SimonOnSports

Boys and girls, well pretty much just boys except for those girls that come squirt when the squat or lean over the urinal or... nevermind, anyway boys around the world we have now found the new best urinal in the world and it's all thanks to Kansas St. forward Bill Walker. In last nights game with time running down on the clock and needing to be in the game for Kansas St.'s final play in regulation, valiant Bill had no time to make it to the urinal. Instead he gathered a few Gatorade logo'd towels and gave them the refurbished Gatorade in urine form. Next valiant Bill jumped on the court dunked an alley-oop over three people and Kansas St. won the game. How's that for relief? I made that last line up, Kansas St. lost and valiant Bill is only a hero to, well me, people that enjoy urinating on things. Friggin towels in the middle of a pack crowd? I would have never thought of that shit, that shows balls, just below elephantitis sized bowls. He isn't even showing ...

5. California Los Angeles Bruins at Southern California Trojans Honestly I don't care about this game at all and nor do I truly think it's going to be very competitive but if USC wins then they win the Pac 10. If UCLA wins some friggin way they can win the Pac 10 despite losing to Notre Dame this season. Just pathetic. The Pick: USC should romp its way to Pasadena. 4. Pittsburgh Panthers at West Virginia Mountaineers This is just here because if the Mountaineers win then they will be playing in New Orleans in a little over a month. In reality the chances of them losing to the Wanny boys is closer to none than slim. But I guess we can just hold out hope that it's competitive and convince ourselves that anything can happen in 2007. The Pick: Wanny inches closer to getting canned. 3. Boston College Eagles vs. Virginia Tech Hokies If the Hokies didn't choke at the end of their previous matchup than it could be them who was waiting to punch their ticket to New Orleans. ...

One Mediocre week means a good week? Eh probably not. 5. Dallas Cowboys (-6 1/2) vs. Green Bay Packers This game is a complete lock, there is no way the Cowboys are going to cough up a 17 point lead after they knock out Favre in the 2nd quarter. No way. Although you will be surprised with how Aaron Rodgers plays. But still run to the bank and put your entire account on the Cowboys, that's how positive I am with this pick. Biggest lock of the year, maybe even decade. I feel like Biff when he had the Sports Book. 4. San Diego Chargers (-4 1/2) at Kansas City Chiefs Now that I've gotten that big time lock at of the way let me tie the noose around my neck and stand on a three legged stool by betting on the Chargers. 3. New York Jets (+1 1/2) at Miami Dolphins Please lord please tell me that the New York Jets with an additional 3 days off are not a worse team than the winless Dolphins. Please? Although if they lose they would be one step away from Dorsey. And that wouldn...

Everyone needs something to keep them occupied on Friday afternoons so the Friday Video Blowout was born. Spend your next few minutes, laughing, crying of laughter, pissing your self, whatever, but mostly wasting your companies time. 100% IR , With Leather , PeoplePosts , Fanhouse , Barstool Sports , Deadspin , AA , Who Ate All the Pies , Deadspin again, 100% IR again To Infinity and the Demolition via Oversized Soda Cans. I agree with the Boston Can Suck It part... These calls would definitely get a Tommy homer point. And what kind of business would that be? That might be illegal in Maryland. Now that's given him the business... Um, GEBCO? You're not good enough for GEICO Jonathan? Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch. Fat people are funny... What the hell is wrong with Canadians? I wonder if the ambulance picked up those 3 other guys?

There was just so much suck going around this week on the actual football field that I think I'm going to do my first all actual Gameplay Weekly Waste. 1. Eli Manning - 17-21. That wasn't the final score sunday at Giants stadium, but that was Eli Manning's final score. He led his offense to 17 total points, and scored three touchdowns for the Minnesota Vikings. He might want to check his vision, he might be color blind as Dark Purple is close to Dark Blue and he seems to have a big problem with this every time they play the Vikings. 2. Herman Edwards - Herm is always good for some solid quotes and a good motivational speach but when it comes to clock management and coaching down the stretch of a game just about nobody in the game is worse. if you don't have confidence in your kicker to boot home a 40 yard field goal when you are down 3, then why is he on your roster? Why did you guys trade Tynes in the offseason? Next time maybe you should play to not lose the game...

~I'm not a really a fan of the NFL on thursday night. I'm just not. It's not even the fact that I don't get the NFL network, or the fact that I have class tonight til 9 and won't get home til around 10ish, or the fact that you have to make your picks on thursday now, I just really like NFL football on Sunday afternoon and a lot less every other time. On monday and sunday night I typically only sporadically watch the games, monday probably cause the games are always shit, but Sunday cause I'm typically footballed out for the weekend. As for Thursday night, it just doesn't feel right, I'm not really in the mood to watch the biggest NFC matchup of the season on a thursday after work. Well even if I could. Even last week while I typically enjoy the Thanksgiving games a lot I didn't like the Jets playing then because it just felt weird. The beating didn't help but still before kick off it just seemed odd. ~Anywho I'm taking the Cowboys to co...

The Dolphins are 0-11, have the leagues worst offense, are coming off a brutally boring loss to Pittsburgh and have 3 less days to prepare for the game than the Jets, and yet are favored by atleast a point everywhere. You're playing a fucking team that hasn't one a single game this entire season and is only 5 weeks away from having the worst record in the history of professional football and the line is on you losing. Seriously, shoot me now.

