SimonOnSports

Yesterday afternoon Awful Announcing explained to everyone how the folks in the Bay Area and Houston were going to be the lone poor chaps to miss out on watching the game of the century. Well not so fast AA. The Raider fans are smarter than you think. Much smarter than you think. According the NFL rules if any NFL franchise does not sell out a home game then the cable companies operating within a 75 mile radius from the stadium will be blocked from showing the game. Currently the game is not a sellout and unless the Raider fans flock to the ticket booths and purchase every last one by 1:15 tomorrow afternoon then the folks within 75 miles of the stadium will unfortunately be barred from watching their Oakland Raiders face off against the illustrious Houston Texans. Taking this punishment in stride, football fans in the Bay Area will instead be forced into watching CBS's coverage of the 8-0 New England Patriots traveling to Indy to face off against the Colts. And all this ti...

So in my humble cubicle I have limited decorations. One of which is the 2007 Green Vomit, I mean New York Jet, calendar . Each month there is one putrid Jet's picture featured. For the month of October, a month where the Jets won no games whatsoever, the featured Jet was? You guessed it Pete Kendall the former Jet left guard that they decided wasn't worth the additional one million dollars this season and was sent packing to the Redskins. Who's laughing now? Certainly not me.

One of my childhood friends went to Colorado after somehow scoring tickets for Game 3 and Game 4 of the World Series and ended up at the same bar as the Sox post game 4. Most of the pics are either him or his younger sis with players so I'm not gonna post those and some are just players walking around the bar, it seems as if they weren't overly rowdy yet. Anyway these are the two that I enjoyed the most. Julio Lugo apparently enjoys the double thumbs up and queer looking hats. That probably explains his .230 batting average this season. And now David Ortiz pissing out the window. ... Ok, he probably is just looking out the window and is doing nothing that cool. However, if he actually was pissing out the window in a crowded bar I might be willing to wear a David Ortiz jersey to a Yankee Red Sox game because it would be that cool.

Wow You Guys Suck: Washington Redskins, We're 4-2 and should be atleast competetive for a few minutes. Nope 52-7 wiped off the face of the planet. They shouldn't have even shown up on sunday. Runners Up: Jets, Dolphins, & Rams all are miserable football teams. Cough Cough Cough: Brian Griese, The Sex Cannon has to be semi-enjoying this from the bench. Griese sucks just as much as he did and that should be a surprise to no one. People of Chicago start scouting college QBs now. Runners Up: Minnesota can start the QB look as well, Kellen Clemens had a stellar substitution throwing 2 INTs in 3 minutes I can't wait for him to start this weekend. This Scarecrow Needs a Brain: Jon Gruden How do you lose a home game to a team with it's third string QB who couldn't throw the ball at all until his final throw of the game. You couldn't stuff the run at all knowing their QB sucked? Runners Up: Mike Shanahan calling a QB draw on 3rd and 1 from the 4 down by 3, th...

People keep on chiming in saying that Joe Girardi is a smart guy, he even got an engineering degree from Northwestern. Wow, isn't that great an engineer. He must be so super smart to be an engineer. I think it's pretty safe to say from personal experience that just cause you are an engineer doesn't mean you make good decisions... That ain't Apple Cyder, thats a gallon of delicious Natty Light which was finished in 12 minutes... Why wipe the black puke off your face when you can savor the flavor... Front teeth are overrated and so are dentists and milk... Naaman apparently enjoys bleeding, or playing the broken broom guitar. Not quite sure... Unfortunately there is no photographic evidence of me urinating on Barret's door knob but regardless being an engineer isn't necessarily a sign of intelligence.

I was born and raised a Celtic fan and have never wavered from that position in my life (other than to additionally cheer on C-Webb). But this year is an odd one. I was saddened by the trade of my favorite Celtic and don't feel any real connection with the current roster given that 2/3 of the team are newly acquired studs that I will never associate with the Celtics. In any other year I would quickly get over this fact. However this year my hatred towards all things Boston has hit its highest point. The Red Sox just won the World Series, which intensely pissed me off. The Patriots are arguably the best football team ever assembled, which is overly depressing. Even BC seems bullet proof. Hell the Bruins even had a hot start. Everything seems to be going Boston's way. Even in college when I was surrounded by Mass fans a Red Sox World Series and multiple Pats Superbowl titles I didn't hate Boston teams this much. Perhaps its the fact that I was mildly sympathetic in 2004...

