SimonOnSports

Thank the good lord that VS has now been moved to my basic cable package. I would have had nothing to watch had it not been for Versus offering me the option of watching Girls High School Basketball. Thank You Versus.

I'm doing a Year in Review. Why? Because I can. The Only Live Blog I have ever done. It included a lot of Joakim Noah hate. [ April 2nd ] Giving some explanation to why Noah sucks. [ April 3rd ] Arod joins my good graces. Why? Because he started wearing high socks. [ April 3rd ] Mets fans were talking a big game in April. Not so much late September. [ April 10th ] Sometimes those open layups are tough. [ April 22nd ]

I'm doing a Year in Review. Why? Because I can. Greg Maddux urinates on teammates in the shower. That's his performance enhancer. [ Mar 5th ] My tracking of the Celtics Draft Positioning was in full force. [ Mar 6th ] A Brazlian Newspaper lied and said that Brady knocked up Gisele. [ Mar 8th ] I Busted out My NIT Bracket... It Sucked [ Mar 12th ] I rounded out My Final 4 bracket... It Marginally Sucked [ Mar 14th ] Max Kellerman Had a Killer Animal Tournament... My bracket sucked. [ Mar 15th ] Stupid shoes to 'honor' Red. [ Mar 15th ] The Celtics pretty much officially tanked a game. [ Mar 22nd ] I went 0 for in picking MLB Awards. Including the joking pick of Carl Pavano as comeback player of the year. Ha. [ Mar 30th ]

I'm doing a Year in Review. Why? Because I can. Mike Greenberg suggests a stupid adjustment to the NBA Draft Process. [ Feb 7th ] Duke lost 4 games in a row. [ Feb 12th ] Schottenheimer gets shit canned. [ Feb 13th ] I moderately overestimated Dice-K's Rookie Year Stats. [ Feb 16th ] Bridget lets the boat know she's preggers. [ Feb 19th ] Dominic Rhodes pissed himself after a DWI bust. [ Feb 23rd ] Get your Hepatitis at SI's Swimsuit Party. [ Feb 28th ]

I'm doing a Year in Review. Why? Because I can. The BCS Title Game Sucked Dong [ Jan 9th ] Jason Kidd got the ole heave ho from the wife ending the free throw kiss era. [ Jan 10th ] ESPN Shit Canned Stephen A's Show which was obviously a good move. [ Jan 12th ] Reche Brought you his best O Face [ Jan 22nd ] I suggested that Ray Allen and KG were amongst the top 5 NBAers in need of a change of scenery. Little did I know that meant the Cs a few months later. [ Jan 25th ] Barbaro was Euthanized on my birthday, happy birthday me. [ Jan 29th ] Trying to Buy Yankee Tickets is a Pain in the Assholes [ Jan 31st ]

After a week on the Mitchell report it's back to some normal voting on normal scum bags. 1. Ronnie Stack - So I understand the frustration of your team losing and god only knows what I would have been like had the Jets lost to the Dolphins, could have actually morphed into the joy of locking up the 2nd pick who knows, but I would never do what this idiot is doing. Why? Cause I have atleast somewhat of a life. What kind of ass decides he's not going to leave the roof of the bar until his favorite team wins. I hope you get a nice snow storm sometime soon. 2. New York Knicks - Once again the Knicks are attempting to separate themselves from the sane. Freedom of speech does not exist in MSG. Make a fire Isiah sign or start chanting fire isiah and you will be shown the exit. Which would be perfectly ok if you were reimbursed for the ticket charge. In fact why don't they just have a website where you can get reimbursed for your ticket if you plan on heckling Isiah. 3. Jo...

