out racial issues with the baseball. I'd imagine that this comment was something the poster spread around many different blogs on the web but judge for yourself. Here's the Comment in it's entirety and I'll comment about it afterwards:

MARC ECKO NUT BALL

The Commissioner of Baseball must move quickly to stop what will be a huge mistake in American race relations and an ugly black eye for the sport. “Branding” was something done to African slaves. African-Americans could boycott the Hall of Fame or even Baseball itself. How could Ecko be so dumb?

Marc Ecko will brand Barry Bonds’ record home run ball and send it on to Cooperstown? It’s time for the Commissioner to put his foot down on this one. If he doesn’t, he makes an enormous mistake in public relations and in race relations in the United States. This is one of the most irresponsible things I’ve seen done in sports in a long time. Let’s hope the Commissioner is responsible. Hall of Fame President Petroskey apparently is not. His mind must be changed.

We saw this type of racist garbage when Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth's record. Same garbage, different year, different racist in the bigot Marc Ecko, familiar racism.

The obvious facts are that Barry Bonds has never tested positive for steroids or found legally liable for steroid use or possession. In the United States we are supposed to be presumed innocent until proven guilty. So to start with, this wacko fashion designer is ignoring the democratic ideals of his nation. And he has a track record of goofiness and irresponsibility in other areas. To allow this fiasco to proceed is basically a validation of the nutso dealings of an eccentric (a polite word for crazy) millionaire. The public good is being hijacked by a nut ball.

And there are present and historical public goods here. Baseball, like much of American culture, has a very ugly history of racism. A stunt like this reminds people that for the first half of the history of the sport, people of color were not allowed to play. The word “Branded” is an ugly reminder of slavery, as slaves were branded with a hot iron when they were auctioned. Bidders would hear them scream and could even smell the seared flesh. Slave ship captains also would brand slaves as they were loaded and chained into the hold. Branding was also done for other reasons; it was a mark of disgrace done to the body for a transgression against society. Black slaves were also branded for disobedience and running away-some times on the face.
Symbolism is powerful, and this symbol says whites in America want a red hot iron seared into the flesh of this black man for allegations that have never been proven. Perhaps they would like to lynch him as well? If you study the history of lynching of black men, you will find that some of them indeed were branded before they were hanged. And, like Bonds, many were lynched over an unproven allegation.

Also, the United States is STILL dealing with harsh race issues and a prevailing undercurrent of racism. We’re getting better. And starting to heal. But when Mark Ecko does something like this, it opens old wounds and sets back race relations a decade. I don’t think Mr. Ecko realizes just how evil his actions are. Most crazy people don’t. Or is he just plain stupid and uneducated? He needs a lesson in history. Perhaps with a red-hot iron as a visual aid. Being wealthy doesn’t guarantee intelligence or proper education or a rational mind. Mark Ecko is proof of that. Marc Ecko will trot out his lackies and call in markers to prove he has African-American friends. “I’m not a racist; some of my best friends are Black.” Sure, we’ve heard that one before.

If the Commissioner allows this baseball into the Hall of Fame, Cooperstown will be branded as racist. Baseball will be branded as racist, and I certainly hope the players will put their personal animosities aside and close ranks around this in the interest of national unity and racial harmony. We could end up with an African-American boycott of the Baseball Hall of Fame.

It’s the natural result, and it’s probably the proper result. As Blacks will point out, none of McGuire’s stuff is branded. Because it was the ancestors of white people that branded black people, not the reverse. Whites were not branded and then sent out to pick cotton in the hot sun. Whites, such as Marc Ecko, did the branding.

Ecko tried to insulate himself from accusations of racism and undemocratic ideals by having his internet vote on the fate of the ball. It doesn’t work. To those that say that it lends legitimacy to his racism, I say the majority of Americans wanted to keep Blacks in slavery. A majority of Americans didn’t want Blacks to vote. A majority of Americans wanted to keep Jim Crow and segregation. Because a majority of Americans were once white racists like Marc Ecko. And actions like this make people think we still are a nation of racists. Why didn’t Ecko have a vote that Bonds be publicly flogged? Then he could be whipped AND branded.

If the ball is refused entry into Cooperstown, a disgraced Mark Ecko can put the defaced ball in his office and stand there staring at it while chanting “I am not a racist.” If he chants it enough, he might continue to believe it.

Dennis G. Carrier


I'm not Black and will never be able to claim that I understand what life is like as a black man. But personally this is where African American activists absolutely lose me. Branding certainly was used in slavery but its not synonymous with it. In my fraternity the elder brothers all hand brands of FIJI on their chest were they doing it in reference to slavery? When gloves are branded with Rawlings or the company that makes them is it in reference to slavery? Same with baseball bats. Branding the ball is simply putting a permanent mark on the ball. Leather wears down, a Sharpie would be less effect than a brand.

Barry Bonds cheated you know it everyone knows it, just like OJ murdered two people. Just because they get away with it doesn't mean the public doesn't know. Innocent until proven guilty is solely for the courts.

Spend time trying to right whats really wrong in this society. Don't point out something irrelevant to racism. Point out that our education system are poorer in Black communities and not giving some the opportunities to succeed in life. Point out how many rap albums degrade woman and promote violence and give congress and the American public in general a bad perception on Black people in this country. Point out things that are there things that are important and try to work to improve those. Don't waste everybody's time trying to link Branding a Baseball to slavery. Don't waste everybody's time trying to convince the world that this is a horrendous injustice and that Marc Ecko is a racist. I'm willing to bet you've never spoken to Marc Ecko and probably have no idea what he's like. And neither do I. So please if you ever want the United States to be 100% equal between every race work on the things that need improving and don't make claims that make white people like myself think that some Black people in this world need to make every single little thing a race issue. If you continue to do this there will never be equality.

