This weekend I turned on Sportscenter on saturday and sunday and what did I find? Well immense coverage of NASCAR and storylines that went for 20 minutes at a time. I wanted to punch myself in the face repeatedly. ESPN has NASCAR now oh great why don't they just subject me to countless hours of NASCAR coverage on sportscenter so I could thusly hate Sportscenter like it seems the rest of the world does. Can't they just have their 2 hour NASCAR now shows on ESPN 2 that way I know not to tune in?

Well the funniest part of it all is that NASCAR fans can't stand ESPN covering NASCAR. So lets get this straight, NASCAR fans hate ESPN covering NASCAR and general sports fans like myself hate ESPN covering NASCAR, isn't that classic. Oh and now even Tony Stewart who won the Brickyard 400 this weekend says ESPN's coverage sucks.

Can't we get the damn races on the SPEED Network or something? Atleast the Onion did a solid job of making fun of how NASCAR is simply taking left hand turns.



Oh and furthermore ESPN apparently thinks the biggest moment in NASCAR history is Dale Earnhardt dieing. Talk about Morbid.

So chances are you have zero idea who Alvaro Espinoza is, I mean he wasn't exactly a top notch baseball player ever in his career. However, he was the starting Shortstop for the Yankees from 89-91 when they absolutely sucked (212-273).

Anyway my little cousin asked me who my favorite Yankee was growing up and I jokingly said Espinoza, why well because I don't remember him ever getting base hits and his name epitomized the Yankees during their suckitude. So of course I than google searched him and came across this image which is owe so classic. The massive glasses where each lens is about the size of his entire cheek plus the perfect mustache with absence of hair directly below the nostrils.

This mustache is so classic that I felt compelled to put a write in vote for Alvaro at the Greatest Sports Mustache site. So the question is, who wants an Espinoza Mustache Ride?

Get on the Roids or Blood Doping Conor and perhaps you will soon enough be able to compete in France. Until then I would work on keeping the handlebars on the bike.

"He has A.D.D." What a classic excuse after blatant douche baggery.

First off, I just want to preface a few of my biases. 1) I hate Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers and 90% of the stuff they do pisses me off. 2) Al Jefferson has been my favorite Celtic since his rookie season and he's the only sports jersey I have bought since I got a Michigan jersey during the title run in 1997. Ok now that I have stated my biases lets vent.

This deal sucks. No doubt in my mind that this deal is the wrong deal for this franchise and essentially leaves the team with three aging once superstars and nothing else. Thus only looking like a contender when they flat out aren't one.

KG What Changed Your Mind

Can we not ignore the fact that only two months ago Garnett wanted absolutely nothing to do with Boston? This deal was set months ago but KG didn't want to deal with the wintry weather. He vetoed the deal, aka gave Boston a big middle finger, why should we ignore this fact, I certainly refuse to.

So what changed your mind KG? Did Ray Allen change your mind? The addition of a 32 year old who has had less playoff success than yourself really changed your mind? Or did you just come to the realization that Boston was the only other option than Minnesota? Was it that Phoenix just wasn't going to happen and that if you wanted to get out of the shit factory which is the Timberwolves franchise and actually make the playoffs next year you were going to have to succumb and agree to head to the Northeast? Maybe it was Allen, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the latter reason had a very large part in your decision.

I'm sure the 125 million dollar 5 year extension plus the extra 6.75 million dollar trade kicker didn't hurt the decision much.

Big Al vs. KG

I'm not going to make the case that Jefferson is as good as KG, I'm not that biased but let's look at essentially the difference between the two last season and for the future.

First lets state the biggest advantages of getting KG and slotting him into the roster instead of Big Al. There are three primary reasons why he will be a better player over the next few seasons. First off, Big Al is not a good defensive player at this stage of his life he needs to work on his footwork and man on man defense and his propensity to pick up stupid fouls. KG is a big time upgrade in this category. Secondly KG is a much better passer, Big Al was slowly improving his passing skills the second half of the season but KG has the ability to average 5 assists per game. Finally KG will supply a better veteran presence and should meld well with Pierce and the newly acquired Ray Allen.

Ok and now onto the Big Al point of view. Over the Entire Season Big Al averaged 16 and 11, but that doesn't really state the entire argument. Post all star break Big Al averaged 20 points and 11 rebounds. KG's averages last year? 22.4 points 12.8 rebounds. And while you may say that he was the focal point and that he experienced double teams every time he touched the ball, then apparently you didn't watch much of the Celtics last year. Big Al was the only person in the low post that could score, he often faced the same double teams. And he put up basically 20 a game with almost 3 less shots per game.

One major difference between Big Al and KG's scoring is the fact that as his age has increased KG has become much more of a finesse, jump shooting, big man and much less of a low block, post up force whereas Big Al does almost all of his scoring on the low block. Another major difference, well age obviously. Big Al is 22 and could potentially get better whereas KG is 31 and probably has seen his best years pass him by. Could Jefferson potentially become a 25 point 12 rebound per game guy in 08-09? Sure, I can see it. Will KG average 25 and 12 per game in 08-09? Almost certainly not. In fact KG for all his glory has never averaged 25 points per game. His numbers peaked in 03-04 when he averaged 24.2 and 13.9. Throw in the fact that KG will be signing a 5 year 125 million dollar extension therefore locking him up at 25 mill until he's 36 and trading Big Al for KG straight up could be seriously questioned.

6 For 1 is Typically a Bad Thing

Here's the main problem with this deal, in addition to giving up Jefferson which intensely pains me, the Celtics are giving up all of their chips. They give up the expiring contracts of Ratliff and Telfair, they give up Green who is the only other player on the roster to potentially become a 20 per game scorer, they give up Gomes, a potentially valuable backup and they give up a 1st round pick. Essentially they are trading 6 pieces for an additional 3 points 2 rebounds 2 assists and better post defense from their power forward and a very a bloated contract.

The Franchise in the Near Future

So where does this leave them? People are saying that now they should be able to contend wih in the crappy Eastern Conference and maybe that will be the case but color me very skeptical. Surely the Celtics would have one of the most talented cores in the entire shitty conference, their Big '3' would surpass the Nets Kidd, Jefferson, Carter trio, however the remainder of their roster is putrid.

Their starting point guard would be Rajon Rondo who for the most part is too green to be the starting point guard of a championship contender. His jump shot needs work, and hell, he committed a lot of turnovers in the summer league. Their starting center would probably be Kendrick Perkins, who makes Tony "Brickhands" Battie look like he has Hakeem Olajuwon like touch. Compare that with the Nets other two starters Nenad Krstic and Jamaal Magloire and it isn't even a close who wins that battle.

Their bench? Well thats just terrible and consists of only one veteran and who happens to suck (Brian Scalabrine), one guy coming off major knee surgery (Tony Allen), and a ton of youth including Big Baby, Leon Powe, Gabe Pruitt, and Brandon Wallace. So who's contributing on this teams bench? My guess is no one.

So do you honestly think three past their prime stars can single handedly carry a franchise to a NBA title? I don't. At best I see a finals appearance in the next two years, and maybe thats good enough for some fans but I'm of the championship or bust mentality.

Franchise in the Distant Future

Well not that distant think 4 to 5 years and beyond. They will still have Paul and KG on their roster and incredibly bloated salaries for players that are well past their primes. And since they should expect to make the playoffs in the next few seasons and have traded away all of their potential burgeoning stars they will have nothing to look forward to. Perhaps in years 4 and 5 with KG the Celtics will still be good enough to make the playoffs but that just means come years 6 and 7 when KG is gone they will immediately revert to being the worst franchise in the NBA.

The bloated contracts of KG, Pierce and Allen give them no financial wiggle room, it will lead to garnering no solid draft picks and they essentially are guaranteed to be in the tank starting with the 2012-2013 season. I understand this is far down the road, and perhaps you are of the mindset that you should only care about winning now, but if the roster isn't good enough to win a title now, which I don't think it will be, then the Celtics are essentially solidifying the fact that they won't add any more banners until I'm in my mid to upper 30s at the earliest.

The Worst Part About this Deal

What's the worst part about this deal? Unless there are mass injuries there is no way the Celtics won't make the playoffs in the next few seasons, almost insuring that the incompetent duo of Doc Rivers and Danny Ainge will remain the brain trust. First off, their track record the past few seasons has been far from impeccable, Rivers doesn't have a solid record and Ainge has made some very poor trades, see Brandon Roy for Telfair package.

But here's the part that kills me, ever since they drafted Big Al they have essentially had it out for him and for that I blame Doc Rivers. When Big Al was a rookie he was still the Celtics best low post scorer yet Doc never gave him consistent minutes. Just look at his gamelog for his rookie season one game Big Al scored 19 points in 18 minutes the next game he played 8 minutes? He would get a few double digit minute games in a row and then there would be a token single digit minute game. The next season was much of the same and last year it took him over a month to be thrust into the starting lineup and injuries forced him to play Big Al a ton of minutes.

However its evident that Doc just doesn't like Big Al that much. He came out in the press and said that the Celtics fans were overstating Big Al's ability. In addition Danny Ainge has floated Big Al's name out in almost every trade scenario for the past two seasons. Why would you constantly include your best young player in every single trade offer? Why are you that set on getting rid of the guy and at the very least shattering any faith he has in your franchise.

Conclusion

This has been my longest rant ever at SimonOnSports and I guess it's simply built up hatred for Danny and Doc and their overwhelming desire to trade my favorite Celtic along with every other chip of value for a 31 year old aging superstar that they are going to incredibly overpay. One that I've never been that fond of. I don't think the deal is the right move, I don't think they will win a championship and even worse I think it means I'll have to see those two asses roaming the sidelines for the foreseeable future. Damnit, this sucks.

Correction doing a Sheffield is more like calling Latin players conformists, or Jeter for being half n' half, or the most recent calling Bud Selig a Grandstander. Perhaps the Tigers should invest in a muzzle.

Courtesy of Epic Carnival

Steve Phillips first draft pick ever as the General Manager of the Mets? Jason Tyner, who hit his first home run of his entire career this weekend after only needing 1,220 at bats.

"I'm excited," Tyner said after the win. "Every time I hit one really well, it was like the wind was blowing in or it was at the Metrodome, where I don't really have a chance. It did seem like I never was going to hit one."

Woah is there a hint of Sergio Garcia esque excuses there from Tyner? I think so.

Um, dudes a snap is a snap. He doesn't necessarily need to say hike or hut. Poor kids, they're brains are only as developed as that Japanese High School Catcher.

Update: Apparently its a phenomenon.

So I don't really have any idea how this works, or why this would say that this here website was worth 37 grand. Probably some weird ass calculations that are completely invalid, however if someone truly thinks this here site is worth 37 grand, I can be bought, ha.

Saw this at AA from the 26th Man.