I don't have any time to do this and I forgot to make my picks yesterday, god damn thursday night game, but I would have picked the Steelers to cover so I'll give my self a 1/2 point. Eh whatever I'm taking credit for the whole thing. No suggestions this week, and probably nobody cares. Spread Picks Non Spread Picks

Everyone needs something to keep them occupied on Friday afternoons so the Friday Video Blowout was born. Spend your next few minutes, laughing, crying of laughter, pissing your self, whatever, but mostly wasting your companies time. Videos In Order Courtesy of Black20 , EC , With Malice , With Malice again, CGB , Adult Swim , AA , Fanhouse , Fanhouse again, Hot Clicks Nooooo Not Kelly Leak. Good ole fashion old man beating a younger stronger dude. I enjoyed the head stomping, it reminded me of American History X. This lucky bastard ( With Malice ) lives in Japan so he gets this stuff daily. West Virginians might have to look in the mirror and wonder why the hell would Rodriguez want to stay. Carl and Paxton Crawford apparently are not close. I would be dancing too, probably just to keep warm it frigid Wisconsin. Eddie might not have the best eyes on the planet. This must have been post game. Poor Isiah gets no lovin.

Sorry for the hiatus, I've been busy. And by busy I mean lazy. Doubt you missed me anyway. In case you haven’t caught this, a family in Northern California got lost for several days in a heavy snow storm. That’s right, a father, an 18 year old boy, and two teenage girls managed to get themselves so hopelessly lost that they needed rescuing. One would assume that they were on some 20 mile wilderness hike, or camping in some remote location. And one would be wrong. They went out to find a Christmas tree for the family. I’ve got several problems with this, the first being how the hell do you get lost trying to find a Christmas tree? I’m pretty sure that at 18 years old you could have put me at the edge of the woods with a saw, and told me to go get a Christmas tree I would have pulled it off. At the very least I would have made it back, tree or not. And I assume the dad has been around the block a few more times than the kid. The kids should be fairly happy about this though...

Seriously do we need for players to come out and give their admittance or denials for the Mitchell Report. You're in there for a reason; most of us, maybe not people from West Virginia, have the ability to read. The ability to read allows us to come to the conclusion that you did something, but we should be intelligent enough to know that you're not the only one. And yet the comments have been pooring in this past week. The people who come out and admit to the usage (Pettite, Roberts, Vina) always have one caveat. I only took it for so many times and then I realized it wasn't for me. Or I took it so that I could heal and be on the team. Or in Vina's case he didn't take steroids because that's not what type of player he was. Cause being able to hit hard line drives instead of soft liners doesn't make a difference in baseball. Hell in Roberts' case everyone was damning the Mitchell Report for including him and for some reason he felt obliged to con...

You have the ball in a tie game with 5.2 seconds left coming out of a timeout. Your options should be win or go to overtime. As a coach there is no way you should lose the game. If your team loses the game in regulation it should be completely put on your shoulders. I'm not going to kill him for either of the failed decisions but the results are what matters. I understand giving the ball to Pierce on the final possession, I don't like it, but I understand it. He's the 'clutch' guy, apparently he's the man for the final second. He had an off night and probably wasn't the best option but I'll get over the decision to give him the shot. However, not instructing him to take his dumb fade away jumper when there was under a second in regulation was completely idiotic. The next decision to put in Tony Allen was questionable but not terrible. House isn't a good defender and Rondo was getting abused downlow by Billups, so putting in the athletic Alle...

Speaking of ESPN Bowl Mania, they couldn't get a sponsor for their game? Every meaningless bowl game is sponsored by someone yet their Bowl Pick 'Em which will probably be viewed as much as the GMAC or Independence or Poinsettia Bowl couldn't get a better sponsorship than the NBA on ESPN? That's pretty pathetic.