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How to Help a Kid Eliminate a Loose Tooth

Wednesday, September 26, 2007



Nothing brightens my day quite like watching a little girl potentially lose a few teeth. I feel so much better right now.

Courtesy of Our Book of Scrap

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The UAE has Too Much Money

Last week I mentioned how Chelsea sacked their manager, Jose Mourinho, for well, winning too many games. Well not so surprisingly teams are starting to come out of the woodwork to offer him jobs. The first? The United Arab Emirates, the small country in the middle east which sports one of the worst national team clubs in the world, was the first to court Jose. Just how bad are they at Soccer? In fact the United Arab Emirates is ranked 102nd in the world and has not qualified for a World Cup since 1990 which was the only time they ever qualified.

So of course Jose would laugh at this offer and tell them thanks but no thanks. If you are a winning manager you want to end up with some sort of trophy. Whether that be another major European Soccer team or coaching his home country Portugal to European and World Cup glory. However, the UAE apparently have something that doesn't involve soccer players. They have a lot of cash. They've offered Jose 20 million dollars per year to manage their soccer club. I know he's call the Special One, but I don't think he's been called a miracle worker.

Regardless it appears as if Jose will wait around for a club with more winning appeal, but 20 million dollars. Damn.

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The Cubs Organization Pull a Kay


Part of the Reason I just did the Dictionary entry was because I wanted to use it in this post and the other part is that I like the damn Dictionary and always forget to use it. Anyway the Cubs are majorly pulling a kay by printing out their world series tickets prior to even clinching their division.

Picture Courtesy of Deadspin

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Simon's Dictionary Entry: Pull a Kay

Pull a Kay [pŏŏl ey key]
-verb

1. Acting as if something is finished prior to its conclusion.
2. Sharing the ronsequences of a final outcome prior to its outcome is concluded.
3. Acting as if a Game is won before the final out, or whistle has happened.

Synonyms: Counting Your Chickens Before They've Hatched
Sentence Usage: "The game is in the fifth inning and he's already saying Kei Igawa is going to get his first win since June, why must he pull a kay."

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Breaking It Down: The Homestretch Races

Playoff Races

NL West: The Pirates accomplished the first of hopefully a 3 game sweep. Combine that with wins for the Padres and Rocks and it just might be a race. The Rocks must not lose any more ground over the next two days so they can get their hands on the Dbacks with a chance to win the division.

NL East: Of course I chime in on the Phillies and how I want them to make the playoffs and they go out and lose to the Braves. Hello Philadelphia, the Mets are trying to give you the division. The Mets can't win a game. Fire it up and win your next 5 and you should be playing in at minimum a 1 game playoff for the division. Too bad this isn't going to happen.

NL Central: The Cubbies gave one back last night but still have a 2 game lead with 5 to play and the Brewers playing host the Padres this weekend. It would be shocking if the Cubbies slipped back this weekend.

NL Wildcard: The Pads opened a 1 game lead over the Phils and Rocks last night. The Phils have to weather the storm for the next two games against the Braves if they expect to keep pace. This race could either be intriguing or the Pads could open up a 2 game lead tonight with 4 to play and the boredom can ensue.

AL: Snooze. The only thing that matters this week is whether the Indians hold off the Angels for the best record in the American League.

Award Races

AL Cy Young: This comes down to Beckett and Sabathia. CC had the lead for a bit until he struggled against the Royals and Beckett bailed out the Red Sox against the Yanks. They both pitched well in their last outings and Beckett holds a moderate edge. If either falter big time in their final starts it could lead to them giving away the award. Not surprisingly I'm pulling for the Fat Ass, who is anchoring two of my Fantasy titles and is not a Red Sox player, in comparison to Beckett who is anchoring one title and is, to take home the crown.

NL MVP: A three horse race between David Wright, Prince Fielder and Matt Holliday. Wright plays on the best team, plays the more important defensive position and is the most likely to make the playoffs. Prince hits the most bombs is the biggest presence and dropped two homers last night to help the Brewers inch back into the race. Holliday is flat out having the best season but is still somehow someway under the radar.

AL ROY: It's probably between Delmon Young and Dustin Pedroia. Delmon's got more flash but Pedroia is playing in for a division winner and not a bottom feeder. I really have no idea who's going to take it home.

NL Cy Young: Jake Peavy won it.

NL ROY: Ryan Braun won it.

AL MVP: Arod won it.

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Token Mike Missanelli Idiocy

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Just because I can't stand the guy I'm going to post so I have a note of another stupid thing he said. Yesterday the Yanks dressed up their rookies in costumes. With 4 rooks as the Wizard of Oz crew including Joba as the Cowardly Lion and of course Kei Igawa as a monkey. Basically ever team in the Big Leagues does something to haze their rookies and 100% IR has a solid post encapsulating many pictures and many ridiculous costumes.