It happens every day somewhere. You know it when you hear it. So and so hasn't done something and then bam it happens almost immediately. John Doe hasn't missed a field goal within 30 yards in 10 years, shank wide left.

Well this always ticks me off so I think I'm going to put a running tab on some of the more notable broadcaster jinxes that I hear starting with one that bothered me yesterday.

Jeremy Bonderman's ESPN Radio Jinx

So I'm driving along in the car to my girlfriend's place listening to the pregame of ESPN's Sunday night broadcast on the radio with Dan Schulman and Soup Campbell. They begin discussing how the Tigers' pitching had been whacked around mercilessly by the Angels this weekend and how they were desperate for a quality start and some innings to save themselves from once again using their bullpen for a lot of innings.

Then Schulman brings up a stat and immediately I think to myself, oh god Bonderman is f'd tonight. He says "Good thing for the Tigers that Bonderman is on the hill tonight, he has gone at least 5 innings in every single start this season." And immediately I think to myself, "Oh God, he hasn't been pummeled yet this season, here it comes because of that exact statement. So I get to my girlfriend's apartment, throw on the game and there he is in the first inning sucking it up. He's given up 4 runs already, and I think to myself, super, but at least he got through the inning. Then I change the channel and come back a bit later and the scoreboard reads 12 runs for the Angels in the 4th inning and where's Bonderman? Well not on the mound of course.

His final line read: 2.1 Innings, 4 Ks, 9 Hits, 3 BBs, 10 Runs, 2 WPs 38.57 ERA

This was Bonderman's worst start of his entire career. This is a kid who lost 19 games his rookie season and this was the worst start of his entire career. He raised his ERA this season from 3.69 to 4.33. And it all started with Schulman's comment.

Oh those crazy Japanese. Aj Pierzynski would be so proud.

The funniest part just might be the fact it takes the umpires forever to get the right call and then he has to broadcast to the entire stadium how the Yokohama Bay Stars are a bunch of morons.

My guess is the next strikeout the catcher will tag the batter.

Courtesy of Deadspin

Well that's certainly not true. But I did find it funny that me finding and posting a video of a dude knocking out another dude with a single kick could get linked at TIME.com for a related blog post to their article. And that a lil old SimonOnSports link could be an inch away from a link to the TIME Person of the Year.

Humorous Google Searches to Lead to SOS

My Favorite: Google Search Something Fun to Do and there's my link to something fun to do while pissing. Don't know if that was what they were looking for.

Either my buddy Brent Shannon is either very much interested in himself or there are a few people out there trying to stalk him down as that has led to 81 hits over the past month. Oh and Barrett was on the web searching for himself. And best yet is Walker posing for playgirl?

As Jose Maria Olazabal was his Spanish predecessor in golf he also was his predecessor in getting linked here for a homosexual search. That's right Sergio Garcia Homosexual google search hits up SimonOnSports.

Some other favorites: Kei Igawa Sucks, Justine Henin Herpes, Caught masterbating (probably cause I spelled it wrong), I Hate Steve Phillips.

Countries I've Learned Hits to SOS

I installed Google Analytics in mid may to go with the previously installed Statcounter. The Combo is cool and they show some different stuff. My favorite part about analytics is this map and the fact it holds all the data. Anyway the website is giving me a geography lesson.

Have you ever heard of Eritrea before? I didn't think so.

Mostly it's a lesson in tiny pieces of land like Turks and Caicos, Antigua and Barbuda, Gibraltar, Bahrain, and Malta.

Below is the little map on analytics that shows what countries I've registered hits at which include 3 from Iraq, woo. North Korea you're next. And where's the Khazakhi love?



Oh and that SPIKE ad that pops up every once in awhile about the Sexiest Bartenders is pretty pimp.

I believe this is something the ole college roommate should give a try.

Next time you head out to the bar you can play a new game which is being played by Premiership Football Players in the UK. See they enjoy drinking just as much as the next 20 something year old man, but they have bank so they need to spice it up. So what do they do is, well, they play a game where a single person has to pay for every single round during that evening and how do they decide who it is? Simple, whoever brings the least amount of hard cash to the bar is forced to pick up the entire tab.

So basically if you see a few rich ass soccer players rollin into your local
British pub you can expect them to be packin up to a couple hundred thousand pounds of dough in their pocket.

Personally I think there should be a secondary bet involved where the person with the most cash is forced to make it rain at the local strip club, but perhaps that is just me.

Courtesy of The Offside

Courtesy of Pro Football Talk where they have a funny pic like this daily.

How does this not kill? She got up in about 3 seconds flat, damn she's about a million times tougher than Pavano.

This stories just keep on coming week after week. Tasering, gambling, assaulting it was a noteworthy week for idiots and morons. Here are your contestants:

1. Scott Olsen - This guy needs some anger management courses. He seems to weekly get in a different fight with a different teammate and then he runs multiple stop signs while being chased by the cops. The cops were even forced to use a stun gun on him so he would comply. He needs some counseling bad. 2. Phan Van Tai Em - Typically you know when your team is bad and you set expectations as to how far you believe you can make it in a tournament. But when you're the player of the year and on your national soccer team and you are playing in the asian cup you think maybe you wouldn't schedule important events on tournament dates. Like scheduling your wedding during the quarterfinals and then skipping out on the match. 3. Tim Donaghy - If you don't know what this clown did yet than you haven't been paying attention. 4. Ron Mercer - I was starting to worry there for few weeks that athletes were no longer going to the strip clubs. But fear not the former Celtics bust first round draft pick made the world make sense to me again. As he was arrested for aggravated assault stemming from a scuffle at a strip club and so was his friend who stabbed the bouncer. The world is still on its axis.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Get Your Vote On

Last Weeks Winner: Gary Sheffield

Sometimes soccer players just suck at life, it's a true story. The best shot is at at the 2:36 mark where a player attempts to clear a lob pass into the penalty box and instead kicks it off his face and into the goal. Now throw that one on the highlight reel for best defense man of the millennium.

Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

So if Steroids are an illegal drug and taking them is illegal and distributing them is illegal shouldn't developing a new strain of undetectable steroids be illegal? Shouldn't this guy be doing the interview in an orange jump suit?

Courtesy of the Sports Frog

Yesterday as I got into my car and hit the typical evening traffic I put on the ole radio and was pleased to find out that Eric Mangini was going to be interviewed on 1050 ESPN radio on the Michael Kay show sans Michael Kay. So I tuned in and listened and it was the worst interview in the history of the world. Don LaGreca and Greg Buttle asked question after question which Mangini never directly answered. He skirted around every single question and threw out generic answer after generic answer, it was horrendous.

For instance they asked about the troubles Vilma had in adjusting to the 3-4 last year and his response was how the Jets like to play a versatile defense and that they like to set up their play book from week to week to minimize the opponents strengths and take advantage of their weaknesses and that Vilma was a very versatile player and that's why they like him. That doesn't answer the question at all.

So after all that frustration I turned on WFAN to find out that well, guess what, coming right after 20/20 Francessa would be interviewing Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini, not more than 10 minutes after the conclusion of the 1050 interview. So I thought to myself, I guess I'll listen perhaps he'll be a bit different in this interview. Wrong. Dead wrong.

Francessa asked him about the NFL and their crimes and then directly asked him about the Justin Miller offseason scenario (aka punching a woman) and what he thought about his offseason. Mangini came back and started talking about how Justin worked hard in the offseason and that they were pleased with his progress as a Dback and his workout regimen. Then Francessa clarified his question asking about personal conduct and Mangini started discussing how personal conduct is important to the Jets organization and they pride themselves on personal conduct. Again not answering the question at all.

Francessa then tried to pursue another hot topic and asked him if Randy Moss could severely improve the Patriots and Mangini went on a tangent again. Saying that the Patriots system is very mature and tested and that when you bring in any player you hope that they improve your team but it takes a team to achieve anything. Aka lots of words no substance whatsoever.

Eventually this all led to Francessa telling Mangini that he was already in midseason interview form. Indeed he was, he didn't answer a single god damn question and I wasted 30 minutes of my life over nothing. Ugh.

If you want to punish yourself you can listen to the WFAN Interview and the 1050 Interview. I would suggest taking my advice and not listening to either.

Alex Rodriguez is currently on a chase to do something that hasn't been done since the Mick in '56, but last night he already matched a legendary Yankee. After smacking his 35th homer last night, Alex Rodriguez matched Babe Ruth as the only players in history to have 11 seasons with 35+ Home Runs and 100+ rbis.

Babe Ruth hit this plateau at the age of 37 in 1932 when he belted 41 dingers and 137 rbis in 133 games. Arod turns 32 on Friday. And granted Ruth spent much of his youth as a pitcher in Boston and didn't accomplish 35+ 100+ until he was 25 but it still highlights how great of a player Arod has been over the course of his career. His career numbers are staggering and his current season is amazing.

When he hits his 500th homer run sometime in the near future he will eclipse Jimmie Foxx as the youngest player to reach 500 hundred and he will do so by almost and entire year.

Toss a few rings on those fingers and a couple more Arod-esque years and he will be considered without question the greatest player to ever put on a baseball uniform.

This is obviously an ancient newspaper from Northern Arizona University, but it's still quite humorous. How did the Copy Editor read that and not think, hmm, I wonder if campus is going to line up at this girls dorm room post game for jack offs.

Courtesy of GiggleSugar

Things not to put at the bottom of a sledding hill: boulders, a crowd of children and a Buick. Put the sound on for this one, it makes it more painful.

Courtesy of We Are the Postmen

Hmm is Mr. Arod starting to think about possibly a long term stay in the Tri-State Area and perhaps a nice fat extension to keep him in Pin Stripes for a few more years?

According to the New York Post Arod and his wife went house shopping recently and intently looked at a 25 million dollar estate in Greenwich, CT. My favorite part of the column is they some how infer that this means he's going to stay with his wife and that this could be his "Kobe" moment.

But in addition to the Greenwich mansion, Rodriguez, 31, also has checked out a Manhattan townhouse for possible purchase, indicating he expects such a deal with the Yankees to happen. It also suggests that he plans on staying together with his wife, Cynthia, despite revelations in late May that he was traveling across the continent with a busty, blond stripper named Joslyn Noel Morse.

"This could be A-Rod's 'Kobe Bryant moment,' " said one source, referring to the Los Angeles Lakers star's purchase of a $4 million diamond ring for his wife right after being hit with rape charges that later were dropped.

That's just classic. First of all we don't even know for sure if he even slept with the woman. Secondly, they assume that because "he's" looking for a house, as in his realtor was seen looking at a home, means that he plans to stay with the Yanks and his wife. And finally comparing buying a house to Kobe getting his wife some bling. Hilarious. Sometimes newspapers read way way too much into stuff.