The Bowls are right around the corner and since I'm doing such a horrible job with my NFL picks this season perhaps I'm due a little bit of luck. Also if you care to defeat me in Bowl Pick 'Em probably not a difficult task you can join my league ' Can't Spell Lloyd without 2 Ls ' at ESPN. Anyway here's one sentence reasons why I picked each game. San Diego Bowl: Utah over Navy cause the Midshipman Coach decided to bail ship. New Orleans Bowl: Florida A&T over Memphis cause they are from Florida, thats it. PapaJohns Bowl: Cincinnati over Southern Miss cause the Bearcats didn't get their coach stolen by Michigan. New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico over Nevada cause nothing says homefield like having the same name as the bowl game. Las Vegas Bowl: BYU over UCLA cause UCLA lost to Notre Dame. Hawaii Bowl: Boise St. over East Carolina cause the powers extend past the smurf turf. Motor City Bowl: Central Michigan over Purdon't cause the MAC owns the Big...

Deadspin had this beauty of a T-Shirt Yesterday . I made a few enhancements.

This season the NBA has listened to one of my many thoguht and has started to track a players +/- during the course of individual games. Due to my dislike of Brian Scalabrine, I am going to track he's performance in a weekly post called The Scalabrine Watch. 3 Million a year for what? Celtics 90 Kings 78: -5 Scals got double digit minutes against the Kings and man did he take advantage of it. 2 free throws and one steal. An Epic performance. Game Stats: 10 Minutes, 0-2, 2 Points, 0 Rebounds, 1 Steal, 0 Assists Celtics 104 Bucks 82: -4 The Bucks somehow managed to stifle Scals from the field and shut him out completely. You really have to credit the Bucks for focusing on stopping the main weapon. Kind of similar to what the 49ers did in their loss to the Vikings when they held Peterson to 3 yards rushing. Game Stats: 8 Minutes, 0-1, 0 Points, 0 Rebounds, 1 Assist Celtics 90 Raptors 77: -5 Scals got those essential 2 points in the Celtics 90-77 victory over the Toronto Raptors. Wh...

Sometimes you just gotta throw stuff on the field. Like lit flares, giant chunks of ice and dead animals. You gotta do what you gotta do. That delay lasted about 10 seconds for jagged ice balls. Why couldn't they have hit Justin McCareins in his useless hands ? Apparently the Patriots hit Phil during the tuck rule game. They should have hit him harder, cause he still sucks up to them. Throw the ball back or Derek Lee gets frustrated and wants to hit tall white guys. Jet Fans typically make paper planes and attempt to throw them on the field. We suck . I always enjoyed the Octopus throw by the Red Wings. The Top 10 moments, and Dida getting hit in the head isn't number 1? Well he is a soccer player with terrible acting skills so perhaps he embellished it a bit.

Sorry boys and gals but the ole production here may be on a bit of a decline for the next two weeks. Because I haven't taken many of my vacation days this year and they evaporate at the end of the year my last day of work for 07 is manana. Today I'm studying for a final I'm probably gonna bomb anyway, so hence the no production today. Anyway there should be posts a plenty tomorrow, the typical Weekly Waste, and Video Blowouts on friday and a review of each months best/most interesting posts/stories and a sporadic post here and there if I get time. Otherwise there won't be too much here. Anyway here I'm sitting here studying at home right now and have the TV on and one of those made for tv ads come on. It's for a plastic piece of garbage that you can put your laptop on for a mild incline, so its more ergonomic or whatever. It costs 20 bucks, it probably costs 50 cents to make. So god damn stupid. Porta Book

With Justin's demeanor on the football field it would be surprising if he didn't absolutely love Jewell. See if you can find Justin's hands in the video my guess is they are probably ones that are brittle and not built to maintain contact with pigskin.

Appalachian St. throttled Delaware in the Division 1-AA Football Championship Subdivision of Continental America to give themselves that trademarked threepeat. That puts the season total at App St. 2 Winged Helmets Zero . And to add insult to defeat the Blue Hens returned a kick for a touchdown and then the returner proceeded to drill a security guard in celebration. Quite classy.