Well instead of saying anything about this prior, especially when Clay Bucholz and other Red Sox players were wearing slutty woman pirate outfits, Missanelli goes on a rant today because the Yankees do it. Saying its completely ridiculous that Joba is dressing up like a lion and Ian Kennedy is dressed up as Dorothy. Saying that its a man's game and the Yankees are a joke. No Mike, the Yankees are actually making a joke, its harmless and funny. It loosens up the clubhouse a little bit. How about you get off of your I Hate All Things Yankee stool and actually provide some sense of sanity in your broadcast.

Additionally in typical Missanelli form he confronted every single Yankee caller who dialed up to explain to Mike that it was a simple harmless joke. Combine this with Stephen A. defending Mike to the callers saying that he is entitled to his opinion, instead of lambasting Mike for being an idiot, and you have one mind numbing unintelligent radio segment.

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Want More Final Week Drama?

If so start cheering for the Pittsburgh Pirates. As I mentioned in my last post the DBacks have a significant 3 game lead over the Padres and a 4 game lead over the Colorado Rockies. Chances are significant with a few wins by the DBacks and a loss or two by the Rockies and Padres respectively that they could lock down the division by Thursday evening.

This is where the Pittsburgh Pirates come in. The Pirates are of course miserable again this season and laid down for the Cubbies this past weekend, but now they have a chance to make the Playoff Race even more interesting. If the Pirates could win some games at home in their series against the DBacks starting today and the Rockies can gain at minimum a single game than the Rocks will entertain the Diamondbacks for a three game set with a chance to challenge for the division crown. Even better if the Pirates could somehow someway sweep the Arizona Diamondbacks we could have a 5 team cluster f*ck race the final weekend of the season.

Imagine how entertaining the final weekend could be in the NL if the Rocks, Dbacks, Padres, Mets and Phillies entered Fridays games all separated by a single game. So here's to the miserable Pirates may God be with you this week. Don't Stop Believin'.

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Give Me the Phils

Every single season it seems like the Philadelphia Phillies are the runner up to the playoffs. They start out like garbage, there are calls for the managers head and then come August and the first three weeks of September they begin to make their move. They get right into the hunt until crash the last week comes and they sputter slightly and they just miss the postseason.

Well for once can this squad play well down the stretch. If they somehow caught the Mets and shoved them out of the playoffs it would result in countless hilarious calls to local New York Stations. Yankee fans asking the Met fans if its still a Met town. Met fans calling for Randolph's head. I could be entertained for hour on end by the miserable Met fans.

Mostly the I want the Phillies in the postseason because they are actually an interesting team to watch. They play hard, their stadium results in a ton of home runs and in any inning they could explode for 10 runs. If the Phillies and Mets make the postseason than the opening series would line up [most likely] the Phils vs. the Dull D-Backs and the Mets vs. the Cubs. For me a mets vs. Cubs Wildcard Series matchup would bring life to the NL and atleast the Phils could bring some excitement to watching the no name Dbacks squad. However if the Padres make the playoffs we'll be subjected to two boring series involving NL West Teams. Snooze.

The Best Case Scenario would be for the Rockies and Phillies to have a terrific week and for the Mets and Padres to struggle mightily. Therefore getting in two offensive minded teams in the NL as well as giving me the hearty Mets laugh hours.

*Note: I'd rather the Rockie make the postseason over the Padres. Also, I wish the Dbacks wouldn't make the playoffs but they have a 3 game lead over SD (4 over Colorado) so they need an epic choke job not to make it.

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NFL Week 3 Awards

Wow You Guys Suck: St. Louis Rams, So much for the Rams having the greatest show on Turf. 3 points? 3 miserable little points. I know the Bucs probably aren't as atrocious as I and many others thought, but they still aren't good. The Rams could quickly pack in their season with a loss next weekend when Jackson will be sitting on the sidelines all game. Runners Up: Buffalo is apparently on their way to being one of the worst teams in the NFL, the Detroit DBs responsible for covering Kevin Curtis

Cough Cough Cough: Drew Brees, One year removed from being the runner up in the MVP and Brees is weekly putting up stink bombs. Multiple key turnovers in the 4th quarter eliminated any chance the Saints had of not sliding to 0-3. Runners Up: Philip Rivers is not holding up his end of the bargain, Sexy Rexy with another stinker.

This Scarecrow Needs a Brain: Joe Gibbs, Sometimes Hall of Fame Coaches do not out coach Tom Coughlin. By sometimes I mean approximately once and that once would be this weekend in the final minutes of the game. Joe if you're going to take over the play calling, get the ball in the end zone. Runner Up: DeAngelo Hall continuing to give VaTech alumni a bad name, Lovie Smith for continuing to run out the Sex Cannon as the starting QB.

The Shocker: Green Bay Packers, Once again I had the Pack at 10-6 and winning their division. However, I never thought for a second that they would beat the Chargers this weekend. I guess I'm just underestimating how much Norv Turner sucks at coaching. Runners Up: Tampa Bay moving to 2-1, Dallas 100% dominating the Bears

The Pimp: Donovan McNabb and Kevin Curtis, I went to the Yankee game this sunday so I came home and watched a DVR'd Jets game and everytime the stats popped up in the first half Curtis and McNabb had another 60+ yards and another td. They absolutely mauled the Lions and anyone who was lucky enough to start Curtis in fantasy is rejoicing. Runners Up: The Pats their whole f*ckin team, Brett Favre another turn back the clock performance.

You Got JAKKED UP: Chris Brown, Cause I DVR'd and watched only really the jets game and the monday night game I didn't catch many big hits. But Chris Brown got crushed last night on a dump off pass by Scott Fajita.