Courtesy of The New York Post

Jebus, Ed what happened to your hairline? I know Jake Plummer was a terrible Bronco but did it get you that depressed that you decided you wanted to look like him? Well, minus the baldness. Poor guy.

Check out the rest of the jersey wearing mugshots at The Smoking Gun. They are all quite humorous. HT (Deadspin)

~So I've noticeably not talked much about the biggest scandals in sports recently, mostly cause everyone else on the planet has put their two cents in. So I didn't want to do an individual post daily on the Vick, Donaghy, Bonds etc., sagas. So I'm gonna roll it all into one quick notes.

Mike Vick and the Ron Mexico Doggies

~First on Vick, I think he's pretty much screwed as does everyone else. I doubt he plays a down for Atlanta this season, and personally don't care if he does. I think there's no way he gets away with not knowing that the stuff went down because he was the sole financier and it's highly doubtful he can prove that he didn't even ask where his money was going and had no knowledge of the dog fighting.

~As for the crimes, I'm not a PETA person so I think they're bad but not the worst acts ever committed. The worst part to me is the way they killed some of the dogs that were weak with drownings, electrocutions, and just pummeling the dogs on the ground, that's pretty horrendous. But as for the fights themselves, I'm not saying I would go watch them or that I approve of them, but I just don't see them being the end of the world and I'm surprised this is that big of a crime. Sure dogs ravaging themselves is cruelty to animals, but so is just about everything else we humans do. The fighting takes it to another level but still hunting isn't cruelty to animals? We kill pigs all the time, technically they are smarter animals than dogs, we have no problem with that because its for a food source, but when its for deranged peoples entertainment its hideously wrong. Hell we chain calves down and don't let them move so we can have a tender piece of veal, I don't see that many people holding up when they have a nice dish in front of themselves. There's evidence of cruelty to animals in surrounding sports even, just look at horse racing where if a horse breaks its damn leg its time to send them to the glue factory, and they used to kill those horses with nail guns. Thats nice.

~As for the NFL, I don't really think this will do much negatively for the NFL. Come Sunday afternoons are you going to boycott games? No. And now that the NFL will suspend Vick soon enough, PETA won't be involved.

~Speaking of PETA, they are despicable. They claim to be high and mighty and lovers of animals and that the whole Vick thing is horrendous. Yet, they have no problem trying to sell anti-Vick apparel so they can turn a profit. They are so slimy.

~As for the Falcons, they weren't going to be good anyway. They still have limited talented skill players. Joe Horn is past his prime. Warrick Dunn is past his prime. Their offense was going to be the same as it has been the past few years. Not good enough to get it done.

~My favorite part is how people are killing the Falcons for trading Matt Schaub now. They got two 2nd round picks for a guy that has never done anything in his NFL career. Would I rather have Joey Harrington at QB and two 2nd round picks, or Matt Schaub? I go with the former. I know Harrington has been a relative bust, but the Lions were terrible for those years and he wasn't that bad for the Dolphins last season. They're making it out like Matt Schaub is a guaranteed star in this league, guy was a 3rd round pick and played well one game against the Patriots, what does that prove?

Donaghy and Stern's Shaving Love Affair

~I think this story is being blown out of proportion too. We don't know any details as of yet, and people are treating it like it's the worst possible outcome already. Can we just once wait until all the details are out before we jump on the story like it's the end of the world?

~Mostly I just want to know about his playoff game betting. As we all know the regular season is completely meaningless. So if he effected who won a game in the regular season it is bad, but chances are it had no effect on the final standings. Thus, meaningless. If all he did was effect the Over/Under and spread of regular season games and never the full outcome of a game then damn, we shouldn't care at all right now. He's fired and he's done with, hopefully no other jackass does it again, but be thankful that it didn't effect anything major.

~Now if he really did blow game 3 of the Suns series and was betting on the outcome of that game then the guy should be crucified by the public and should definitely be sent to jail. That's actually relevant. I have a feeling he didn't though, as I watched the video which claimed that there were a ton of bad fouls called, and there were, but they were distributed equally between the three officials. In essence they all sucked equally. I didn't see anything where he stuck out above the other three.

~Stern's press conference seemed resigned to the fact that he really can't do anything about it, and that's true. It's not his fault, it's not the leagues fault it's one ref being a douche. Simple as that, I'd be willing to bet that the vast majority of refs in the NBA have never even let that thought hit their mind.

~Let's just repeat this, the NBA regular season results are irrelevant.

Selig and Bonds Hugfest

~This story is so old it's just sickening that people continue to talk about it daily. Selig is going to go to the game. Woo, who cares. He goes to the game or he doesn't, what does it matter? We all know that he doesn't think much of Bonds and hates the fact that he's going to break the record.

~Apparently Bonds ex-mistress is going to pose for Playboy and give a tell all interview. I wonder if she's seeking to make some cash. Ya, I'm going to believe everything she says in the interview.

~The record is already officially dead. We all knew it was eventually going to fall to Bonds years ago. Everyone held out a glimmer of hope, but come on, you knew it was going to happen. Get over it, give a token woo when you see Barry hit 756 and that'll be it. Of course I'm sure that ESPN and other networks will cover it for the remainder of the season regardless of when it actually happens. Ugh. Waste of my time.

~OK That's all I got on that stuff... Well for today at least.

Do not try to dunk on the streets of China, those be some tricky fellows. The hoop just might come down on your head and cut that shit off.

Kid's lucky he didn't snap his neck in the process. And the fans are lucky that pole didn't impale them like the javelin in the French long jumper last week. That would certainly suck.

This kids name is John Hatzis and this kid came in 2nd place in all of Ontario in the 38 Kg class. And to state the obvious he has nothing more than stumps for legs. So his accomplishment is pretty impressive.

Must be tough to know you're facing a kid that's just as good as you and has some advantages over you, namely upper body strength, but the perception is going to be negative regardless. Another one of those you win one and you beat a kid with no legs, you lose and damn you are terrible.

Presenting the Debate: Sergio Garcia is currently dating Greg Norman's daughter Morgan. The debate is to whether or not this association hurts, benefits or is irrelevant to his golf game.

The For Argument: Well she looks pretty damn good and her father was a terrific golfer and has boatloads of money. Norman did win two major championships during the course of his career and perhaps his knowledge could help Sergio finally get over the hump at the tournament which best suites his game. Also, maybe Normans experiences of finishing just short could help him.

The Against Argument: Well she is now associated with two of historians most classic runners up. No one in the golfing world finished just short more than Greg Norman. He's got no Masters wins but had 9 top 6 finishes including 3 runner up finishes. That's painful. But to make it worse much of it was Norman choking in the final round ala Sergio, which included him shooting a 78 on a sunday where he came into the day with a 6 stroke lead. Sergio at 27 now 13 top ten finishes and has finished in the top 5 at The Open Championship the past three years including back to back choke jobs. See the similarities? Sergio is on record as saying something extra is working against him at these majors, perhaps its this association with Greg "Just Short" Norman.

The Its Irrelevant Argument: It's just a coincidence, Sergio would be a choker regardless of the association.

I didn't think anything could possibly make NASCAR less watchable but bright neon colors showing the drafting of the cars as they drive across the screen? Well that just might do it. What the Hell are they thinking?

Courtesy of Awful Announcing

Wouldn't it hurt to play soccer without a sports bra? Hmm, questions to ponder.

Oh and I'd advise not watching these videos at work, but if you're a risk taker than go ahead. (NSFW)



If you played full out nude shouldn't you still wear shin guards? Another question to ponder.



Now if you got a few of these chicks to play in the MLS instead of David Beckham then I think you could get a solid viewership. Until then I think the league might continue to struggle.

Courtesy of Epic Carnival

Curtis Martin is finally set to call it a career this week as it's being reported that he will finally announce his retirement this week. During my 24 years on this earth there has never been a better player to wear a Jet uniform and through the shitty years and the good years he was always one glimmer of hope wearing green. He wraps up his career as the fourth leading rusher of all time and holds the record for most consecutive 1000 yard seasons to start a career with Barry Sanders at 10.

The reason why Curtis never gets any love as one of the best backs of all time, or even one of the best backs of his generation is evident by searching for videos on youtube of him. The guy was just not a highlight reel. He didn't have blazing speed or incredible Barry Sanders like moves, what he did have was a nose to get the extra yard on every single play and an unparalleled work ethic.

So in the end when you go to find some kind of highlight for Curtis, this is what you get, a weird commercial with Tiki Barber.

Everyone knows that A-rod is compiling mighty stats but do people truly understand the magnitude of the season he is currently undertaking? He is leading almost all offensive stats in the majors. Here's a complete rundown of A-Rod and his current standings in all of Major League Baseball.

Average: 23rd, .313 to .362 (Magglio)
Hits: 21st, 114 to 138 (Ichiro)
OBP: 9th, .414 to .497 (Bonds)
XBH: 2nd, 59 to 61 (Utley)
SLUG: 1st, .662 to .614 (Howard)
OPS: 1st, 1.077 to 1.067 (Bonds)
Runs: 1st, 94 to 86 (Sheffield)
RBI: 1st, 100 to 85 (Morneau)
HR: 1st, 34 to 30 (Prince)

Those last three are what I want to focus on. As rare as the triple crown is, being first in the AL or NL in the three categories of runs, rbi and HRs is almost as rare. And to lead the entire major leagues in these three categories is even more rare.

The last person to accomplish this feat in their respective league was Mike Schmidt in the strike shortened 1981 season and he was far surpassed in runs scored by Ricky Henderson if you combine the leagues. In 1967 Yaz won the triple crown but was barely nipped in runs scored by Hank Aaron and Lou Brock over in the NL so he pulled off the AL R,RBI, and HR titles. The year prior in '66 Frank Robinson won the triple crown but he was again thwarted by Hank Aaron on the other side, this time by 5 rbi. In 1963 Hank Aaron led the NL in all categories but lost out on homers to Harmon Killebrew by 1.

So who was the last person to lead all major league baseball in the categories of runs, rbi and homers? Roger Maris during his 1961 61 home run season. And even then he didn't win each category outright. He tied Mickey Mantle with 132 runs scored and Orlando Cepeda with 142 rbi.

The last to win it outright in both leagues? Mickey Mantle in 1956 with 52 homers, 132 runs and 130 rbi. Arod is on pace to blast by all those marks, but to Micks credit he won the Triple Crown that year as well. So it's time for you to pick up that average Arod, you slacker.

I wonder how much time you need to have on your hands to be good enough to juggle a ball while climbing objects. Me thinks he might have a bit too much spare time on his hands. Kind of like myself except he doesn't like computers.

Things that you should probably watch out for during the first 5 minutes of an MMA fight: a kick to the face. Ouch.