Wow the NBA is starting up already, is it just me or does this seem incredibly early. NBA East 1. Detroit Pistons, Central Champs - The safe Eastern Conference pick, the record is always good they maintain relatively the same roster and they have the talent to win games. 2. Miami Heat, Southeast Champs - Adding Ricky Davis adds a little crazy, but it also adds energy and talent which should help the Heat once again capture the Southeast crown. 3. Boston Celtics, Atlantic Champs - Three superstars and a lot of unproven players surrounding the Cs, they should be good enough to win the division but they might lag a little behind the Heat and Pistons to start the year. 4. Chicago Bulls - The Bulls are team rumor #1 for picking up Kobe, either way the Bulls have the talent to put up a good record this season. 5. New Jersey Nets - The Nets are a borderline team for me, if they all are healthy they should end up pushing the Celtics for the division crown, if Jefferson Carter or Kidd get inju...

Well, the Sox are the World Champs again. I may take a bunch of crap for this, but you know what, it’s really just not that exciting compared to 2004. I was at a concert Sunday night in Portland, got back to my buddy’s apartment late, watched Kielty hit the homerun, and you know what I did? Got in the car and started driving home. I was fine with listening to the Sox win the World Series on the radio, and not just because Miller and Morgan are like listening to angels sing compared to McCarver and Buck. And here’s why. For starters, the Sox pulled off the improbable comeback in the ALCS again. That was the exciting series. Young guys were coming up huge when they needed to and Beckett saved the season in game 5. I will say this, the Sox looked dead in the water in that series, then they started having fun again when they had nothing to lose, and the next thing you know Youk is sporting oven mitts in the dugout during the World Series. Second, we didn’t have to go through the Ya...

You know your not a very strong football team when you trample your cheerleader and she walks off unhurt. Their run defense must be similar to the New York Jets. Courtesy of With Leather

Remember this is all about Quality Wins and Bad Losses so if you lose to a top ranked team its not going to kill you, if you lose to Appalachian St. in the opener it will haunt you the entire season. 1. Louisiana State - An off week does a little bit to depreciate the LSU holding of the #1 spot in the poll. VaTech, the Cocks and Florida all lost. Additionally Kentucky fell for the 2nd consecutive week. The Bama matchup this weekend will help fortify their standing. Quality Wins: VaTech, South Carolina, Florida, Auburn 2. Oregon - One fumble at the goal line and they would be the #1 team in the country. Now they sit with wins over two perennial Rose Bowl squads. A win vs. Arizona St. will push them to the cusp of the #1 1 loss squad in the country. Quality Wins: @Michigan, USC 3. Oklahoma - The Sooners should be on cruise control until the Big 12 finals. However, with their not so stellar performance against Iowa St. and the trends thus far this season they better stay on thei...

1. Talk to the hand cause the face ain't listenin. 2. Coach asked for more Sass during today's game. 3. I have five fingers, five beautiful little fingers that you will not be touching anytime soon sir. 1. I can't believe my boyfriend is wearing Jorts right now. 2. I should have stayed in the parking lot for a few more quarters and had a few more cocktails, that way instead of being depressed right now I would be throwing up in the stall and have no idea what went on. 3. Me laying Tebow is not as cool as I had imagined 3 hours ago. 1. Here at NC State we pride ourselves on having eyes. 2. We won a game I can't believe we actually won a game. 3. Coach kept on telling us that it sucked that he left BC and how BC was great and how this was the dumbest decision he ever made and that got me thinking maybe we should beat Virginia so we could leave BC as the only undefeated ACC team. 1. This would be so much funnier if it was lemon lime Gatorade. 2. Woo, I beat the Gators, I ...

You do not give Iron Mike an Omelet with only 2 eggs, the omelets must have 3 eggs with decadent cheese, sausage, peppers and bacon or he will bite your ear off.

