Sunday, November 22, 2009
I think we all know that Charlie Weis is getting the boot after this season because Jesus is pissed off with the lack of Notre Dame production and Jesus takes his football very very seriously. So whom will Jesus choose as the next coach? The amount of people available are plentiful. But the amount of people qualified are so few. Here's a list of the ten people who Notre Dame should ask to coach their team.
10. Bill Belichick
Qualifications: 3 Super Bowl Championships as a Head Coach 2 as a D-Coordinator, arguably the best coach in football history.
Weakness: Has he won a single college championship? No. And he's way way too close to the FUPA. He would just be FUPA 2.
Verdict: The Belicheat is out. Notre Dame deserves someone FUPA free.
9. Herman Boone
Qualifications: He's that High School coach that they made Remember the Titans about.
Weakness: Did they mention anything about academics in that movie? It seems like all of his players were pretty dumb. Dumb players don't cut it at Notre Dame, they need to be smart and win football games.
Verdict: All those High School accolades and no advancement to college or the pros? I question his drive. Not good enough for ND.
8. Brian Cowen
Qualifications: Taoiseach, essentially the Irish Prime Minister aka the leader of their government.
Weakness: Does this man not look like a complete doofus? There's no possible way he could lead young men on a football field. Additionally he just might be fatter than Charlie Weis. Notre Dame can't have another guy running around the sidelines with staples in his stomach.
Verdict: Not even close to good enough
7. William Wallace
Qualifications: Led the greatest Scottish revolution ever. He obviously can motivate. And he'd be pretty solid at intimidating his own players into playing well.
Weakness: Not Irish, he's Scottish.
Verdict: If only he was Irish he'd be perfect but he's not, he's a dirty Scotsman and Notre Dame isn't the Fighting Scots.
6. Barack Obama
Qualifications: The president of the United States of America. He obviously can lead men and give a good speech.
Weakness: Doesn't quite look like a football player. Always talks about how much he loves basketball and how he plays pick up games. I think he might be a bit wussy to be a football coach.
Verdict: Basketball < Football
5. Bear Bryant
Qualifications: Won the Most College National Championships of any coach in the history of the sport.
Weakness: Well he's dead. But Jesus can fix that. His biggest weakness is that he couldn't even get to double digit National Championships won. That's pathetic. Notre Dame is looking to win consecutive championships from 2010 - 2033.
Verdict: A houndstooth hat of green and gold would look quite nice, but he's not going to win 20 consecutive titles, and he's dead, so not good enough.
4. Knute Rockne
Qualifications: Won 6 National Championships with Notre Dame and had a career record of 105-12-5
Weakness: Dead and he barely passed the ball back then. Notre Dame is not going back to option football.
Verdict: Why live in the past? It's time to build the future.
3. Vince Lombardi
Qualifications: Arguably the best football coach of all time. Won three Super Bowls and more NFL Championships.
Weakness: Never was a head coach in college. Hist experience as a college coach was at the military academy. Would he be able to recruit?
Verdict: Notre Dame isn't just football, it's about football with academics with Jesus.
2. Pope Benedict XVI
Qualifications: Leader of all Catholics. Probably would be good at communicating to Jesus and getting all of the favorable calls.
Weakness: How exactly is this man going to recruit the projects?
Verdict: Notre Dame needs to recruit.
1. Jesus Himself
Qualifications: He's the Son of God, He can turn water into wine which would be very beneficial in the game of football. Turn the opponents gatorade jugs into highly potent alcohol and the squad should have an incredible advantage.
Weakness: Jesus has no weakness.
Verdict: Truly the only option. Notre Dame needs Jesus to coach this team. Any other signing would be a massive disappointment.