My Anti-Fantasy MVP: Larry Fitzgerald, I went 0-2 this week so I will divulge my anti MVP in the weeks that I perform miserably. This week the culprit is Larry Fitzgerald who apparently sucks balls. He has done nothing special this entire season. What the heck happened to him?

New York Jets MVP: Chad Pennington, For all those ass bag Jet fans out there who cheered for Clemens when he rushed on the field, Chad has played two games this season and in both games he's been the best Jet player on the field. No questions asked.

My Picks

My Picks: 10-6
Preseason Picks: 10-6
Picks Vs. Spread: 10-6

It's typically a rarity when you have the same record picking the winners as you do picking against the spread. But I won a decent amount of games where I picked the the underdog to cover and still lose and it happened. And a few games where the favorite lost the game but I picked the Underdog with the points, like the Saints Titans last night.

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And Now the Igawa Signing Makes Sense


Hoorah for Kei Igawa as a Flying Monkey. Let us all enjoy Kei Igawa for the second time this season with a rousing laugh at how stupid he looks. I personally would have dressed him as a Beaver but the Monkey definitely works as well.

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Poor Poor Monopoly

Monday, September 24, 2007


This will probably be down by the morning, but its too good to not post for at least a little bit. I don't think I've seen something this apropos in a long time.

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Lou Holtz Can't Lead PSU to a V



"...Remember this they're unarmed." You are in Michigan Lou, they do have a lot of rifles up there. I wouldn't necessarily say that for sure.

"The Difference between Michigan and Us, we expect to win." Yep Lou, they had beaten Penn St. 8 times in a row of course they don't expect to win.

"They probably do a crossword puzzle with a pen cause they think they never made a mistake. They made a mistake when they scheduled Penn St." Those arrogant Michigan Wolverines being in the Big 10 and everything and having to play Penn St. I bet they did the schedule in Pen and everything.

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NCAA Week 4 Power Rankings

Remember this is all about Quality Wins so beating Notre Dame might give you additional hype but it won't land you on this poll.

1. Louisiana State - Another quality opponen1 for the Tigers and another easy victory. They toyed with the Gamecocks by giving up the first touchdown and then laid the hammer down and let them score a few points in the last quarter. Who knew Les Miles could be so creative with the sweet Fake Field Goal which had the Ole Ball Coach laughing on the sidelines. Quality Wins: VaTech, South Carolina

2. Oregon - Oregon is making the leap up one spot. Why because Michigan is going to win their next 5 games after shutting down PSU this weekend and Houston hasn't lost a game since their opener to the Ducks. Sure the Ducks faltered a bit this weekend but they still tooled on Stanford in the second half and scored another 50+. Quality Wins: Houston, @Michigan

3. Oklahoma - Oklahoma got a nice boost this weekend from the fact that Miami laid the wood down on Big 12 rival Texas A&M. If you use the transitive score property the Oklahoma A&M score should be a lot to a very little in favor of the Sooners. Quality Wins: Miami

4. Kentucky - Unfortunately for the Wildcats, Louisville had to spit the bit this weekend else they could be contending for the #1 spot on this poll. Quality Wins: Louisville, @Arkansas

5. Southern Cal - The Trojans dropped really at no fault of their own but rather because the Nebraska win lost a lot of its luster after the Huskers nearly lost to a Ball St. Once USC gets into the heart of their Pac 10 schedule they will jump back to the top. Quality Wins: @Nebraska

6. Clemson - The Tigers jump up a few spots from the realization that perhaps Florida State is the best win any ACC team has right now. The Tigers since have plowed through their weak schedule. Quality Wins: FSU

7. Florida - Florida way to scare your team a bit against Ole Miss. It's not really a big deal and is ignored in these rankings, but still how about you don't make games like that so close. Florida falls a spot cause I decided that FSU was a better win than Tennessee. Quality Wins: Tennessee

8. California - Since their week 1 victory over the Volunteers Cal has sat and played no one. This changes next week and will result in a little shakeup of the Power Rankings when they square off against Oregon in Eugene. Quality Wins: Tennessee

9. South Carolina - There is no disgrace in losing to arguably the #1 team in the country on their home turf. Additionally the UGA win looks better after UGA knocked of the Tide in Bama. Quality Wins: @UGA

10. Georgia - I'll let Georgia in the mix despite their home loss against the GameCocks which could be mildly contrued as a home loss. The win against the Crimson Tide was a quality one and the Oklahoma St. opening victory gained a little bit of steam after they beat Texas Tech this week despite losing to Troy the prior week. So we'll just leave one quality win in the bank for UGA and maybe one pending. Quality Wins: @Alabama

11. Arizona St. - Again the final spots have been difficult to lay out the past few weeks. BC looks great but GT lost to UVA this weekend. Ohio St. could have pushed for entrance but Washington lost to UCLA. In the end I settled on ASU who have marginal Quality Wins against Oregon St. and Colorado. We'll put down the Beaver win as the good one. Quality Wins: OSU

Dropped Out: Alabama drops out after their OT loss to UGA who jumps in, BC whose quality win shrunk due to GT losing to a team coached by Al Groh.

Previous Weeks: 1, 2, 3

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College Football Picture Caption

1. "So Mike, just to let you know I'm going to try to keep my job so you're gonna get 40 carries a game."
2. "Nothing like facing Joe Pa to make me look less senile."
3. "Thank the good lord, back to the Big 10 where we don't believe in having athletic quarterbacks that can torch our defense."



