Creating the Worst: NBA Player Edition

Thursday, December 06, 2007


Everyone seems to be so obsessed with creating the best of the best. Whether it be ESPN creating the ideal tennis player or Cameltap creating the hottest woman it's all about creating the best of the best. Well it's time someone does the opposite, and create the worst of the worst.


THE BRAIN

Worst Decision Maker: Ron Artest, you could take this as worst decision maker on the court, but I took it as who I would least want to be running my mind. And Ron Artest is a runaway victor there. Having him make any decision would be very scary. Although his hairstyle may be better than the one chosen.

Best Tanker: Vince Carter, No one is quite as good as shutting it down as Vince Carter. If Vince wants to play like garbage to force a trade he will. No hoopster on the planet is better than Vince with the On/Off switch.

Least Coachable: Ricky Davis, Stephon Marbury could be a possibility here but Ricky Davis gets traded like nobody else and he attempted to give himself a triple double by throwing it off his own backboard. Classic move.

THE BODY

Worst Shot: Ben Wallace, Big Ben blows everyone out of the water with his inability to get anything outside of

Least Touch: Kendrick Perkins, another one could go to Shaq here, but Perkins can't hit any shot other than a layup or dunk. He's got zero touch with the basketball.

Worst Ballhandler: Dwight Howard, Dwight Howard is an absolute beast and gets a lot of touches, but he's third in the league in turnovers and doesn't nearly come close to the amount of control of the ball as the point guards he's surrounded by on the list. His assist to turnover ratio is .41.

Weakest: Kevin Durant, he can't bench press 185 pounds...

Worst Endurance: November Shaq, Shaq may get himself worked up and in shape come playoff time, but at this point in his career he is just one out of shape nbaer in the first month of the season.

Worst Defense: Eddy Curry, Curry is a beast on offense but he has zero ability to guard anybody at any point in time.

Most Brittle: Grant Hill, Another easy one. Grant's body goes down every single season, it's only a matter of time before the knees give out.

Least Athletic: Brian Scalabrine, there's probably someone out there less athletic than him. But whatever he had to be included as he's such a legend on this here site.

Slowest: Yao Ming, so what if he's 7 foot 6. It takes the guy forever to get up and down the court.

Ugliest: Sam Cassell, gotta have atleast one superficial category in this player. And Sam Cassell narrowly defeats Chris Kaman for the ugly award as he is the product of fish-alien sex.

Worst Hair: Chris Kaman, whatever the hair needed inclusion.

And finally...

Height: Earl Boykins, Many of the players featured here are able to overcome their defaults because of their size or athleticism or strength. But if you give this bad player the height of Earl Boykins, than they won't be good enough to make your High School's JV team.

Posted by Simon at 7:01 AM   Digg! submit to reddit BallHype: hype it up!

20 comments:

Starbury needs to be somewhere on this list...

It can't be complete without him..

Anonymous said...
12:07 PM  

Shaq could have gotten Least Endurance, Worst Touch, Worst Ballhandler, and Worst Shot.

Anonymous said...
12:20 PM  

Worst dancer: Mark Madsen

Kevin said...
1:20 PM  

Starbury was very much considered.

And I had Mark Madsen as worst shot for a sec, but than changed to Big Ben.

Although Madsen does hands down win the worst dancer award.

Simon said...
1:25 PM  

Worst Sneaker Endorsement: Starbury for his sneakers that retail for $14.95.

JBILLS said...
2:00 PM  

Awesome.

Basketbawful said...
2:37 PM  

Worse Tatoos: Jason Williams. Although this might just be because he is white as can be. I bet Ricky Davis has some awful tattoos but they are just not as noticeable.

JBILLS said...
2:40 PM  

How is Kwame Brown not here? Seriously? Lakers fans everywhere are insulted. Please, Kwame's hands and finishing ability make Perkins look like Dwight Howard.

Anonymous said...
5:06 PM  

What Idiot uses assit-to-turnover as a measure of Centers??? Howard's TO rate is decreased from past, and his Dunking rate is way up - in fact his DUNK-to-turnover rate is 1.25 nobody else in the league comes close. Durant and Yao are turning the ball over as much, at a similar A/TO rate.

Anonymous said...
5:35 PM  

Worst hands: Kwame Brown (I am a Laker fan...not really dissing the guy...he is great defensivle, I just cringe everytime someone throws a hard pass his way in the paint)

Worst shot: Big ben is right...but Madsen and Shaq could easily take a spot there.

Worst hair: Kamen is a good fit...but Steve Nash should be there.

As a Laker fan, I could easily vote the worst decision maker (on court) as Smush Parker.

I think the whole player should have been completed with Portland and New York uniforms, representing the two most troubled and self-imploding teams in the NBA.

Larry said...
5:38 PM  

Kevin Durant may not be able to bench press 185 pounds but he can throw down 35 against Indiana and he can win the western conference rookie of the month... are you retarded dude... this kid is leading his team at 19... no one else can say that right now...

Hollaylay said...
9:28 PM  

The worst hair in the NBA belongs to the euro player on the Rockets. It looks horrible. If there is a dress code there should be one for hair too.

Anonymous said...
11:27 PM  

how did you miss Jason Collins at worst shot? ;)
Cause he rarely shoots anyway?

Anonymous said...
2:41 AM  

What's wrong with making sneakers that kids can afford? Starbury's are priced in a way that is actually realistic for a lot of people who want to buy them, as opposed to $150 Nikes.

Anonymous said...
3:39 AM  

Worst during last 4 minutes - Kobe - scores 45 in the first 44 minutes, then bricks the game winner, everytime
second worst - Vince Carter

Anonymous said...
9:24 AM  

Worst Birth-control user: Shawn Kemp. It seems he's got an illegitimate child for every pound overweight he is.

Anonymous said...
10:08 AM  

I am pretty sure you described me, asshole. Just kidding, great article!

The Beej said...
1:52 PM  

Worst D shoulda been Lebron - if he played any defense at all, he could be the greatest of all time. Instead, he's just another very talented player...

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