If you were smart enough to draft Tom Brady this year in your fantasy league than chances are you were bragging to all of your buddies during the first 13 weeks of the year. You had five touchdowns a week, you had Tom Brady in the Fantasy Playoffs motivated facing the New York Jets in the semifinals and the inept Dolphins in the finals. He was going to throw 5 touchdowns in both games and you were going to ride the Brady wave directly to the cash. He was far away the best player in the league. Or so you would have thought. Instead what you got was the 27th most points put up by a quarterback this week. 14 Completions for a modest 140 yards plus one interception. The list of quarterbacks that put up more points than Tom consists of well, just about everybody because only 30 QBs have suited up so far. The immortal Todd Collins put up fractionally more points than Tom since he didn't throw any interceptions. Have Cleo Lemon on your bench for some reason? He threw for 165 more yards t...

1. You got your win, so are you satisfied with your Christmas gift? 2. Cleo Lemon = Santa Claus, Brian Billick = The Grinch 3. Your parents must be pretty releaved that they no longer have to spend any money on you. Perhaps they'll send Cam and the boys a thank you card. 1. Why does Chad have no arm? 2. Why is it raining, it's so damn cold? 3. Why can't McCareins catch the ball? 4. Why does my team suck? 5. Why couldn't we have broken Tom's ankle? 1. Jessica will you marry me? 2. On second thought maybe you should stop coming to my games. 3. And maybe stop seeing me period. Do you have Carrie Underwood's number? I lost it. 1. I am definitely too old for this. 2. Am I wearing Zubaz pants? 3. My grandchildren are all ashamed of me. 1. This thing smells like feet. 2. The water cannot not touch my skin or I will melt. 3. Hahaha I know that bastard McCareins has no hands and didn't catch that ball. Eric "Hey Bill you look slender right now? Did you start die...

Even the Patriots were petrified of No Hands McCareins.

Does anybody in the league consistantly drop balls like Justin McCareins? Way to bobble away that easy touchdown catch. Not to mention another easy dropped catch earlier in the game plus the inability to make contact with a punt inside the five. You should have been a Dback.

I'm sorry but your entry into Team Asia has been denied. You obviously would lose a battle to both Samari and Ninja. You sir are certainly a fake asian or fakasian or fasian, don't know what sounds better.

Here's a long awaited rebus. Remember the rules are... Winner is the first to identify the associated person, place or thing in the comments section. The Ultimate winner is the person who manages to put together what all the clues and answer is. I will post the answers sometime later if this isn't accomplished. So start your guessin... Furthermore I think I might start a distribution list for when I do any more rebuses in the future, that way everyone is on an even playing field as to when it starts. If you want on this list just send me an email.

8-8 you can book it. Already 0-1. So what the hell let's just make this the road favorite edition of the pick suggestions. 5. Cincinnati Bengals (-8 1/2) at San Francisco 49ers The 49ers suck. Cincy isn't a very good team but the 49ers are terrible. They are playing with their 3rd string QB now and even against the Bengals miserable defense they won't be able to put up any points. 4. Seattle Seahawks (-7 1/2) at Carolina Panthers The Panthers suck. The Seahawks are competing for the #3 spot and while that has limited motivation they should want to continue playing well and defeating the Panthers easily should not be a problem. 3. Baltimore Ravens (-4 1/2) at Miami Dolphins The Dolphins suck. So do the Ravens, but not as much. This is Miami's last good chance to win a game and it will end not so well for them. They're offense is going to score 10 or less points, so their defense better play superbly. 2. Tennessee Titans (-3 1/2) at Kansas City Chiefs The Ch...

Everyone needs something to keep them occupied on Friday afternoons so the Friday Video Blowout was born. Spend your next few minutes, laughing, crying of laughter, pissing your self, whatever, but mostly wasting your companies time. Videos In Order Courtesy of me, With Leather , Me, Who Ate All the Pies , EDSBS , The Offside , Who Ate All the Pies , AA , 100% IR , The Postmen , The Sporting Blog I miss you Dave Chappelle. Once again the Asians are brilliant. Talk about a stupid celebration, Chad Johnson wouldn't even fall to this depth. Just in case you couldn't tell, they're scoring for the wrong team. This needs to be updated... Kicking the ball straight up in the air was probably a bad decision. Even backyard footballers have no scrotum. Ya you here that Mike, avoid the fried chicken. Hatin on Fat People is fun. Might want to put down that last beer and hit a gym. And a finishing word from Carl.