Gary Bettman

Biggest Problem: No one Cares about Hockey in America anymore. The ratings for games are atrocious and the NHL finals have been relegated to VS, a channel that not many Americans get.
Other Problems: The financial structure of the NHL is not sound. The Southern Expansion of franchises was moronic.
His Advil: No one cares about hockey, thus the dumb decisions he makes and the stupid stuff that happens in hockey is much more likely to fly under the radar than any other sport.

Roger Goodell

Biggest Problem: Players acting like ass bags. From Vick to Pacman to Tank to the entire Bengals team every day there is something news worthy and negative in regards to the NFL.
Other Problems: The NFL doesn't garner much interest or talent internationally.
His Advil: The NFL is all powerful in America. Sunday is synonymous with the NFL. People crave football more than any sport in America and that is unlikely to change anytime in the near future.

David Stern

Biggest Problem: The referee point shaving scandal and the resulting league integrity questions.
Other Problems: Much like the NFL Stern has to deal with off the court issues from players along the lines of Steven Jackson and Ron Artest. In addition, the regular season is highly insignificant and the vast majority of talent in the league plays west of the Mississippi, far away from the majority of the US population.
His Advil: He does have young superstars in place. Lebron James made his first NBA finals, and the addition of Durant and Oden to the league will only spark more interest next season. In addition the NBA has a strong international base with interest throughout Europe and China.

Bud Selig

Biggest Problem: The steroid scandal and Barry's soon to be destruction of the most prolific record in American sports.
Other Problems: Baseball's diminishing American inner city talent pools and diminishing tv numbers.
His Advil: For the most part, with the exception of the occasional DUI tasering, his players don't have blow out problems with the law. League wide attendance is on the rise and the league is fully entrenched in important cities like NY, LA and Boston.

"Oh look at me I'm french and I like to prance around on the pitch with my new long haired Brazilian teammate, Ronaldinho. I am so gay right now. Give me a smooch." Thierry Henry

Via Caught Offside

Coach "So you're sayin right there he was safe"
Ump "Yeah"
Coach "But you called him out for the hell of it"
Ump "Ya I did"

Well that is just figgin hilarious. Best umpiring ever. Dude pissed me off last inning so he was getting called out regardless. Classic.

Courtesy of the Fanhouse

The Open Championship final round was one of the most entertaining rounds of golf I have ever watched. It went back and forth between the leaders. Had people making birdies, eagles, double bogeys down the stretch. A playoff between two great golfers and an Argentine unknown pulling shots out of his ass. It was great.

Sergio es Un Choko

I said I wanted Sergio to win the damn thing, and I said I wanted to see how he would handle the whole thing coming down the stretch, so I got one of two. I really don't think Sergio played that poorly on Sunday he just regressed back to the old Sergio, as in he couldn't make a single damn putt. He had tons of opportunities to drain a 10 foot putt and he never did and that burned him. The belly putter which worked the first few days just lost its gusto on sunday.

Sergio was a typical dumb ass post tournament however, and said that he should "write a book on how not to miss a shot and not win a playoff." Hey, Sergio no more talk por favor.

Paddy Gets it Done

Typically I root for Paddy Harrington mostly cause he's really the only Irish guy of note. However, I did want Sergio to win so I was mildly disappointed and I even said hit it in the water on his tee shot on 18, so that was a bit douche on my part. Regardless his collapse on 18 was highly entertaining, the look on his face afterwards when his son jumped into his arms was cool, and watching him pull it off in extra holes was nice.

Andres Romero is Cool

Adding to the enjoyment of watching the final round most was Andres Romero, and Argentine who bares quite a resemblance to the hammock sellers that I ran across on the beaches of Mazatlan. He was on fire had a goofy smile on his face the whole time and the best part was after he hit the ball that ricocheted off the burn OB, he decided what the hell and pulled out his wood from the rough and drilled it onto the green. That was entertaining.

One thing that was absolute BS is how somehow ABC had zero camera shot of the shot that went OB. How do you not have that on tape? You have 4 or 5 cameras on the guy. At that time he was leading the tournament, yet no angle on the shot. Morons.

My Predictions Weren't Bad

Unlike my predictions at the US Open which were miserable, my predictions at the Open Championship were actually pretty good. I went with Tigger, so I didn't grab that one. But my top two other contenders were Sergio and Padraig so I nailed that. Granted I pick Sergio a lot and it was bound to happen that he came close, but hey not bad. Oh and Paul Lawrie didn't make the cut.

A Couple Entertaining Commercials

Throughout the round while the commercials were on way way way way too much, atleast there were a few that were entertaining. Sergio's bond-esque commercial was funny as was the commercial with the girl tormenting the driving range cart-boy, and the caddy training commercial with the caddies diving in front of golf balls. I want to find those vids on youtube but haven't yet.

My Buddy Hates Mike Tirico

I can't say that I am overly fond of Mike Tirico, but my buddy at CGB who I was watching the golf with wants to kick him square in the chin. That is all.

Sergio Better at Shopping Cart Pushing than Putting



Now if they had a major at a Stop & Shop Parking lot Sergio would have been all set.

Extra Quicknotes

~Ernie Els looked like a clown in powder blue and pink.

~Golf can still be cool without Tiger or Phil. This was the best major in awhile and it included neither of them anywhere in the running.

~Carnoustie between this tourny and the Van De Velde blunder should be in the Open Championship rotation at minumum every five years. It should be Carnoustie, St. Andrews and a rotation other sites for the remaining three years.

~Europe has finally ended its major drought, thanks to an Irishman of course. That was a long time.

~I did enjoy Tirico yelping out the stereotypical "They'll be having some pints in Ireland tonight" after Paddy's win.

Someone decided to make a full out highlight reel of OJ Simpson for that new video game where you can play as old NFL superstars. Just stay tuned for the last few seconds, that's where all the humor lies.

Courtesy of The Hater Nation

What's wrong with some Red Sox fans? Dude you're still up more than a handful of games and the Yanks don't have too many more games left against crap teams like the D-rays. Calm down. Don't give yourself a heart attack.

Courtesy of Awful Announcing

That's right Sergio you did bend over and take it in the ass...

Same dudes that provided bowlinnnnn but this is older. Don't know how I missed it but it's definitely a keeper.

It starts out a bit slow and than it kicks into gear. Cheese Fries. Peach Pies. Nacho Chips. Bowlinnnn...

Courtesy of With Leather from Rosenberg's World

Scenario: Your kid is a borderline minor league prospect who if he added a few miles per hour to his fastball perhaps the big leagues would come calling.

Bad Parenting Solution: Go to an orthopedic surgeon and ask for him to do Tommy John surgery on his elbow in hopes that after rehab that fastball will go from 88 to 91.

As stupid as that sounds, apparently it is actually happening in the States now. Kids with injuries to their elbows are often overstating their symptoms in order to get a doctor to perform the surgery on them. Or even worse, parents with children who have 100% healthy arms are asking surgeons if they will perform the surgery so that their child can put that extra zip on his fastball.

Force and motion are produced by the contraction of muscles. Ligaments do not make the body move. They are ropelike devices that connect bones and stabilize joints, but they do not have any springlike function. Tommy John surgery relieves pain but does not provide an increased ability over a healthy natural ligament to transfer energy from the body to the ball, doctors said.

“There’s no way we can make it better than the good Lord made it,” Dr. Andrews said. [NY Times]

Perhaps it's just me but if I was given the option in high school to do a couple months rehab to get my arm back to healthy or fake some symptoms so I could have Tommy John surgery and rehab for over a year, I think I would go with the short rehab. The rehab for Tommy John is a long tedious process, just ask Chris Carpenter if he's looking forward to having the surgery done so he can "gain" a mph on his fastball.

Or better yet here's a simple solution for making sure that your child does not end up with elbow problems at a young age. Inform them that it is overly important to let someone know when their arm feels sore and to stop them from pitching then. And don't let him throw a curveball until he hits his teens. Teach him a change up. There you go you ass clowns.

Another week down and another one with some sparkling moments of idiocy and pathetic acts. Here are your contestants:

1. Wil Ledezma - Typically pitchers miss games for injuries or the occasional bereavement and even punching trash cans some times gets it done. But leaving your passport in your pants while you're home in Venezuela during the all star break and ruining your Visa, thus stranding you at home? Now that's classic moron. 2. Gary Sheffield - Personally I thought the whole Sheffield thing was hilarious but it was really stupid in all honesty. The Not all the Way Black, Never Shot Anything in my Butt and blaming all of your troubles on women, those are some classic lines. 3. Tero Pitkamaki - This is the Finnish dope that slipped on his run up to throw his javelin and stuck it in the side of a french long jumper just sitting on the sidelines stretching. If you haven't seen this yet you're missing out, hell where have you been, even my mother has seen it. 4. Ben Czislowski - Finally I've heard of some negligence of injuries in my day like not noticing torn ligaments etc. But this Rugby player didn't know that he had a tooth stuck in his forehead for multiple months. He got his wound stitched up with the tooth in his head. Now that is retarded. Get Your Vote On

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Last Weeks Winner: Lonny Baxter

That picture is of a man whom I've never heard of but currently sits second (at 9:15) in the Open Championship. His name is the exact opposite of what Philadelphians epitomize, Boo Weekley. Not only is he bald and overly goofy looking but with the last name Weekley he some how wound up with the nickname Boo. Well that's friggin classic.

Possible Reasons Why He Got the Nickname Boo

1. He's Scary Looking.
2. He sucks at golf so family members decided to give him the nickname boo, so no one boos him vigorously.
3. His Children Are Frightened of him.
4. He's into Rap Music and Wants his boyfriend to call him his Boo.
5. Boo is short for Booourns.
6. He smells bad so he got the nickname B.O. which then started to be pronounced Boo.

Apparently according to wikipedia he got his nickname for Boo Boo Bear. Well that's lame I would have gone with the he frightens his children angle.

Dear Tampa Bay Buccaneer Fans,

Remember when Cadillac played at Auburn and was so fast and elusive and how he burst onto the NFL scene with back to back to back 100+ yard games and everyone thought he was the second coming. Well, if you are curious as to why Cadillac was so good then and has been pretty miserable for the last season and a half it's simple. He's missing the Needham Hex. The Needham Hex was there to make tacklers miss during his days at Auburn and over the beginning of his first season. Mr. Needham was confused that first season and still thought that the Cadillac was truckin for the tigers and was throwin the Hex out there left and right.

Yes the future is bleak for Cadillac and Bucs fans. The Hex has abandoned Carnell and his quarterback will either be an aging bald man or one without a spleen.

My Condolences,
Simon

Video Courtesy of With Leather

Tigger finished up his round today at -2 and sits 4 behind my rooting interest Sergio. Not like 4 strokes is a big lead for anyone after one round over Tiger but personally I want to see Sergio with the lead going into sundays round with Tiger looming.