1. "I was going to propose two weeks ago after we beat Southern Florida, but we lost..."
2. "I was definitely going to propose last week after Miss St. but we lost."
3. "I thought about not proposing today because of that hideous dress but I have no idea when we will win another home game, so will you marry me."

1. "I'd like to thank Jesus for giving me legs. Without them none of this would be possible."
2. "I'd like to thank Jesus for allowing the Washington Huskies to be coached by Tyrone Willingham thus allowing me to run this kick back and praise Jesus."
3. "If Jesus really loved me I'd be playing at USC."


1. "Who took a dump on my head?"
2. "The black patch makes me look like a wildcat in the safari."
3. "I know I didn't play this weekend but it was Charlston Southern, can we just say I threw for 450 and 5 tds for my Heisman campaign?"






1. "Ooh Donna save it for later..."
2. "Your so much more handsome than Dumbo Larry."
3. "Actually our Defensive Tackles like Old Woman more than I do."






1. "I can't see that far, but did both of our defenders just fall down yet again?"
2. "That was tough, or not."
3. "I won't even have to wash my uniform after the game."



1. "Must we play in the Big 10? How about a few more games against Northeastern."
2. "If I recover this fumble maybe we will lose by less than 80."
3. "Atleast this is less embarrassing than losing to Duke."



1. "No sh*t. We actually can score offensive touchdowns. Who knew."
2. "Touchdown Jesus lives..."
3. [Photo Actually Taken from 2005 season]





1. "This is how you toe touch boys."
2. "I stomp on your stupid Stanford education."
3. "You see the seem work on the groin of these pants. Ya Nike knows how to make those Asians work."







1. "We just saved your job for another day."
2. "Can we bring back Patrino?"
3. "So much for the Heisman."


The End

Posted by Simon at 10:00 AM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

Privacy Policy

Sunday, September 23, 2007

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Posted by Simon at 9:18 AM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

Friday Video Blowout

Friday, September 21, 2007

I think I'm set in my ways to make this a weekly spot. Everyone needs something to keep them occupied on Friday afternoons so the Friday Video Blowout is born.

Videos in Order Courtesy of 100% Injury Rate, Japan Probe, More 100%Injury Rate, Fanhouse, Who Ate All the Pies, More Who Ate All the Pies, MGoBlog



Rock Paper Scissors is better with Pain.



Refs should always watch for those hooks.



Them Japanese are just such innovators.



Concussions are no big Deal, I mean who cares if your vomiting right before the snap.



Soccer Brawls are hilarious. I love the running push to the head, and all of the attempted jump kicks.



How the hell do you do this?



ND Should work on their pass protection.

Posted by Simon at 12:55 PM 2 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

The 900 Pound Question

I understand how people get fat. You eat crappy food and you lay around, it’s easy. What I don’t understand is how you get so fat that emergency workers have to cut a giant hole in the wall of your home, haul you out with an elevated forklift and then cart you to the hospital on a flatbed truck. I was pretty overweight for a while, and I can see how it happens to people. Now apparently this guy has some disease that compels him to eat because he always feels hungry, but not all of these half-ton folks in the news have that disease. So my question is, how in the world do you let yourself get that huge? I’ve compiled a list of warning signs that you might be getting a little on the heavy side here, some from my own experience.

1. Can’t bend over to pull socks on/tie your shoes; I recommend throwing your foot up on a knee, much more easy than bending over.

2. Can knit a sweater with the amount of lint that your belly button produces

3. Can’t see your junk; Not as much of a problem for the ladies, but still, not good.

4. Can’t walk up a flight of stairs without an oxygen tank

5. Can’t walk through doorways; At this point you should be saying to yourself, “Wow, they sure don’t make doorways as wide as they used to.”

6. Can no longer get up to get yourself food; When family and friends have to bring you food, perhaps it’s time for a lifestyle change.

7. Going to the hospital requires a sawsall, among other power tool, heavy lifting equipment and a truck typically reserved for hauling automobiles.


I’ve got sympathy for fat people, really, I do, but if you are experiencing any of these symptoms, get off your ass and do something. Go for a walk, hit the gym, rub one out standing up, whatever floats your boat, just do it.

Posted by Papa Bear at 11:40 AM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

Off Topic: Canada > US, What the F*ck

Everyone bashes Bush for different things, mostly his mishandling of the war. You know what Bush has fucked up? The damn economy. The US dollar is worth about as much as a pile of dog shit. It rots by the day and lowers in value. Getting a paycheck now is like buying a new car, the second you get it it's already decreased in value.

I went to London in 2002 and traveled around Europe a bit and the exchange rates were already a collective kick in the nuts. They were rising daily and while I was over their the Euro surpassed the dollar in value for the first time. It was just slightly over so I would lose about 5 or so cents per dollar transfer to Euro. The pound was worth $1.57 so that was also a kick in the groin. Now? It's not even fucking close. The pound is worth 2 dollars and the Euro is worth $1.40 so you better saddle yourself up at the cheapest hostel if you plan on not drowning your bank account on a European Vacation.

At the end of 2002 the US Dollar was worth $1.57 Canadian. Now? They have drawn equal. So much for a cheap trip to Montreal. Remember all those times someone gave you back a Canadian coin instead of an American coin and you were annoyed? Well now the Canadian coin is worth fucking more money. How the hell does no one think this is the worst part of the Bush administration? Our dollar is worth nothing? The lower it slips the less people will want to invest in our country and the harder and harder it will be to afford to travel outside of the country. And I enjoy traveling. Fuck.

