It's Impossible for Jay Mariotti To Not Be a Jackass

Thursday, August 13, 2009

In today's edition of "Hi I'm Jay Mariotti and I'm an Ass", Jay brings up a theoretical discussion of how a mother should treat Rick Pitino after it was revealed that he had sex with a waitress 6 years ago who extorted him into paying thousands of dollars for a made up abortion. And so we begin the Fire Joe Morganing of this dreadful article. I shall play the theoreticl role of what Rick Pitino could respond to the parents after each comment.

Suddenly, inevitably, Mom pops the questions: How can you take care of my son when you, Rick Pitino, acknowledged having sex with a woman at a table inside an Italian restaurant after closing time?

Theoretical Pitino: Because that has nothing to do with how I treat my basketball players.

And how can I respect your morals, Rick Pitino, when a married father of five and a devout Roman Catholic discreetly pays the woman $3,000 because she needed, uh, health insurance to cover an abortion?

TP: I understand your concern, I've made my apologies to god and my family. I hope to never have to give your son $3,000 dollars for a made up abortion.

And why would I send Jimmy to Louisville, Rick Pitino, when you could be fired for cause at any time if the university decides you've violated a contracted morality clause for acts of dishonesty, "moral depravity" or "willful conduct that could objectively be determined to bring public dispute or scandal" during your tenure?

TP: Perhaps because I'm not getting fired and I'm a great basketball coach and that's the real reason you would send him here in the first place. Hell I got Ron Mercer a huge NBA contract.

And now onto just Mariotti's comments...

But no matter how Pitino sweats and spins, the conclusion is that no, he can't survive this, regardless of his standing among the college game's elite coaches. If he were thinking straight, he'd offer his resignation, but he is too combative for a common-sense exit.

TP: And why would I resign for something that was neither illegal nor had anything to do with basketball?

school president James Ramsey, who was aware that Karen Sypher is being accused of trying to extort Pitino but apparently had no idea about the Bottle of Red, Bottle of White sexcapade at Porcini, an upscale restaurant where the "Pitino table" now becomes a Louisville tourist stop.

TP: So I'm bringing the restaurant business, when did this become a bad thing?

The details simply are too scandalous and close-to-home for the school to forgive Pitino and allow him to carry on. I mean, did it ever occur to the man to get a room?

TP: How would it really make it better if it was in a hotel room?

Who has sex in a restaurant after hours, other than maybe college-age bartenders and waitresses?

TP: I'd imagine waitresses and people that own the bar, I bet your sex life sucks.

What coach actually lets the restaurant owner give him the keys and lock the doors when he's finished?

TP: Someone that wants to have sex with a waitress.

Did it occur to Pitino that Porcini might have had a surveillance camera, which could have turned the love romp into the first mass-circulated sex tape featuring a national-title-winning coach?

TP: Not really.

And how humiliating that Pitino's former executive assistant, Vinnie Tatum, testified to the FBI that he was waiting at the restaurant to serve as a designated driver -- the coach had been drinking -- when he heard "the sounds of two people that seemed to be enjoying themselves during a sexual encounter."

TP: Oh darn I used a designated driver. I forgot I should have driven drunk, right?

Protecting his job (Tim Sypher), he said in April of the alleged extortion attempt, "I am devastated by the bizarre allegations that my estranged wife is making against both Coach Pitino and myself." Not surprisingly, Karen Sypher filed for divorce last spring.

TP: Perhaps, his estranged wife is lying about 99% of this shit.

His faith is so important to him, he has a priest and spiritual advisor, the Rev. Edward Bradley, sit on the Louisville bench and travel with the team. Yet even the priest would agree that Pitino is a Grade-A hypocrite.

TP: I'm not going to wind up Saint Pitino. People make mistakes jackass.

And to think Porcini was the place where he always took his wife, Joanne. There's just too much emotional baggage for a mid-sized town in Kentucky to get by all this.

TP: Ya I fucked up, I know I did. Perhaps its up to my wife to forgive me and not you douchebag.

The program will take a step back, and in the not-too-distant future, the coach who was wearing white suits last season will fade away. As he should.

TP: Go Screw

And that is all.

Posted by Simon at 9:16 AM   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

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