This scenario would give us an opportunity to see one of two things, either Sergio not choking down the stretch of a major and giving his monotonic golfer suit a trophy or Tiger coming back to win a major which he hasn't done yet, which is kind of amazing to think about. All of his Ws have come with the lead or share of the lead going into the final round. So for an interesting storyline, how about -8 Sergio -6 Tiger final pair on sunday morning? Now that would be fun.

If you walked past this guy on the streets I'm sure the first thing that would cross your mind is, that guy is most certainly a World Cup soccer player. Well in fact, apparently he is, but not for the typical FIFA World Cup (the only time Americans care about soccer), but for the Homeless World Cup. Ya you read that right, the Homeless World Cup.

The Homeless World Cup, which is being held from July 29th to August 4th in Copenhagen this year, is an annual soccer tournament consisting of, well, people that have been homeless at some point in the past year. More specifically here are the exact player eligibility qualifications courtesy of wikipedia:

* Be male or female and at least 16 years of age at the time of the tournament
* Have been homeless at some point after the previous year's World Cup OR
* Make their main living income as a streetpaper vendor OR
* Be asylum seekers (who have neither positive asylum status nor working permit)

Not surprisingly the American squad, named The New Yorkers, wonder where they're from, hasn't ever finished in the top 8 in the 4 year history of the event.

You could either view this as compelling or hilarious, just depends on how black your soul is. That picture is surely funny, the video isn't though. Eh I'm on the fence...



Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

In my honest opinion soccer provides the best highlights of any sport in the world. Sure sometimes when you're watching a match you may only get a few moments of excitement but I could sit down every day and watch the top 10 soccer plays of the evening and see moments of gold like this.

Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

The Open Championship starts tomorrow and I bet you forgot with all of the Michael Vick stuff going down. Well the Open Championship always provides some interesting golf to watch and they're headed back to Carnoustie, the home of the Van De Velde collapse so that will be thrilling.

4 People to Watch to Contend

Flamboyant Pants- Sergio Garcia - Alright I know Sergio has struggle very badly this year, mostly cause he putts like I do. But nobody comes out with better monotonic outfits for the Open than Sergio and the guy eventually has to win a major right? I mean he pounds the US mercilessly in the Ryder Cup. He's also finished in the top 10 in 5 of the last 6 Opens, and hell I'll admit I'm pulling for him.

Secondary - Padraig Harrington - You know what I go with Padraig as a contender every single damn time and he always lets me down eventually the clown is going to do something to make Ireland proud.

Token Brit - Justin Rose - Rose has been the most consistent Brit this year during the majors. He's got two top finishes between the Masters and Us Open and he's heading to the Island for a home show.

Darkhorse - Ian Poulter - Why is he a darkhorse, well anytime someone is brash enough to actually where the Clarret Jug on their pants inseam then you know they have some balls. Or they're stupid, your opinion. Either way he has played relatively well this year and he has finished 11th in the past.

3 People Who Might Surprisingly Miss the Cut

The Shocking - Jim Furyk - Well I guess not that shocking since he has struggled at Opens in the past, but he did play very well last year.

The Returning Champ - Paul Lawrie - Last time Lawrie was here during a major weekend he was gifted the title via Van De Velde and since then have you really heard much from him? I would not be surprised if he gives himself a few days off this weekend.

The Old - Jose Maria Olazabal- We're going to stick with the man who gets linked to my site somehow via his name and the word homosexual as missing the cut. Only because I still find it funny.*** He isn't going to make the cut cause he pulled out of the tourny Wednesday...

Replacement for Olazabal - Zach Johnson - Why cause he hasn't started his round yet at 9:19 am and it would be too cheap to pick someone like Geoff Ogilvy who shot a first round +4.

2 People to Root For this Weekend

The Sour Brit - Colin Montgomerie - I also am fond of Monty unlike almost all other Americans and I hope that he's in the running on sunday just for some extra drama and extra entertainment.

The Locale Boy - JJ Henry - This is standard, and if he's in a major he sits in the root for section.

1 Winner

Tiger Woods - Do you really think that Tiger is going to go out and not win a major this season? He's dominated the past two Open Championships and he's come up just a few strokes this year at the previous two majors but he's due for a title. Surely you can come out and lay claims that he's recent child may have for the time being eliminated a bit of his focus and taken away some of his practice time but perhaps this distraction and joy was just what he needed to return to dominance. And perhaps the distraction of the due date was the reason he didn't put away the US Open. Either way this tournament I'd take Tiger at about 40% to win the title, so I'd still go with the field, but I'm taking him to win.

Oh and here's some fun with the Van De Velde blowup. Some Japanese guy analyzes how Van De Velde should have hit it into the fairway instead of the creek.

Some Yankee fans obviously are a bit bitter over the fact that the Red Sox have been up double digit games over the majority of the past few months. I understand the rings argument but doesn't it eventually get old? I mean really how many rings have you been alive for if you're doing a cartoon of Jeter beating up Ortiz? My best guess is 4.

Courtesy of Red Sox Monster

Bill Simmons has been insulted and I don't know if he will stop crying over. He sent in an application to become the President of Red Sox Nation (More on that later) and well Remy took him to town and literally threw his application in the trash. Here are a few quotes from Remy dumping "The Sports Guy":

That’s enough for one night but I’m telling you, some of this stuff is unbelievable. This Simmons goes right to the trash. The sports guy he calls himself. He wants free tickets. And he’s ripping my health. And he’s ripping Mike O’Malley of all people.

So Bill you've been ripped by the biggest Red Sox icon are you going to survive, will you be able to write any more columns and are you overly sad that the Remdog doesn't know who you are? And for someone who is a columnist you must have really blew some wording to tick off the Remdog. How do you write something that he reads as Remy might die any second. Not a good way to win an election.

OK finally I just want to rant about this whole Red Sox Nation crap. Enough already you're a friggin fan base, every other team has a fan base. We understand that you have a lot of rabid fans and there are a ton of blogs, chat forums, bars, dedicated solely to the Red Sox, but you're still a singular fan base. You're not much different than anybody else. If you want to call yourself the Red Sox Nation go ahead it's not like it's much different than calling yourself a Yankee fan but this whole running for Presidency of the Nation bull shit. Give me a friggin break, Remy is reading applications? They're legitimately going to pick a winner and leader of the Satan's Army?

You want a leader here I vote for Scott Boras, he's practically Satan himself and he's given you the joyous signing of JD Drew. There you go Red Sox Nation bow down to your leader, the great Scott Boras.

Read the Entire Remy Ripping of Simmons here at Awful Announcing.
And Simmons Application here at Boston Media Watch
Boston Dirt Dogs with the Initial Transcript

Perhaps he just wanted to pull a Clemens Piazza and see if he could knock the guy out and force him to miss the all star game. It doesn't look like it worked.

Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

~Jerry Yang is your 2007 World Series of Poker Champion. I have never heard of him and my guess is you haven't either so I'll give you a quick rundown. He's American but of Laos decent and he won 8.25 million dollars by winning the tournament and apparently that's what it looks like when you're leaning up against an 8.25 million dollar stack of money.

~So Mike Vick is in a shitload of trouble. Not only is he being indicted on the dog fighting charges, but he's being indicted by the federal jury meaning they'll throw the kitchen sink at him. Plus, he's being targeted as the main culprit as the one who set everything up so this gives incentive for his co-defendants to rat him out for less jail time. And furthermore if you watched sportscenter this morning you would have heard how some of the dog's were 'put down' and let's just say it was a tad bit cruel. Here's an excellent article which describes just how much shit Vick is in.

~Daunte Culpepper finally was cut ending a terrific tenure in Miami. I have no idea where he will go, the rumors to Jacksonville make limited sense. I just don't see a starting job out there for Culpepper this season, so one will have to wait and see if he's willing to take a backup gig right now when he says he's healthy.

~Who's Now is lame and everyone is killing it, even Mike Francessa went on a big rant yesterday on the radio blasting how unwatchable sportscenter is.

~Jeremy Accardo needs to learn how to hold runners on. The biggest reason he blew a save last night was the Yankees ability to steal on his big leg kick, as Cairo stole 2nd prior to being thrown out on at the plate (the most hideous slide ever), the Melkman stole 3rd base immediately following, and finally he was so worried about Damon stealing second that he balked the tieing run home. Slide Step Jeremy, it's called a slide step.

~Another example of the Yankees broadcasters being miserable, Suzyn Waldman stated that she had never seen Derek Jeter argue with an umpire following strike calls to end an at bat. Um, Suzyn he did the night before when Brandon League struck him out on balls that could have been deemed low.

~The Phillies had 26 hits last night against the Dodgers, 26 friggin hits, damn.

~Ryan Garko came off the bench last night for the Indians to hit a game tieing two run homer in the ninth and a game winning rbi single in the 11th. If he's on your waiver wire in your fantasy league go pick him up. In 5 games since the all star break the 26 year old is 10-16 with 3 homers.

~In two games versus the Indians the White Sox almost blew an 11-2 lead and did blow a 5-3 lead in the 9th. Ozzie Guillen is probably nearing a heart attack.

~Oh and if you're bored at work play this baseball game. You'll be able to waste a solid 1/2 hour no problem.

This is absolutely classic, go around the entire city of a 3rd world country and have kids kick a ball that is way to heavy for them to move and continually watch them fall on their face. This is an excellent idea.

Courtesy We Are the Postmen

For those of you who don't know the Pan American Games are currently being held in Rio, Brazil. I was one of those people about a half an hour ago until one of my coworkers who is from Brazil informed me that the ladies of the US are apparently running amuck down at the Pan Am Complex.

According to a Brazilian Newspaper the US woman are the talk of the town in Rio. Reportedly they are incredibly promiscuous and are the hottest woman athletes currently in Rio and are the desire of all the foreign men at the Complex.

And if you want some more dirt the local shop that sells condoms and lube is recording increasing sales daily and has been forced to restock their supplies. And even better the female athletes apparently often head to the night club prepared, which in Rio is slang for going sans underwear. Oh they're prepared all right, prepared for any strapping Mexican soccer player to come there way.

The article concludes with stating that the athletes report that the only way to keep yourself entertained in the complex is going out for some azaração, or looking to hook up with as many people as possible. Wow.

The article is in Portuguese so I can't read it and chances are you cannot as well. So I was nice enough to do a google translate and then received a little help from my friend for the slang words that google does not know. It's still a little rough but you'll get the picture:

Festeiras (Party People) Americans are forbidden to go to boate (Night Club)

A news article of this tuesday of the periodical “the Globe” discloses that the athletes are losing the line with the batidão (A Type of Dance) of funk in boate (Night Club) of the Village Pan-American. The rhythm seduced until the Americans, who are in the delegation more “prepared” (Slang for Going Pantyless) and “powerful” (Really Really Hot Girls) of the Games. In accordance with the periodical, the Americans had been hindered for the heads of the delegation to participate of the party, after some nights of spree. In interview to Globoesporte.com, Marcelo Silva, of the Brazilian team of I row, said that after claims of the assanhamento (throwing yourself at someone all the time) of the Americans, some integrant ones of the delegation had started to frequent boate(Night Club) with lanterns, to fiscalize(Check to see if they are there) them in the place.