Can we get someone in the Whitehouse that thinks the Economy is important. Bring back Broadway Bill.

I guess on the brightside if it continues at this rate we may be able to bring all of our manufacturing back to the States cause our dollar will be worth such shit that it won't matter anymore.

Note: This is probably the only time I will ever or have ever discussed politics in my life. I just can't fucking believe that Canadian money is worth more than American money. What a joke.

Posted by Simon at 10:27 AM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

NFL Week 3 Pick Suggestions


5. Dallas Cowboys (+3 1/2) at Chicago Bears
The Bears offense is so shitty. It just might be worse this season than last year. If the Bears do win this game they'll most likely not do so by more than a field goal, so I'll lay it on the line and take Homo and his boys.

4. New York Jets (-3 1/2) vs. Miami Dolphins
Yes this is a homer pick, I know, but the Dolphins suck. They have no offense whatsoever and their defense is getting torched on the ground. The Jets are going to win this game by more then a field goal regardless of whether Clemens or Pennington plays QB.

3. San Diego Chargers (-4 1/2) at Green Bay Packers
I probably had the Packers with a better record then just about anybody in america in the preseason. I had them winning their division and going 10-6 so if anybody was going to pick them to cover against the Chargers it would probably be me. But their playing the Chargers, do not take a beat down of the Giants and a Chargers beatdown in New England as a sign that the Packers can compete with one of the AFC's best.

2. St. Louis (+3 1/2) at Tampa Bay
I personally am not going to take a big Tampa Bay victory as a sign that they are any good. At some point in time this season Jackson is going to start looking less like a complete fantasy bust and more like the commercial of him tooling on entire defenses.

1. Carolina Panthers (-3 1/2) at Atlanta Falcons
Yes the Falcons are proving that they are amongst the most offensively inept teams in football. Granted the Panthers aren't that good, but it's a big time division matchup and Steve Smith should be able to score more points than the Falcons by himself.

Survivor League Pick: New England

Some people may want to save New England for a later week and play a little riskier so that they have the advantage down the stretch. Well after the first two weeks with people droppin out like flies. I am taking no chances, give me Superman.

Non-Spread Picks

Posted by Simon at 10:00 AM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

Weekly Waste of Oxygen

There are some characters in this weeks waste of oxygen. Here are your contestants:

1. Teri Rhodes - When a volleyball player gets kills its typically a good thing. Not when it is regarding killing your newborn baby in the shower with a plastic bag via suffocation. Talk about scum.

2. Oscar De La Hoya - I don't know if these photos are fake but they certainly looked real to me and if they are real well Oscar might be a little bit gay. Or he might owe the mafia some money. Either way I wouldn't do the whole fish net drag thing again anytime soon.

3. Donovan McNabb - One day perhaps we will beyond this everything is a black white issue. Quarterbacks get criticized Donovan, that's how it works. And people get booed in Philadelphia. You know what probably could have saved you from criticism this week? Completing that wide open crossing route on 3rd down on monday night.

4. Charles Keith Turn - They may say he died of a heart attack now instead of just from a head butt from a cripple. But I'm sure the head butt helped induce the heart attack. Either way, the dude had no arms and was a greeting card artist, how do you get headbutted?

Get Your Vote On

Last Weeks Winner:
Bill Belichick




Posted by Simon at 9:24 AM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

The Big 5 College Football Games of the Weekend

Thursday, September 20, 2007


5. Texas A&M Aggies at Miami Hurricanes
Let's see if the Aggies will be a contender in the Big 12 this season. In the Hurricanes previous Big 12 showdown they got pummeled mercilessly by the Sooners. Can the Aggies follow suit? The Pick: I'm Stupidly Going to Pick the Hurricanes Again

4. Kentucky Wildcats at Arkansas Razorbacks
A week after Kentucky's biggest victory in recent memory the Wildcats are ranked and delving into their SEC schedule. A trip to a hungry and bitter Razorback squad coming off their loss to Saban's boys in Bama will be very tough. The Pick: Razorbacks Roll

3. Georgia Bulldogs at Alabama Crimson Tide
The Big SEC games roll at you every single week. Nick Saban knows this and I'm sure he tempered his teams excitement immediately following their dramatic win over the Razorbacks. For the Bulldogs this is pretty much their season, if they lose another SEC game they can kiss their division goodbye. The Gators aren't going to lose mThe Pick: Never Doubt Nick Saban

2. Penn St. Nittany Lions at Michigan Wolverines
And so the Big 10 season begins and what has the start of this season showed the Nation about the Big 10? It sucks. It sucks a lot. No one beats anyone in the Big 10. Penn St. is ranked in the top 10 and they gave up points and a lot of them to Buffalo. Buffalo sucks. Michigan got rolled in their first two games. The rest of the conference hasn't shown anything either. Here's why Michigan is looking forward to the Big 10 season. Limited amount of Mobile Quarterbacks to tear them up. Anthony Morelli isn't one of them. The Pick: Michigan Shows How Much the Big 10 Sucks by Beating the Conferences "Best" Team

