Monday, November 24, 2008
Step 1 Make Sure Your #1 Draft Pick Gets Injured
Steven Jackson is a dominant force in the backfield. Every game he plays he gets his yards he gets his tds he gets his catches. He's an all-around threat. But up 20 in the 4th quarter against a beaten down Cowboys squad he's still in the game. Why? So that he can injure his quad and manage to get 7 carries in the next 3 weeks.
Step 2 Trade Away Your 2nd Pick For a Player About to Go in the Shitter
Tony Romo is out and Owens is doing absolutely nothing on a week to week basis and you're desperate for any quarterback production because as you will see later they sucked balls. So you trade away your best wideout for a quarterback with solid stats. You trade TO for Donovan McNabb. Donovan McNabb carefully crafts back to back miserable performances starting with a 4 turnover game and increasing the ineptitude to a 3 turnover -5 point playoff hopes destruction.
Step 2b Make Sure the Side Player You Are Getting Gets Busted for Steroids the Next Day
The trade was officially McNabb and Deuce McAllister for TO and Bulger. The next day Deuce and the rest of the Saints were busted for Water pills.
Step 3 Draft a Player Hours Away from Getting Injured
Drafting in Mid-August is always fun because you get preseason injuries. Like when you draft Chad Johnson and he tears his labrum an hour after you hit the select Ocho Cinco button.
Step 4 Draft a Player Who Makes a Precipitous Decline to Ineptitude
Who's more consistent than Torry Holt? He's had over 1100 yards in every season but his rookie year. He's had 7 or more touchdowns in 5 consecutive seasons. So of course this is the year that he declines to uselessness. 11 games 2 Tds and 496 yards.
Step 5 Draft A Quarterback That Gets Injured and Drop Him the Week Prior to His Comeback
Good ole Matty Hasselbeck sucks his opening games because his wideouts are all injured, so what does he do? He gets injured of course and sits on the sidelines for weeks upon weeks. Than one week you desperately need a QB because your starter is on a bye, so you drop Hasselbeck and pick up Quinn. Hasselbeck then conveniently starts the next weekend after he's been picked off the waiver wire by another squad.