They lost the line when she touched funk and even danced with athlete of other countries - the remador(rower) counts.

The pancadão (Party) also can be heard outside of boate(Night Club). The players of the Mexican election of soccer, for example, already knew the spiced letters behind for front before exactly of the Games to start.

We know this music in Mexico. He has a Brazilian band that she makes much show for and it is a success there - said, in interview to the site Globoesporte.com, the aggressor Emmanuel Cerda.

The climate in the Village started to esquentar (Getting Hot) already in the first night. Boate(Night Club) bombou (was full) and couples had started if to form. In the only store that vende (sells) condoms in the village, the supply had of being restituted (restocked). According to an employee, venda (sales) of condoms and lubricative gel increase to each day. The athletes say that the azaração (Going Out Looking to Hook Up, the More the Better) is practically the only diversion in a place that lacks of leisure infrastructure.

Here is the complete Brazilian Article if you can read Portuguese.

Who knew that Borat Sagdiyev of Kazakhstan was faster on the hills of France than the leaders of the Tour? Must be the Aerodynamic swimsuit.

Courtesy of Duece of Davenport through NutmegNine

You know what, I think I'm finally coming around on GW, he's pretty much just a normal guy. It's not his fault the rest of the country is stupid and votes more on the basis of morals and likability than on actual policy.

Now the Chinese National team is coming out with another stupid excuse as to why Yi should not join the Milwaukee Bucks, that being that the Bucks have too many tall people. Their 'point' if you can take it as legit is that their #1 concern is development of Yi for Team China and that if he was to play for the Milwaukee Bucks that he would have a difficult time garnering playing time and this would in fact stunt his growth.

Wow China now you're reaching. The point about Milwaukee not having a dense Chinese population was at least true, and while it may be a bit poor of an excuse to not have him play in a given city, at least it's accurate. This point is just miserable. The Bucks have two legitimately talented big men in Bogut and Chucky Eyebrows and that's it. Meaning at worst Yi should be the first big guy off the bench, if he's any good. Furthermore, Chucky Eyebrows could easily play the three when Bobby Simmons is on the bench to give Yi even more playing time.

How many teams in the NBA have less then two decent big men? Where the hell do you want him to go? This is just China piling on another excuse because their first one was obviously not enough because it didn't get Yi out of Milwaukee.

Old Yi Stuff: Dunked On, Game Winner, Nukes Pointing at Milwaukee, I Want Me a Chinaman

If you're looking for someone on ESPN to say something stupid, well then look no further than Steve Phillips. Everyone knows that it would be much better for everyone involved if Bonds was to break the record in San Fran and Steve Phillips is amongst the masses on this point. However, Phillips pushes this to another level. He is currently advocating that when Barry Bonds is set to break the record that he only play home games. That the Giants bench him on the road for the betterment of major league baseball.

His belief has a few key points. First of all is the basic point that he will get booed and there could possibly be an ugly scene at a road stadium. He even brought up a possibility of someone running onto the field in attempt to attack him, which is a bit far fetched. Secondly, he believes that the lasting image of Bonds hitting a homer and not getting cheered would be so bad for baseball that it is worth the Giants in essence throwing the B squad on the field daily on the road.

So I just have a few questions Steve for your poor opinion. First do you not want Barry Bonds to tie the record at home too, or just not to break it? What is really the difference? Secondly, say he hits the tieing homerun on the road in the first inning, are you saying that the Giants should then immediately take Barry out of the game? Seriously? Finally you really believe that the lasting image of Barry Bonds will be that singular home run, you don't think people will already have a lasting image of Bonds as a cheater. You truly believe that if he hits the homer in San Fran and the crowd is cheering that in 10 years we will remember Bonds breaking the record in a good light? That is highly doubtful if not completely delusional.

Furthermore do you not think Steve that it is completely unfair to the baseball world for the Giants to, in essence, send out a diminished team every road game. What you're saying is that you are fine with playing with the integrity of the game all for the lasting image of a single home run. So if he's working on breaking the record in September and the Padres and Dodgers are in a dead heat, you would be fine if he say played all 4 games at home vs. the Dodgers but sat a road series against the Padres? That wouldn't sacrifice too much integrity of the game and stir up more controversy than there already is?

Lastly don't you think that with all that has gone done with major league baseball, the players union, ignorance towards steroids, and Bonds cheating that they deserve the 50/50 chance of humiliation. If Bonds was clean and not a complete douche than this wouldn't be an issue. I personally believe it is only fair if he plays all the time and there is a 50/50 chance that he gets booed vigorously after breaking the record. The MLB and Bonds himself would deserve it.

Previous Hate on Steve Phillips

I would do the Arod every other at bat song rotation between the regular version:



And the Remix:



That would certainly intimidate the other team...

Mr. Van Winkle don't come trying to sue this guy, he most certainly has a different baseline than Ice Ice Baby.

Ugh, Papa Bear keeps on deleting posts, master editor I think not...

It's a true Yankee miracle, Wil Nieves hit a double. He finally increased his slugging percentage to greater than his batting average. I feel like shedding a tear, our little catcher finally did it, so touching.

Amazing grace! how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost but now am found,
was blind but now I see.

In the NFL where every single player who breaks the law is this weeks news. Chris Chambers of the Miami Dolphins is the most recent addition, as he is being charged for a DWI, reckless driving and speeding in North Carolina on saturday.

Really none of this should surpise anyone a different NFL player gets a DWI every other week, but this is different. Chambers actually passed the breathalizer test and is still being charged with a DWI. What the F* is that? What is the friggin point in having a breathilizer if it only works one way. So if he failed the breathalizer is he doomed? But passing it doesn't matter and he still can face charges? Well that is just lame.

Sure convict him on the reckless driving and speeding charges, but if he was ever convicted of the DWI after being below the legal limit that would be utter bullshit.

So does the horse not get credit for the win? I mean sure he doesn't have the 100 pound anorexic jockey sitting on his back, but he's also not getting whipped in the ass the whole time. And he takes the outside lane the entire race. Surely it's an equal trade off, give him the W.

Courtesy of the Fanhouse

So that required a ludicrous amount of athleticism and coordination, to jump up and hit the take the ball from the air above his head and score from a horrible angle. It is doubtful that ponytail man will ever have a better moment in his life.

Look at the goalie he doesn't even move, not even a single inch to attempt to save the ball. I guess that's why their team is wearing pink jerseys.

Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

Mike Tyson just might be the weirdest man to ever roam the streets of NYC and that's saying something. One day he's talking about eating your children and biting off ears the next day he's breeding and taking care of thousands of pigeons. He's one weird dude.

"This has been a part of my life, I've been doing this longer than anything I ever participated in... besides breathing."

The Saddest part of the whole whiffing is the fact that the guy is wearing the captains armband. I think you just might have to relinquish that asap.

Courtesy of The Offside

Kids name is Cody Paul and the ladies in the elementary school be all over his shit. Kid makes it rain on them hos.

I wonder if Jim Tressel is already sending this kid paychecks to play at Ohio St or at minimum a phat Escalade sitting in his driveway.

Courtesy of The Commish

In News of the world of urine and urinating on things, lucky Cub fans everywhere can now go out and bid on this beautiful urinal. Signed by all the Cub players this will give one lucky Cub fan the opportunity to symbolically urinate on all of their favorite or least favorite players.

Here's the sales pitch on the auction site:

Ripped from the clubhouse latrines, relieve your Cubs fever with this timeless clubhouse urinal signed by the entire Cubs team. A one of a kind item you can't find anywhere else!

If I was the auctioneer I'd certainly go about advertising what particular players signed the latrine as I could imagine every single Cub fan (perhaps only a few) have dreamt about urinating on the ever injured Mark Prior and Kerry Wood.

Courtesy of Deadspin through Events.org
Previously at SimonOnSports: Who Sucks More Prior or Wood?

So apparently this Portuguese U-20 player thought that by stealing the red card out of the refs hands he could prevent his teammate from being ejected. Unfortunately for him it simply lead to his heading to the showers as well. Dumb ass.

Curtosy of the SoccerBlog

What better to cure a lull in a sporting day than an interview with Gary Sheffield. Sheff on Tuesday nights edition of HBO's Real Sports asserts that Joe Torre treats Black and White players differently and that essentially Jeter doesn't count fully cause he's only half black. Well isn't that classic.

Essentially Andrea Kramer the interviewer asked Sheffield what organizations treat blacks differently and he said the Yanks. This all led to Kramer mentioning that the Yankees most prominent player was black to which Sheffield said, "Derek Jeter is black and white." When asked what the significance was he said, "There's really no significance. You just ain't all the way black." Amazing, did you hear that Derek you just ain't all the way black, that's why New York and Joe Torre like you.

As if that wasn't enough entertainment Sheffield later provided this gem when asked about steroid use:

"In a million years, I don't care what anybody says, steroids is something you shoot in your butt. I do know that . . . The bottom line is steroids is something you stick in your butt –- period."

Oh and if you thought that was it, here's this classic exchange with Kramer:

Near the start of the interview, Kramer asks Sheffield how one man can have so much chaos in his life. "Bad choice of women," he says.

"That's way weak, man," Kramer says. "All the turmoil in your life is because of women?"

"Yeah," he says.

People are probably going to run with this and start criticizing Sheffield like they typically do, but for a brief moment can we all simply just enjoy Sheffield. Honestly in todays sporting world a good quote and topic of discussion is hard to come by. Not many players will come out and say controversial things and when they do they try to cover it up like they didn't really mean it (See Albert Pujols). Sheffield on the other hand always says something outlandish and I for one aim grateful.

"I tell myself every offseason I'm not going to say anything crazy. I'm just going to have a peaceful season . . . Can't do it. I'm cut from a different cloth."

Cheers to you Gary for being a complete ass and thanks for letting us know that you've never stuck anything in your butt.

Curtousy of Newsday
And If you Would Like to Rehash Some of His Classics

No that's not David Beckham that's Jesus, and he's probably the only thing that could make a large portion of Americans care about the MLS.

I feel obliged to do this but I'm gonna make it quick so here are my first half award winners...

NL MVP

1. Prince Fielder - Doin it for his estranged fat father.
2. Chase Utley - The Phils should be good right?
3. Jose Reyes - He's fast.

AL MVP

1. Arod - Contract Year Push.
2. Vlad - He's the Whole Offense.
3. Magglio - Curly Locks Leadin the way.

NL Cy Young

1. Chris Young - Mostly for the lame punches thrown at Derek Lee.
2. Jake Peavy - Two Fathers at the top?
3. Brad Penny - Why does he always date hot chicks?