1. South Carolina GameCocks at Louisiana State Tigers
I'm looking forward to the Ole Ball Coach lining up against Les Miles. The Tigers have more talent, especially on defense, but the Ole Ball Coach is well a much better ball coach. Somehow someway the Spurrier seems to find a way to put points on the board, but there is still whole most dominant defense in college football thing. One thing I know for certain is that I will be rooting for the GameCocks to pull one out in the Bayou. The Pick: LSU's defense proves to be too much which will be annoying

Posted by Simon at 4:29 PM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

Stephen A. Knows His Baseball

The only portion of the Stephen A Smith and Mike Missanelli show I enjoy is the White Man quiz. Every so often Mike Missanelli will test Stephen A's knowledge of the White World, which is minuscule to say the very least. Today he asked Stephen A to guess whom was white and whom was black out of these baseball players:

Dave Roberts
Khalil Green
Matt Kemp
Garret Atkins
Conor Jackson

Stephen A immediately responded with a chuckle and a he's definitely black after Khalil Green's name was mentioned. In the end he also said Garret Atkins was black. So 1 for 5 in a 50/50 challenge. Stephen A Knows his baseball. The nation awaits your baseball wisdom.

Posted by Simon at 3:30 PM 2 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

Interesting Fantasy Draft

So today I got an email from ESPN saying you haven't drafted you Prize Eligible team yet. I had to think about what the hell that meant for a second and then realized that I got a Prize Eligible team cause their site shit the bed last year. The email came with this following note:

This is the only means to draft your team for the 2007 season. All teams will have their stats retroactively run for the first two weeks of the season based upon your drafted starting lineup. This retro process will run after your Live draft completed so you'll know if your team is 2-0, 1-1 or 0-2 immediately (draft wisely!).

Hmm, how to draft a team when you know that you could win games in earlier weeks retroactively. Do you attempt to solidify wins in the first two weeks? Or do you try to draft people that will obviously slip since they performed so poorly in the opening weeks, like Larry Johnson. I went for trying to win the opening two weeks with the thinking that if I can get 2 wins right off the bat then I am that much closer to the playoffs. So I overrated a few players with solid opening weeks, like Jamal Lewis.

And well I'm 2-0 with the second most points in the League with a Starting Roster of Romo, Gore, Jamal Lewis, Chris Brown, Laveraneus Coles, Chad Johnson, Benjamin Watson, Green Bay D and Jason Hanson. Let's see if the team doesn't collapse in the coming weeks.

Posted by Simon at 3:16 PM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

Shea > The Stadium for a Day

Apparently there are preliminary schedules for the 2008 season which has been dug up by the Fanhouse. They have the Yankees finishing up the season in Boston, aka not finishing up the season in New York in Yankee Stadium. Instead the Mets will play their last home game of the season in Shea which is also set to be imploded come 2009. I have two points on this:

1) I don't particularly care if the Yanks play their last home game of the season at home. It shouldn't be the last game ever played at Yankee Stadium because they should be in the playoffs. If they're not in the playoffs then really whats the difference? It will be disappointing that the Stadium is done whether its the last Sunday of September or the 2nd to last Sunday.

2) Meanwhile the cross town Mets will be a little more questionable for the playoffs next season. Glavine, El Duque and Pedro will all be another year older. Who knows if Glavine even comes back. Lo Duca is a free agent, Delgado could regress even more. Who will they play in rightfield. I'm not saying they won't make the playoffs but their likelihood of missing out is higher than the Yanks. Maybe if they don't make the playoffs they can implode the stadium right after the game. It could be like an additional reason to go to the game. Take your seat home day. Or one lucky fan wins the home run apple.

So in essence this news is well, pretty meaningless.

Posted by Simon at 1:03 PM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

Think American Coaches Have it Hard, Look at Europe

Early today in Great Britain Chelsea Manager Jose Mourinho left by 'mutual consent', which means someone told him to get the hell out of Stamford Bridge. In his 3+ seasons with the Blues from London he has lead the club to 2 Premiership Titles and a 2nd place finish last season. The last time Chelsea won the Premiership title prior? The 1954-55 season, which just so happens to have been Chelsea's only First Division title in their history. So in a three year period he tripled their amount of titles. In addition he won the FA Cup once which they had only one three times before as well as the League Cup twice, matching their previous two trophies. Granted some of their success is due to them being bought by Billionaire Russian Roman Abromovich who burst open his piggy bank, but still success is success.

So what got him fired? An owner who makes George Steinbrenner in his angry hey day look mild in comparison. Abromivich wanted a Champions League Trophy, signifying the best team in all of Europe. Mourinho and Chelsea failed to deliver in the three years, with two Semifinal losses to Liverpool, one on Penalty Kicks and one they got screwed on, as well as an additional loss to Barca who went on to win the title. Additionally Chelsea got off to a mediocre start this season. They sit tied for 4th in the league after 6 games and they managed only a draw in their first Champions League match versus a weaker opponent. Additionally Chelsea was a defensive force and won most games an unexciting 1-0 or 2-0, and well Abromivich apparently wants to win in style. Furthermore, Abromovich insisted on spending big and bringing in superstars like German Michael Ballack and Ukranian Andriy Schevchenko instead of allowing Jose to mold the team to his desire. Neither international star has flourished at all at the Bridge.

It all makes no sense to me. The man is far and away the winningest coach in Chelsea history. He won 2 of 3 Premiership titles, and finished second the following year. He was unlucky in some of his Champions League matches but overall he is amongst the best managers in the world. And yet he still was canned. He obviously knows more football than Abromovich and should have always had control of their transfers. Maybe if they had given him control in the past they wouldn't have been bounced by Liverpool in the Semifinals last year and would have come away with last seasons Premiership Crown.

