Drew Rosenhaus: Agent to the A-Holes

Drew Rosenhaus seems like an a-hole. It comes as no surprise that he would represent an eclectic group of atheletes of equal or greater a-holeness. The current Lance Briggs “I like to smash up peoples dream cars” situation sparked my in interest this. I started asking Simon about it, and after some research, this is what I’ve come up with…

First, you can view the Rosenhaus Sports Representation client list here at the never questioned Wikipedia. You can tell by the Superman symbol that they can not only get you an outstanding contract, but can do it faster than a speeding bullet while they leap tall buildings in a single bound. I could go on and on about what a smarmy ass clown this guy is, but I’d rather talk about scumbag idiot athletes. Who knew smarmy was an actual word?

1) Lance Briggs I know he says he “panicked” and abandoned the scene, but I’ve abandoned the scene before and then ate a half jar of peanut butter and waited for the cruiser. Of course I had the luxury of being 150 feet from my front door.

2) Ocho Cinco Did you see his behavior the other day? That was a preseason game, keep that in mind.

3) Ben Brainlikeahamburger As if football wasn’t punishing enough, you have to go out and bust your head up on motorcycle? Concussions will f*ck you up, see Troy Aikman, Trent Green, every boxer in history.

4) Olindo Mare If there is a bigger a-hole, I’ve never seen him.

5) Clinton Portis Defender of dog fighting, endorser of the home stripper pole. Ok, so the home stripper pole is a plus.

6) Warren Sapp My hatred for Sapp runs deeper then any hatred I have for any other athlete. Mostly, I hate that he is a fat mess of a human being and can still make millions being an athlete. That and blindsiding offensive lineman miles behind the play. You can say, “That’s football,” but we all know that it was low down and dirty. Did I mention I hate him?

7) TO I think that’s self explanatory.

Although I haven't included them in this list, lets keep in mind the ridiculous number of holdouts that Rosenhaus has induced. Rosenhaus makes money by bullying and holding out, and I agree with him that the rules are skewed towards the owners/teams and not the players, but I have to agree with Al Thompson on this one. If you’re going to demand fair compensation for over-performance, then you open yourself up to the opposite. In terms of the holding out, that's absolute crap. With the exception of rookies (and that's a stretch because they are unproven) holding out is the highest form of scumbaggery. You signed a contract. In my book that means you've put your word and your honor down on paper for a certain amount of money. Demanding more money at all is a slight on your word and honor at any point during the contract and I won't even talk about one year into the contract.

I believe I’ve made my point here. None of that stuff was very terrible, but everybody on that list is an idiot, with the exception of Mare, who is a complete idiot.

Keep in mind that I would kill myself in ways nobody has ever even imagined to be in Rosenhaus’ shoes at age 42. I guess I’ll have to settle for paying my student loans off by then.