AL Cy Young

1. Dan Haren - It's all in the Beard.
2. CC Fatassia - It's all in the fat rolls.
3. Josh Beckett - Hopefully there's a big tail off.

NL Rook O' Da Year

1. Hunter Pence - He Eats Venison.
2. Ryan Braun - Just needs some more ABs.
3. Josh Hamilton - Crack free.

AL Rook O' Da Year

1. Dice-K - I don't discriminate against Team Asia.
2. Hideki Okjajima - I told you I like Asia.
3. Jeremy Guthrie - I picked him up so he's probably gonna tank 2nd half.

NL Manager of the Year

1. Bud Black - Bud makes pitchers good.
2. Grady Little - Give Forest Gump some love.
3. Ned Yost - Screw him, he sucks.

AL Manager of the Year

1. Jim Leyland - Leyland's anger makes me happy.
2. Eric Wedge - Go Injuns.
3. Joe Torre - Ha ya right.

My MVP is Jesus of course...

Check Out More High Comedy Ricky at 100% Injury Rate

I thought this was going to be a poor week for the Weekly Waste and then someone long since heard from comes out of the woodwork and does something so profoundly stupid, turning the awards interesting. Here are our contestants:

1. Antoine Walker - Antoine you seriously got jacked at a traffic light? Where the hell were you driving, you don't seem as if you were ever "from the streets". Sucks for you that some of the massive contract you made but didn't really earn was thieved away. 2. NCAA - The NCAA laid down the law this week and sanctioned Oklahoma for the Rhett Bomar scandal, aka getting paid for doing nothing kind of like me at work this week. They told the Sooners that their wins in 2005 don't count. Um what does that do? Such a waste of time. 3. All of Uruguay - Basically these cats just can't take losing in international tournaments very well. First their U-20 team tries to start a fight with team America after a 2-1 loss and then their senior team tries to start a fight with Brazil after losing on PKs in the Copa America. Losers. 4. Lonny Baxter - Things that you probably shouldn't contemplate doing; firing a weapon in close proximity to the the white house and sending multiple firearms via fedex. Apparently the 4 years at Maryland and the national title didn't serve to increase his intelligence. Get Your Vote On

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Last Weeks Winner: Mark Fuhrman
June Winner: Ratters of Stripper Golf

If you look up in the left hand corner you will notice that the picture of the Keg Logo (which I need to get back up there) is gone and that I have send me hate mail, and if you browse even further down the left column you will notice there's an addition to Contributors. What someone other than Simon writing? Well not quite yet.

As sometimes you can tell by what can be poor grammar or miss-spellings or other stuff, I am completely averse to proof reading. I write the shit, I look at it while I'm writing it and that's it and occasionally I'll get yelled at for poor grammar, that guy was a loser.

Well after much protesting and begging and mentioning that he's getting hives occasionally; Millsy aka Papa Bear will serve as the token proof reader guy. Granted he'll probably proof read and edit after each post is already up, but he really wants to do it. I have no idea why, proofreading is equivalent to cricket to me, but who am I to argue. Perhaps if he earns his dues I'll even let him post his own views on something. Perhaps.

So I suggest that you send Millsy tons of hate mail daily at Millsy52@gmail.com

Well I would if the season was over at the all star break. As I chronicled after the opening 2 months of the season I was in first place in all three of my cash leagues. Well thanks to a few key wins and stats here and there I maintain first place in all three leagues.

Matt - Roto League

Best Hitter: Gary Sheffield, Sheffield was absolutely terrible during the opening month other than a steal here and there. But since he's been arguably the best player in baseball and yet he didn't make the all star team. What a joke.

Best Pitcher: Dan Haren, Danny Haren would have won the Cy Young in the first half, and thus it's a simple decision.

Best Free Agent Pickup: Al Reyes, I picked him up after the opening week and he's helped stay close to the Saves race. Now he just needs to get off the DL.

Best Draft Pick: Shane Victorino, Victorino was the last or second to last hitter I drafted, and I did so hoping for steals and that's it. Well at the break he has 27 steals and 11 homers.

Biggest Surprise Hitter: Shane Victorino, Ya Victorino gets the nod here as well, no way did I expect him to have a chance to go 20-40.

Biggest Surprise Pitcher: Dan Haren, It's Haren again, I expected a lot of innings and decent stats all around, not Cy Young candidate.

Disappointing Hitter: Felipe Lopez, He's the opposite of Victorino, he was the second hitter I drafted and I expected steals. Well he has hit like crap and he only has 11 steals.

Disappointing Pitcher: Yovani Gallardo, He came up and I thought I had a stud, and then Ned Yost turned asshole and decided to put him in the pen for no good reason, stupid ass.

Dell's Herp Army - H2H League

Best Hitter: Gary Sheffield, once again the Sheff man leads my team. For this draft we sat down at my buddies apartment and Sheffield drilled one of his many preseason homers and I was like ok I'm drafting this guy. And it's worked out.

Best Pitcher: Francisco Rodriguez, K-Rod is still knocking down saves and boosting my ratios.

Best Free Agent Pickup: Paul Konerko, This is a shallow league so someone decided they had enough of Konerko sucking. Well he hit .290 in June and .379 during the opening week of July.

Best Draft Pick: Josh Beckett, I scuffled between drafting Matt Cain or Josh Beckett and went with Beckett. Minus the three missed starts, Beckett is up there in the All Star Game starter discussion.

Biggest Surprise Hitter: Todd Helton, Helton hasn't been out of this world, but in comparison to everyone else he has been better than expected.

Biggest Surprise Pitcher: Cole Hamels, it's a shallow league so really no one has been that surprising on my team.

Disappointing Hitter: Robby Cano, he really wasn't very good until June and then scuffled when he seemed like he was breaking out, here's hoping for big things from here out.

Disappointing Pitcher: Mike Mussina, it's still Muss. He had such a good year last year and now he's got a 4.62 era.

Dreamboat's Sperm - H2H League

Best Hitter: Chase Utley, He was my first round draft pick and he's been great. He's far and away the best 2nd baseman in the league and was completely worth the 8th pick.

Best Pitcher: CC Fatassia, My boy CC's got 12 wins now and has thrown a few CG to get me bonus stats in the tough to get H2H categories.

Best Free Agent Pickup: Shane Victorino, Yes a lot of my players overlap...

Best Draft Pick: Matt Holliday, I hope next year people still don't know who this guy is so I can once again pick him up later than he should go.

Biggest Surprise Hitter: Prince Fielder, Prince is my best hitter, my best draft pick arguably ever, and the biggest surprise. Keep it rolling big fella.

Biggest Surprise Pitcher: Kelvim Escobar, Escobar maintains his spot as my biggest surprise pitcher. I certainly didn't think 10 first half wins.

Disappointing Hitter: Ty Wigginton, Yes I know he's not good but when I picked him up he was doing well, since then he's been piss poor. Same with Aubrey Huff.

Disappointing Pitcher: Daniel Cabrera, Someone teach this big clown to throw well. Every year I fall for this guy.

The Yankees apparently have decided to tear up traditions all around the place, starting with the giving the Rocket the family package and now saying they are willing to discuss a contract extension with A-Rod mid season. Which they never have done for anyone, not even Mariano Rivera. While I personally think that their attempts to extend Arod will be futile, as he would be stupid not to test the open market and see if he can get another criminal Ranger-esque deal, I understand their desire to at least give it a go.

I do have one large question regarding their contract talks which I myself can not answer. The Yankees currently have a deal in place after the Rangers trade whereby the Rangers organization is responsible for paying 29 million dollars over those three years. I already wondered whether Hicks could pay off Arod to opt out, which is almost surely illegal. Now, I have another question. In order to extend Arod one would assume that he would request not just a simple extension but rather an extension plus an increase in pay over the remaining three years of the contract, and I wonder how, legally speaking, this plays into the money Tom Hicks owes. If you rework a contract is it considered an entirely new contract? If they were only able to give Arod a true extension then one would have to assume it would be highly backloaded meaning the Yanks would probably be paying him in the mid 30s in his final year, ouch.

I need a lawyers knowledge or the folks at I Want to Be a Sports Agent for the answer.

So David Beckham is practically in America and within the span of a few days he has come out and made some statements that suggest that he's starting to rethink his move.

"I felt capable of staying for longer at Real. I could have still played for three more seasons at the highest level but after the club told me in January that they did not want to renew my contract, I took this decision. The day we won the title with a 3-1 win over Real Mallorca my heart ached - but the decision was already taken. I am going to continue to support Real Madrid and follow them next season."

It probably doesn't help his mood when he just left Real Madrid, winners of La Liga, one of the top leagues in all of the world and is headed to the LA Galaxy who have the second lowest point total in the schmuck MLS. He even seems resigned to the fact the Galaxy will still stink when he's on the team, cause it's soccer and one person doesn't make a team good.

"People probably do think they're going to see me turn out, and we'll win our first game 10-0. That's one thing I'm worried about. I'm not a player who will run past 10 players and score three or four goals. My game is about working hard and being a team player."

So while his sex-driven recent pictures for W magazine are surely a ploy to begin building up the hype machine for him and his wife, it is pretty evident that already Becks wishes England and Real Madrid didn't push him out the door. All this and he still hasn't played a single game yet. Wait until the final year of your contract Becks, you'll be begging to be bought out Steve Francis style.

Quote Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

Remember back when the Clippers sucked... Maybe that needs some clarification, when they sucked but they had Q and D-Miles and did everytime someone hit a bucket they would do the two fists to the head celebration which made no sense to anybody. Well Wang Zhi Zhi decided after hitting a 3 against the Knicks to taunt Quentin Richardson with a little mocking. Oh no you didn't get taunted by a Chinese Wang.



Courtesy of Winning the Turnover Battle

And thus concludes the the deadzone of sports, tomorrow all will be well with the return of baseball and actual sporting events. Hopefully the billions (25) of videos I posted the last three days helped keep your sports sanity as I know it did mine, well the limited sanity I can still claim to have.

Here's a quick Recap of the Deadzone Videos:

~I love Asian TV thus Human Tetris, Spin Cycle Boxing, Toupee Boxing and Michelle Wie Lovin Koreans
~Yi Jianlian got Dunked on and then Hit a Game Winner
~Bear Grylls drinks pee and elephant crap juice
~Marco is pretty good.
~A Few Redsox vids with a Grandy catch, Ortiz, and pissin off a yank fan.
~Some pain with a nutshot and missing the mat
~A large bicycle crash
~A Confused Referee
~A Diplomatic Wrestler
~Slighting an American Hero
~One Cool Hoop Shot, Solid Soccer Skills, Rooney is Back Hatin Cameras and an Array of Lobshots
~Hitler is Upset
~A Moron Backflipping off a Tower
~Fiesta Bowl Ticked off Peterson

Now we can all go back to enjoying real sports...