Well since this is the biggest story of the week by a landslide, let's just do a little Mitchell Report Themed Weekly Waste of Oxygen. There's plenty of people who obviously suck. 1. Players Association - This report in reality accomplished little to nothing. They only additional names this report dug up were from Radomski and in reality you know that sooner or later they would have just bubbled to the surface anyway. For the most part the Players Association is to blame for this. They refused all cooperation even if they were 100% clean of wrong doing, their unwillingness to do any ratting just meant that this was for the most part a waste of time and money. 2. Roger Clemens - He's the #1 target in this report and he has the most to lose after the report. He's often been described as the best pitcher of this generation if not the best pitcher of all time and now with this report and 1st hand experience of steroid injections he's no better than Barry Bonds. ...

~The Friggin thing is one big citation. Every single page is practically half footnotes. Also, do they know how to create a PDF? Is it that hard to link up the damn table of contents so you can click on a topic and it will bring you directly to that point. I guess they couldn't afford the 20 extra minutes of formatting this would have taken. Anyway the way the document is put together it looks like a 5th grader did it. Now I guess onto its contents. ~Did we need the rehashing of all the BALCO stuff we already knew? Or the HGH shipments to Ankiel, Glaus, Matthews Jr. etc. that we already knew? ~In Reality this report is BALCO, Radomski, the Segui household and the Internet HGH scandal it barely scrapes the surface of the steroid era. They really have two suppliers (BALCO & Radomski) and their users to think that there were only two suppliers in major league baseball is ridiculous. ~I wonder how much money Radomski made dealing. Probably a decent chunk of change. ~Nook L...

Once again a Quick Hitters Version. Each # is associated to a person, place or thing. The entire Rebus is set under a given theme. Post the answers in the comments for both each entry and the theme. This one has another person, place or thing associated with each answer under the them. Got a question email me, else have at it.

The Falcons had a lot of bad things to say about good ole Bobby which included Joey Harrington saying that's not what a man does. Perhaps Joey should rethink insulting anybody, it's not as if he holds the greatest of track records.

ESPN came out this morning, apparently couldn't wait a few hours for the official report, and threw Clemens name under the bus . I guess the whole Les Miles debacle hasn't taught ESPN any patience but for the sake of argument let's just assume they are correct and that Clemens is in fact on the report. Is anybody surprised by this? Where there's smoke there's fire and when Grimsley came out and mentioned Clemens well that was the smoke. Plus the fact he had a low 2 ERA in his 40s, a bit ridiculous. I honestly think that by the end of this report people just are going to care that much less about the past steroid users. Once a large amount of big names come out and everyone just can't pinpoint all of their rage on Barry Bonds people are going to lose interest. I don't even think people that did not take anything will get an added bonus, it will be well no one said he took steroids but who knows. That same article said that the Yanks will have several pla...

I think one thing that needs to come out of this report is that everyone should take an honest look at themselves and think if I was them what would I have done. Would you have taken steroids or HGH or anything to give you an edge? Be honest with yourself. Personally I don't think I could give a flat out no. I don't know if I could say if I was in any situation in a major league baseball career that I wouldn't have tried to get any edge to improve the situation. To me there are to distinct scenarios where I would most likely differ. The first would be the situation of Barry Bonds and those players that were already superior athletes and had already made a name for themselves. I honestly think that if I was in that situation and I had already established myself in the big leagues as a good player that I would be content with that. I think I wouldn't seek out the extra edge to turn myself into a Hall of Fame player or get that extra 1 or 2 million in the contract. ...