The 8th inning of the potential last game of the World Series. This is when Scott Boras decides he would like to break the news to the World that his prized client is opting out of his contract. The 8th inning of a World Series game. What an attention whore. Not only do we get the simple announcement but we even were lucky enough to get a generic bullshit statement about how the flux of the Yankees organization is behind the opt out, instead of anything closely resembling the truth. One would have hoped that FOX would have been above all of this garbage. Told Scott to go shove his news up his ass and focus on the fact that a game was being played, a game which should be the showcase of baseball, a game that deserves the entire attention of the broadcast team. Instead, we get this garbage, and instead of focusing on the game at hand we get a conversation between Sideline Ken, Buckers and McCarver. What an all around disgrace. Shame on Scott Boras for once again proving how gree...

No serious crimes this week again, which is nice, but again proves that you don't need to go to jail for a long time to be a complete waste of life. 1. Stan Vaughn - Those 1st base, 2nd base etc. sex talks were life changing in 3rd grade. However in high school I think the lingo changed a bit, and I'm pretty sure that you understand what the hell everything is and where stuff can and can't go. But I guess principals in Kansas think Saving 2nd Base t-shirts are too inappropriate for the youth of their community. And who really cares about raising money for breast cancer anyway right? 2. Hank Steinbrenner - Apparently it didn't take very long for another Steinbrenner to start saying dumb things to the media. Yes, we all understand that you thought Joe should make the World Series next year and if he didn't he would have not gotten a contract. So why when talking about hiring a new manager do you ask your fan base for patience and say that they are not the 96 Yan...

I feel the mediocre results already. 5. Houston Texans (+10 1/2) vs. San Diego Chargers Chances are the Chargers are very distracted this week with the massive fire which has engulfed much of the community. Additionally this game could end up being played in the state of Texas. Maybe it's not quite the most heartfelt pick ever made, but it's about winning imaginary money. 4. Detroit Lions (+5 1/2) at Chicago Bears Remember a couple of weeks back when the Lions scored 34 friggin points on the Bears in the 4th quarter? Um 5 1/2 points? The Bears aren't a very good team, and apparently it's taking people way too long to realize this fact. 3. Jacksonville Jaguars (+4 1/2) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers Anytime the Bucs are giving the opponent more than a field goal I will contemplate taking the opposition. When they are giving 4 1/2 points to a 4-2 team from the AFC it's pretty much a no brainer. There is no way the Bucs go out and win by more than a FG. 2. New York Je...

Everyone needs something to keep them occupied on Friday afternoons so the Friday Video Blowout was born. Spend your next few minutes, laughing, crying of laughter, pissing your self, whatever, but mostly wasting your companies time. Videos, in order, courtesy of EDSBS , Red Sox Monster , Off Wing Opinion , Who Ate All the Pies , Campus Clicks , EC , Fanhouse Apparently the Auburn lineman do not want Dorsey to be the #1 pick in the draft. Yep Kevin you were just rooting for a good game. Not rooting for the Sox at all. This received the maximum NHL fine? And that maximum is 2,500? Both Weak. Nothing says great MLS goals like some gay female pop song. Video Best Viewed On Mute. R.I.P. Brutus... Why is Royce Clayton on the bench again? Clean up at the blue line.

It's the Bottom of the 9th you've just downed the last of the 4 beers you bought at assorted stands in the park right before last call. You're bladder is ready to burst like the staples in Charlie Weis's stomach. But you don't want to move, you're team is down by one with runners at the corners and one out. If you hustle to the bathrroom you might miss the entire game. You won't be able to celebrate with your buddies and punch that rival fan a few rows down. What is there to do? Hold it and you could end up dripping urine out of your shorts run to the bathroom and you could miss the enjoyment of that rival fan lying on the ground crying. Well fear not young drunkard, your problem is now solved thanks to the ingenious ideas of Austrians. Introducing the Roadbag , your portable and disposable urinal. Just duck down and pull the road bag out of your pocket and start your pissin. The Roadbag contains amazingly powerful crystals which turn your urine int...