I don't think I would ever have the aptitude or the desire to pull of these goals if I played professional soccer. Whenever I played as a kid I just wanted to run past everybody and kick the ball as hard as I could. The one with 26 seconds left is the best one.

Oh and don't blame me if the techno makes you start a dance party in your cube.

Courtesy of The Offside

I wonder how they went about convincing this kid that was a good idea. Yo dude you know what would be cool, if you were to do a back flip into a somersault off that tower at the football field. Ya man that would be gnarly, lets go.

Apparently Wayne hates cameras or Americans. Another showing of how soccer players can do things with a ball that Americans really don't contemplate doing.

Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

Dude you just might want to hit the padding and not the track next time. Just another reason why I am glad pole vaulting wasn't on my list of things to do in high school.

You think that was unintentional come on, he just wanted to be more aerodynamic in the final rounds so he could put the hammer down on the poor chap stuck with all that hair on his head.

I think you made the right move dude shaving it all off...

Courtesy of 100% Injury Rate

Think Adrian Peterson didn't jump up and down at this idea when they asked him to do it? I definately didn't see the guy getting snubbed at the line, probably didn't help that I had it on mute and had no idea that Peterson was doing commentary on first watch.

Basically for the uninformed the worst 3 teams in the British Premiership get relegated to the lower division which costs their fans attending games against the best of the best and costs the club millions upon millions of dollar. Well coming into the last weekend of the season Sheffield United needed a draw a win or a loss by West Ham United who was playing the best team in the Premiership Manchester United, and well they got none of the above and were relegated, and I guess one of their fans thought Hitler was the best way to express his disappointment.

Typically these soccer videos consist of some foreign song which if left unmuted leads to shrunken testicles and a feeling of lost manhood. Thankfully someone actually included a solid song with this video to contribute to some sick ballhandling skills in the indoor soccer arena. The last time I played indoor soccer I wound up and kicked some dude straight in the shin full strength which left my foot in pain for multiple weeks.

Courtesy of The Offside

This has no relevance to the current slate of sports, as I Ivanisevic has long since retired and this video is obviously ancient. But personally I think someone botching a guys name continuously is pretty humorous.

Patrick Rafter retired in 2002 and he looks like he was a kid in this vid so I'm guessing that its from the early 90s.

Courtesy of Awful Announcing

Just skip to 1:16 remaining in the video so you can see one bike swerve knock out a dudes front tire forcing him to hit the pavement which corresponds to about 20 other cyclists toppling over as well. I'm pretty sure I'd rather watch NASCAR than watch a stage of the Tour de France which means it equates about as highly as Cricket on my levels of sports hatred.

What Coors you don't like America's Recent Great Hero Joey Chestnut? You disrespect all of Americans by proclaiming that Takeru Kobayashi the re-reversal of fortunator, is still the world's fastest eater. Sorry but his stock is on the down turn, arthritic jaw and all. Joey Chestnut if you run into a Coors exec and would like to ask for an endorsement deal, or would like to kick him in the junk go ahead. America will let you get away with a little assault, as you are on par with Lincoln.

More fun with Asian Game shows. This time instead of over the urine pit like in Human Tetris they force them to spin box over a bridge over scalding water. It's official Asian tv is high comedy.

Courtesy of With Leather from JapanProbe

While everyone is waiting for Michelle Wie to dominate a pro golf tournament be it men or women, they are missing the boat, she already found her true calling last year. And that's at Korean Game Show contests.

Uh and here's another video of her shooting love bullets with a Korean kid, I didn't quite get it, but asian tv is funny so I watched it.

Well not quite yet, but as soon as my grandfather catches wind of the fact that there is an Italian in the league that can actually play than they will get a new fan who's in his low 80s. I'm sure that was the demographic they were looking to hit with the drafting of Marco Belinelli, the Italian American who associates himself with all things Italy and roots for all Italians in pro sports.

Hell, my grandfather became a Yankee fan simply because the Yankees had DiMaggio and Berra and ignored the fact that he lived in central Mass. Thank my lucky stars, else I could have been a Red Sox fan at birth.

Belinelli dropped 37 in a summer league game, good thing my grandfather doesn't read this else, he might already have run out and wasted all his savings on Bellinelli jerseys.

How about squeezed elephant shit juices. This Bear Grylls guy better get paid ridiculously well for the stuff he puts himself through. Can't be much fun drinking your own piss and elephant shit juice. Perhaps he's just testing out recipes for a restaurant he plans on opening in West London. I'll take the Raw Snake with a side of maggots and a shit shake.

Thanks to Buss for Tipping me on the fact that he does shit crazier than drinking his own piss.

Ok so I've slightly dissed Yi the past few days for getting dunked on by Gay and for China not wanting him to play in Milwaukee. But he does seem to have a pretty good turn around J from 15 feet in and he nailed this buzzer beater in summerleague play for the win which is more than you can say for Oden or Durant thus far.

I still stand by my statement that China probably didn't show Yi getting dunked on when they showed highlights of the game there this weekend. On the other hand, this was probably broadcast like no tomorrow.

The basketball equivalent of the Walk th Dog Yo-Yo trick. I wonder if this was the dudes actual intent to have the ball go out the door with him and how long it took him to do it. So many people have a lot of time on their hand.

If there's one thing that would get me annoyed for the remainder of my work day it would be coming into my cubicle and seeing the entirity decorated in Red Sox posters and pictures. So if I do something to annoy you severely here's a simple way to pay me back.

Courtesy of Red Sox Monster

Why doesn't American TV not have gameshows like this completely driven to humiliate their contestants? Am I missing some show that is currently on the air? The Asians really know what to do to make their folks look like idiots.

Arguably my favorite part of this video is the fact that the liquid that they fall into looks like a giant pond of urine.

Courtesy of We Are The Postmen

Honestly, as much as I hate the Red Sox it's pretty hard to dislike Ortiz, he's always goofy and pretty funny in all of these commercials whether it be this one for ESPN or the combined Jorge ESPN spot, or the vitamin water badminton spot he's always funny.

Apparently Big Papi also has a major endorsement with Reebok and they took him into the backyard yesterday of McCovey cove and had him hit balls at some inflatable shoe. I personally just find that fact that he threw his bat unintentionally into the bay during BP funny.

Last week it was the Ultimate Warrior who was a little rambling at times but made the a sufficient argument. Now this video of Kevin Big Sexy Nash, who makes the broadcasters look like absolute idiots and seems to be well spoken enough to run for congress if he so desired.

This makes me glad that I've never turned on Fox News before as these folks are just idiots. Karen Hanretty, have you personal come in contact with anyone who has taking steroids? How the hell do you know whether or not these people often have roid rage. Now on the opposite end Karen, have you ever come across an angry drunk or reported a crime committed by someone who was enraged in a drunken stupor. Honestly, this steroid angle is a bit much.

Courtesy of the Fanhouse

As previously described I've pissed in a lot of spots in my life, sinks, doorknobs, ATO's basement during a party, many places. One place I haven't hit up, my own waterbottle. Ya and I don't think that's going to happen any time soon.

I think Bear Grylls should start a Drink Urine campaign much like that of the drink milk campaign and here's his tagline:

"My sweat can't cool me down, and all I've got to drink is my own urine. If you can't find enough fluids in this heat, you'll die... Drink Urine, it's a lifesaver."

Courtesy of KSK

If I'm talking about NASCAR you know either a major crash happened, something stupid happenned or I found something humurous. Well it was the latter two. This here is Jamie McMurray enjoying a cool refreshing Coca Cola after his win this weekend. So what's the big deal? Well he won the Pepsi 400 meaning that after spending countless dollars on sponsoring a NASCAR race for many year, Pepsi managed to get spit in the face by the winner of their race. Quality. This is how I'd have to imagine the conversation between Pepsi and NASCAR going.

Pepsi: Hi NASCAR

NASCAR: Pepsi how ya been?

Pepsi: Been better...

NASCAR: What yall mean, we just had here the closest dog gone race in the history of NASCAR.

Pepsi: Ya that's f'n super, that Jamie McMurray guy seems like quite the character.

NASCAR: Yup he sure is, what seems to be crawlin up your behind?

Pepsi: Are you god damn serious? Are you that f'n hick and stupid? Did you not see that assclown drinking f'n coke after he won our god damn race. It's our damn race, give him an f'n Pepsi. We should come down to North Carolina and kick you in the god damn testicles, in fact I think we just might get onto our private jet and do that now you dumb redneck bastard. How about next time we give you a boatload of f'n cash to sponsor one of your shit ass boring races that you atleast don't let the showcase winner advertise our main competetor, you piece of trash. How about we sue your ass for negligence?

NASCAR: Um, I'm sor

Pepsi: Shut the F up you dumb hick, I don't want to hear any of your stupid ass excuses. You suck, and you just f'd us in our ass. Why don't you just screw Coke right in front of us. Alright that's it F you we're coming down to NC and punching you square in the jaw. [CLICK]

Tip from 100% Injury Rate

I'm all for getting pissed off after you suck, well unless it leads to you burning your equipment postgame that's just plain nutty, but a little slamming of the door or smashing locker I'm all for it. You should be ticked that you just sucked it up and a little rage on an inanimate object doesn't hurt anyway.

Well I guess there's a case where it does. Mobile BayBears relieve Matt Elliot gave up the game tieing run in the 8th to the Montgomery Biscuits and vented a little bit causing the game to be delayed for 8 minutes. What could possibly delay the game? Well Mr. Elliot went to the bathroom and slammed the door shut with such vigor that the door broke and he was stuck in there. After 8 minutes of attempting to get him the BayBears gave up and sent out a different pitcher who gave up the game winning run. Classic.

Meanwhile, Elliot was stuck on the can for a total of 47 minutes just sitting there and waiting while stadium personal pried at the door. Hopefully for his sake that can, didn't smell anything like the last porto potty I went in, where I think 47 minutes would have resulted in death or at minimum minor brain damage and temporary memory loss.

Courtesy of Deadspin and the Montgomery Advertiser

Back to back weeks with a monday nut shot video to get you into your monday shift at work. This makes me glad that I never attempted to pole vault a single time in my life as these videos seem to pop up all the time.

The Tigers certainly made a point this weekend to tell the world that they should be considered the best team in the American after a 3 game sweep of the Red Sox which consisted of this amazing catch by Curtis Granderson. Maybe they were annoyed by my power rankings cause they finished off before the break with a 5 game winning streak to put themselves a 1/2 game behind the Red Sox for best record in baseball.

So we all know by now that China has no desire to have Yi play in Milwaukee, well will they also have this video banned from being shown in China? Like when they search Gay Yi Jianlian will they only be getting links to weird Chinese Porn instead of this video? My guess is yes.