This firing certainly makes it more difficult to root for Chelsea despite the fact I picked them up as my team when I lived in London in 2002 and they have been the only club I have ever rooted for. I just don't get it, it makes little to no sense to me and I fully expect Chelsea to have a worse than average season as a result.

Posted by Simon at 11:11 AM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

Tirico Getting a 1 Hour Timeslot in NYC

Considering the ESPN radio that I can and do listen to every week is ESPN's 1050 radio that's the only scheduling I really care about. So when ESPN gave Mike Tirico a 2 hour time slot from 1-3 and Stephen A the 3-4 timeslot I wondered what the kind of shakeup their would be on my radio dial since Stephen A. had previously spit out nonsense from 12-2. Well the execs of NYC have moved Stephen A's two hour timeslot to 2-4, which includes his national hour, extended Max Kellerman's show an extra hour from 10-1 and will broadcast Tirico's show for a sole hour from 2-3. Talk about a non impact signing in New York.

I can only imagine that Tirico would have required to be either the highest paid per hour at a radio station or just behind the Mike's in the Morning. So why the insignificant one hour time slot in New York. Why is Stephen A so damn important? Do they actually listen to his show? It's horrible. It makes your ears bleed.

I do see benefit here for myself though. Personally Max Kellerman, the former Around the Horn host and Boxing Guru, has grown on me a lot since 1050 used him to replace Colin Cowherd at the 10-12 slot. He does a lot of weird shit that I tend to enjoy like the Killer Animal Tournament, and he's also the biggest biased Yankee fan on New York Talk Radio. So I'm glad he's on for an extra hour. I just find it odd how ESPN is going to spend a boatload of money for Mike Tirico and only use him for a single hour in their largest market.

Posted by Simon at 8:56 AM 0 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

An Easy Rebuttal for Marc Ecko

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


If you haven't been a part of the loop this past week, Barry Bond's 756th home run ball was bought by fashion designer Marc Ecko. Ecko as in the Hip Hop Clothing brand. After Ecko's purchase of the ball he designed the website vote756.com where you can place your word as to what happens to the ball. Personally I voted that an asterisk could be placed on the ball and then given to the hall of fame. I would find that moderately humorous.

Well yesterday Barry Bonds came out and expressed his opinion. Not so surprisingly he feels that Marc Ecko is a moron for spending $750,000+ on a ball which he is obviously not going to keep.

Let me offer an Easy Rubuttal for Marc:

"Hey Barry how about you shut the f*ck up. You realize that my company had 1 Billion Dollars worth of Sales last year right? That's with a B. It's my company. I have more money than you have ever dreamed of. Probably cause I don't waste the majority of my money on steroids. You realize that this is something I just felt like doing for the hell out of it, while getting a decent amount of 'free' Advertisement as well.

What is 750 thousand any way? Maybe one less Rhino Sculpture I can put in the f*cking castle I am building on my property in Jersey. Yes I live in a Massive F*cking Castle. I rule. I am a Jewish hip hop mogul living in the Suburbs, and people still love the sh*t I put out. I am a f*cking Genius. I can do whatever the f*ck I want. So go eat a d*ck Barry. I hope you have some dork software hack friends who can try to get past my security system and vote enough for the ball to go to the hall asterisk free. Else I will enjoy your ridicule when you get inducted into the hall and your ball lies next to your bust with a massive asterisk. Enjoy the rest of your life assh*le.

Oh and by the way wait until ABC, CBS or NBC pays me boatloads of money for exclusive footage of sending the ball into space or branding it."

Personally I think one of the options should have been to encase it in a Urinal in the Hall of Fame so everyone could piss on it everytime they entered Cooperstown. But I guess that's just me and liking to urinate on things.

Posted by Simon at 3:17 PM 7 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

Wait Until the Nation Meets Mikey Miss

The news broke earlier this week that Stephen A. Smith would be hosting a national radio show for a single hour on ESPN Radio. Pretty much everywhere on the Web people thought to themselves, what the hell? Why in the world are they giving loud mouthed Stephen A. Smith an hour gig?

I'm here to tell you Non Tri State Area residents that it is in fact worse than you first thought. For some reason ESPN gave the go ahead for dragging Stephen A.'s incredibly annoying sidekick nationally as well.

An easy sum up of Mike Missanelli is that he is a White Italian version of Stephen A. Smith. He's loud, he's obnoxious, he likes to pick fights and cut off callers. He refuses to admit that his point is ever wrong. The combination of the two on 1050 ESPN radio in New York is borderline downright unlistenable. During his tenure on 1050 Missanelli has made it a point to piss off every single Yankee fan and get into arguments with every Yankee fan caller. There are a lot of Yankee fan callers during the summer in New York.

In addition Missanelli has brought up some some absolutely brain dead opinions during his tenure. One of these was that he lambasted Tom Brady for wanting to witness the birth of his son. As a die-hard Jet fan, I hate Brady with as much passion as just about anybody. And yet somehow there is a valid argument against a man wanting to witness his child's birth, regardless as to whether he is still with that woman.

So nation if you thought it was bad enough that Stephen A. Smith is going to wind up on your local ESPN Radio Dials, just wait until the actual show is on. Somehow someway you will find it even louder, more obnoxious and more annoying then you were expecting.

Posted by Simon at 1:58 PM 3 comments Links to this post   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!
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