"Mrs. Hurdle, Are you saying we have to throw it over the plate and at a certain height? I don't get it. That sounds really hard."

I'm going SEC free Big 5 this week. I understand the cocktail party is this weekend, but I fully expect the Gators to maul the Bulldogs. 5. South Florida Bulls at Uconn Huskies FraudConn picked up another illegitimate win last week after they were granted a td they didn't deserve. So now 7 games into the season they are 6-1 and lead the Big East Conference. If somehow they can manage to cheat their way to victory yet again, who knows maybe they could sneak into the BCS. The Pick: No Chance, the Bulls expose FraudConn for what they are, a mediocre team. 4. California Bears at Arizona St. Sun Devils The Sun Devils start out the Big 5s countdown of undefeated teams who this weekend will face their first legit opponent. The Sun Devils have defeated mediocre Oregon St. and Colorado this season. Despite the fact that Cal is reeling they and lost to the Beavers themselves, they are a more talented squad. The Pick: Something tells me the Sun Devils fall at a later time. 3. Ohio Sta...

I already made my bed and picked the Red Sox over the Rockies, so unfortunately I'm going to stick to my guns. Here are some quick reasons why the Red Sox are going to win the season. 1. Simple, Josh Beckett. Why did the Red Sox beat the Indians? Josh Beckett. Sure they won game 6 and 7 without him but, without Beckett Manny would be who caring at the beach right now. 2. Manny Corpas has been great since taking over the closers role, but he most certainly does not have Papelbon's dance moves or intimidating stare down. 3. After Beckett, the Red Sox have an advantage at the remaining 3 starters in the rotation. Jimenez has great stuff but Schilling is an elite postseason pitcher despite his age. Fogg and Dice-K both are mediocre but Dice-K has better stuff. And Lester was lights out in the ALCS while Cook is coming off months of being on the DL. 4. The Sox have World Series experience oozing out of their key players, Beckett, Schilling, Ortiz, Manny, V-tek, etc. meanwhile ...

View Larger Table Let's again preface this with the fact that I am an avid Michigan fan and in most years hype up the Big 10. However this year it's impossible they are terrible. I updated the table from last week and have a few additional points. 1-AA Losses: Thanks to good ole Minnesota this weekend the Big 10 has 2 losses to 1-AA teams. That is an accomplishment which may never be repeated by another BCS conference. Schedule 'cupcakes' and lose them. Phenomenal. Deceiving 5-4 BCS Record: Missouri and Oregon look better and better each weak, but they won their games against the Big 10 so that doesn't say anything very positive about the Big 10. Meanwhile their wins came against the combine 4-11 Washington squads, 2 wins against the Cuse, and a win against Wanny's crew. All bad teams. Throw in some nice losses to Duke and Iowa St. and the BCS record is actually ugly. MAC Cake Walk: What would the Big 10 be without the MAC this season? Every team in th...

The Degrees of Loss Separation is a simple concept, I go out and find a highly rated team with some losses playing against a crappy team with lots of losses. Next I find a chain of losses which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt (not at all) that the underdog is going to pull the major upset and storm the field. The Final Outcome is calculated simply: Add up the scores of the losers, add up the scores of the winners in the degrees of loss separation and divide both by the # of degrees. The Game: Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. Kentucky Wildcats There will be many more games on your college football radar this weekend, including the SEC Cocktail Party in Jax, than the matchup of SEC opponents in Lexington. However, this is a big matchup for Kentucky. If they win no one will think twice, voters will continue to see them as a legit team and continue to vote them high in their polls. However, if they lose the victory over LSU will be thought more and more like a fluke game. 3º of Loss Se...

Pretty simple, all you need is a pair of Jorts and a custom I (Heart) T (Bow) shirt and wallah you are a Florida Gators fan. If you want to be an overachiever you can even get Florida Gator Jorts as shown.

