Tuesday, February 12, 2008
As a Celtic fan you come to understand the inherent necessity of a token redhead playing in the green and white uniform. Really did anyone ever look better than Bill Walton in a Celtic Jersey? But there has to be a better option than Brian Scalabrine, and thus the new feature. Todays edition focuses on Hot Famous Redheads.
Rose McGowan - If you have ever been romantically involved with Marilyn Manson than my guess is that you have a few screws loose and have atleast a little loose cannon in you. Thus Rose McGowan would almost certainly be more useful in a bench clearing brawl than Scals.
Lindsey Lohan - Scalabrine brings airballs and copious amounts of boredom. Meanwhile Lohan brings the ability to snort coke in copious amounts and play with cutlery in a faux sexual manner.
Nikki Cox - Rack. That's really the key word here. Nikki has a large rack, Scals has no rack. They both have no ability thus the tiebreaker goes to the rack.
Alyson Hannigan - She used to slay vampires on TV, or atleast help with the slaying of Vampires. Plus, she played a lesbian on that show which is far more entertaining than anything Scalabrine does.
Amy Adams - Very underrated redhead. In Talladega Nights she showed her true hotness ability jumping on the table. Scals does not have any ability and def. doesn't have the ability to look highly attractive.
Kirsten Dunst - She's tiny and mildly overrated in the looks department and she probably isn't a true redhead. But atleast if she needs help she has Spiderman in her corner. Does Scalabrine have Spiderman in his corner? I don't think so.
Isla Fisher - If you can make an honest man out of Borat than you must have some sort of magical powers. Either you have an abundance of useful Gypsie tears, are Pamela Anderson, or the ability to shrink people. Scalabrine has none of the above.
Laura Prepon - She went blond which was incredibly lame, but she is pretty damn hot. Plus if she brings in the 70s look than that will probably mean high sox which are always a plus.
Julia Roberts - She played a pretty good prostitute which means she can bring in income to the Celtics. Would anyone other 400 pound she-males pay for sex with Scals? No.
Nicole Kidman - If you can spend over ten years married to Tom Cruise and still be regarded as relatively sane than you have a strong brain. Plus, she's 5-10 1/2 meaning she probably has better moves in the post than Scals.