Over at EC we held a Mitchell Report Fantasy Draft where the objective is to pick out those who you think will wind up in the Mitchell Report. The only guidelines were that you could not pick Balco boys and those that have already been busted by MLB. We held the draft this afternoon and here are my selections. 1. Ivan Rodriguez - He's got no power anymore and lost like 30 pounds one off season. Plus he played with Canseco and a bunch of obvious juicers. 2. Nomar - Has anyone gotten injured more than Nomar since they started testing? Plus the guy has no power whatsoever anymore. 3. Jay Payton - I wanted to pick a Met because of the whole Radomski thing and I couldn't quite decide but landed on Jay Payton after I saw that pick and the fact that he's now a bum. 4. Jeff Bagwell - Probably my worst pick. I think he juiced but I just don't know if he winds up in the report. 5. Sammy Sosa - I guess people were not aware they could draft Sosa. But he's never been b...

Here's a long awaited rebus. Remember the rules are... Winner is the first to identify the associated person, place or thing in the comments section. The Ultimate winner is the person who manages to put together what all the clues and answer is. I will post the answers sometime later if this isn't accomplished. So start your guessin...

All these people killing Bobby Petrino for leaving the Falcons need to calm down. If you signed up for a job which had one key perk and before you even started getting assessed for the job that perk was taken away what would you do? Would you stick around and fail because you're missing the ingredient you thought would make you successful or would you jump ship before your stock was irreparably damaged? The Falcons really have no hope in the short term. Teams without a quarterback don't get miraculously better in a year. The Falcons are going to have to utilize one of their top picks to bring in a Quarterback which is always an extremely dangerous proposition and usually does not lead to early success. Meanwhile the teams repeated failure would continue to weigh on Petrino's mind and his image. By leaving now he cut his losses. Most people would do the same thing. However I don't get the move to Arkansas. They're going to lose McFadden, their #1 and #2 wide...

That was a mean spike, he'd probably be sick on the Dominican Republic Olympic Volleyball team. In all seriousness though hopefully he didn't dislodge TJ Ford's to fused vertebrae in his neck, that would probably be bad.

The Cubbies are going Asian as they have won the Fukudome sweepstakes and will bring in the Japanese right fielder to replace the traded Jacque Jones. It seems like a good move for the Cubbies nothing says bonus merchandising like signing an Asian hero. Additionally in 2006 he lit up the Central league hitting .351 with 31 dingers and won the MVP. He's a lefty so he could bring balance to the Soriano, Lee, Aramis right handed overload in the middle of the lineup. They did give him $12 million a year which seems a bit much for a player who's never hit a single baseball in the majors but it was probably the right move. Having said that with the Cubs luck chances are high that Fukudome will just end up being the Asian Jacque Jones and won't help the team at all. I can say that I can't wait for announcers to say Fukudome consistently.

Wow You Guys Suck: San Francisco 49ers, When you completely shutdown the best player on the other team, and 3 yards is a total shutdown, but you still lose by 20 points you know just how badly your team sucks. It took Trent one pass attempt to throw a touchdwown for the wrong team. The Pats will enjoy their 2nd overall draft pick. Runners Up: Atlanta is just a piss poor team, Miami needs no elaboration. This Scarecrow Needs a Brain: Anthony Smith, Way to back up all that shit talk Anthony. You played so well this weekend and so did your team. WHy are you even talking to the press anyway. No one knows who you are. Next time perhaps you should just say next question. Runners Up: Apparently Mangini screwed up the entire last two minutes of the game to which I respond who cares, the Steelers '#1' D forgot that receivers needed to be covered and pressure needed to be put on the quarterback. Cough Cough Cough: Detroit Lions, At half time I thought to myself damn the Lions ac...

Once again a Quick Hitters Version. Each # is associated to a person, place or thing. The entire Rebus is set under a given theme. Post the answers in the comments for both each entry and the theme. Have at it.