Tom Brady is better than Peyton Manning. See I don't have a problem saying it. Tom Brady, the man I wish only bad things towards, is a better quarterback than Peyton Manning and everyone else.. I don't think that was very difficult. 3 Superbowls to 1. A better postseason track record. And now that he has comparable weaponry on the offensive end he's putting up superior numbers. Everything really leans towards Tom Brady. Yet, if you've listened to Mike and Mike in the morning or watched ESPN the past few weeks apparently people are afraid of having an opinion. Steve Young, nope didn't want to answer. Phil Simms on Mike and Mike this morning? Nope refused to answer. Mike Ditka, Bill Parcells, Ron Jaworski? Nope, Nope, Nope. Everyone refuses to have an opinion on the subject. Isn't that what they get paid for? Even Mike Golic can't give a straight answer saying that Brady is better now but Manning is better overall. What the hell does that mean M...

The kick coming from off the screen makes this video so much more effective. I can just imagine David Beckham off camera pondering to himself I would love to smash the ball into this kids face. And then rolling on the ground in laughter afterwards.

Wow You Guys Suck: St. Louis Rams Offensive Line, When you're being compared to the offensive lines of the Houston Texans during the David Carr era, you know that you are an atrocious unit. I understand Orlando Pace being hurt is a killer, but you guys still have Tory Holt, Marc Bulger and Steven Jackson. You should be able to put up some points. Runners Up: The Jets Overall Defense & The Dolphins Secondary were pretty pathetic. Cough Cough Cough: Jeff Garcia, For some dumb reason QB rating doesn't include fumbles, so Jeff Garcia looks like he had a diesel 316 yard 2 td performance with a superb QB rating. But the two fumbles he lost completely cost his team the game. Runners Up: Mr. Culpepper throwing an INT while driving for the go ahead FG, Steelers D couldn't hold up Cutler in the closing seconds. This Scarecrow Needs a Brain: Brad Childress, I don't know how anybody could make this any clearer to Brad Childress but week after week he doesn't listen. ...

Everyone knows the fantasy football boning. It's when you have a superb week, one of the tops in the league and yet you lose because you faced one team that had a juggernaut week. Well my ass is sore because I've received the fantasy boning in back to back weeks. Both weeks I put up the 3rd most points in the league, meaning if I faced every other team, I would have won 7 matchups and lost two. Only problem is both weeks I faced a team that put up a ludicrous amount of points and now I sit at 2-5. Ookie's Puppies are not happy. Seriously Kenny Watson put up 30+ points against me... the luck isn't quite the same as it was in baseball .

The immortal Drew Henson is the first entrant into the Hall of the Over-Hyped. Henson is an appropriate inaugural entrant as his over-hyping came in multiple sports at multiple levels. Michigan Credentials The Over-Hyping began at the University of Michigan. A High School legend in the state of Michigan, Drew Henson was wanted by many fans to start over the Californian upperclassman starting quarterback. That quarterback, just so happened to be Tom Brady, on track to becoming the greatest QB in NFL history. Additionally Brady during his senior year lead the Wolverines to a 10-2 record including victories over the Buckeyes and a Bowl win, while throwing 20 tds to 6 ints . Henson in his final year at QB finished with 18 tds to 4 ints with wins over the Buckeyes and a Bowl win as well. However, the Wolverines finished the season at 9-3 and lost to Northwestern that season. Both players entered their respective NFL drafts with similar stats with the difference being Henson had de...

When watching tennis tournaments on tv, sometime I honestly do find enjoyment in the little kids running up and down the court like robots picking up the balls and tossing them to the players. The occasions where they get struck with the ball also leads to some enjoyment. But they're really nothing special to look at, just thoughtless chlidren really. Well at the Madrid Masters , for atleast one match, they have improved the situation as you can certainly see. Instead of children run around like tennis slaves, they now have models running around the court and picking up the light green balls. Therefore if you ever get bored of watching sweaty men run around the court in tight shorts or capri pants and feel a little less hetero, you can simply glance to towards the net, see some nice jugs and feel a lot more like a man. Well done Spain, well done. Apparently the additional breasts were a bit distracting to Roger Federer as he actually lost in the tournament finals against Davi...

Here's a long awaited rebus. Remember the rules are... Winner is the first to identify the associated person, place or thing in the comments section. The Ultimate winner is the person who manages to put together what all the clues and answer is. I will post the answers sometime later if this isn't accomplished. So start your guessin...