Well than how about installing the Shower Boob to hold both your Soap and Shampoo needs. Some how I stumbled upon this by simply google image searching Shower . Very Odd.

The Degrees of Loss Separation is a simple concept, I go out and find a highly rated team with some losses playing against a crappy team with lots of losses. Next I find a chain of losses which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt (not at all) that the underdog is going to pull the major upset and storm the field. The Final Outcome is calculated simply: Add up the scores of the losers, add up the scores of the winners in the degrees of loss separation and divide both by the # of degrees. The Game: Tennessee Volunteers vs. Louisiana State Tigers The SEC Championship game that no one really wanted. The Volunteers who have been winning by the narrowest margins after starting off the season getting pummeled twice were able to hold off the charging Bulldogs. Meanwhile LSU, stumbled last week and almost inconceivably is in danger of missing out on the BCS in a season where at many points they were thought to be the clear best team in the country. This final regular season Degrees is inspired ...

Feeling Tired at the gym or during a lengthy bike ride? Do you need something to get you over that last hump, finish that last set or bike that last few miles. Well if so there's one product for you, the Jelly Bean, the enhanced version of course . Unlike normal Jelly Beans these are jam packed with electrolytes, vitamins, carbs and caffeine to keep your engine pumping during the most heated moments of the action. So why not accelerate near the finish line, have some Sport Beans. Do you like that pitch? Not bad if I say so myself, just came up with it. Guess that marketing class is wearing off on me a bit. Ok now onto normal Simon, who in the world is going to chew on some Jelly Beans instead of drinking a god damn Gatorade or Propel or some form of liquid? Is this not one of the dumbest products out there? I know, on the rare occasion, that I do eat Jellybeans that they tend to stick to your damn teeth. So who exactly is going to pop some jellybeans in their mouth when ...

The Quick Photoshop version of Houston Nutt's 24 hours. Monday Night Fired... Tuesday Night Hired...

Much has been made since the Carr resignation of Carr's supposed dislike of Les and the possibility of him being the one man who gets in the way of Les taking over the Michigan program. Well after LSU's stunning upset loss versus Arkansas last weekend a matchup between the two programs is a possibility, all that would need to happen are a few balls to fall the right way. First off LSU needs to lose to Tennessee this weekend. If LSU wins they play in the Sugar Bowl and put the kibosh on the whole thing. If LSU loses than Tennessee would play in the Sugar Bowl and almost certainly Gerogia would be selected as the SEC's additional BCS representative leaving LSU outside of the BCS. Then it comes down to the Capital One Officials making the most intriguing matchup. The Capital One Bowl gets the first selection of all SEC and Big 10 teams after the BCS games are selected. It generally assumes that they take the #2 team from each conference which LSU would qualify as and Mic...

A win by Oklahoma and a win by West Virginia this weekend could very well create an utterly boring set of BCS bowl games. If you look at ESPN's bowl projections , they predict a lot of games I have limited interest in watching. BCS Title Game: West Virginia vs. Ohio St. As an avid hater of Ohio St., the last thing I want to see is the Buckeyes play for the title game. Who knows maybe this game would be a close battle, but it certainly wouldn't be the exciting shootout that Mizzou WVU would turn into. As neither has a spectacular defense and both have high flying offenses. Fiesta Bowl: Arizona St. vs. Oklahoma People project Arizona St. in the Fiesta Bowl probably so that the Fiesta Bowl can fill the seats easily. But Arizona St. hasn't beaten any terrific teams this year and they just got pounded at home against the Trojans. Does anybody really want to see this game? Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Georgia Assumes: Tech knocks off BC This would probably be the most enter...

If you are a resident anywhere near New York City then you are accustomed to hearing the Eli Manning is a bum talk. After this weeks single handed loss to the Vikings, if you listened to the talk radio stations you just might think it was the end of the world. Hell you would certainly think he was one of the worst #1 draft picks in the history of the NFL. But when you actually take a solid look at the history of Quarterbacks drafted with the top overall pick, Eli once again slides right into the upper middle of the pack. Here is my rankings or groupings of the NFL quarterbacks taken with the overall top selection. The majority of what is taken to account is their efforts with the team that drafted them and only slightly more on the entirety of their career. MEGA BUSTS 1954: Bobby Garrett, Cleveland - Never played a down for the Browns as quoting from Wikipedia "The Browns had needed someone to take over for the veteran Otto Graham, but they soon discovered that Garrett had...

The White Warriors are in first place, it'll probably last only a week so I had to do this before the story was spoiled. Anyway can any of you clowns actually name all 15 of the White Warriors by just looking at their faces?

Wow You Guys Suck: New York Offenses, Combined this long holiday weekend the New York Offenses accounted for a total 48 points. They scored 20 points for their own teams, and provided 4 interceptions for touchdowns for the either teams. Solid job by both Eli and Clemens. Both were responsible for 4 more opposing team points then their teams final outcome. Runners Up: Redskins held the Bucs without a first down but still lost because of turnovers, the Chargers are not back they just played the Ravens who suck. This Scarecrow Needs a Brain: Herman Edwards, Maybe your kicker sucks, I mean he probably does. But when you have your team lined up for a tying 40 yard field goal in the 4th quarter and instead you decide to go for it. Well that's just plain old dumb. Runners Up: Rackers and the Cardinals Special teams both blew clock management and the next field goal, Denver you see those Out of Bounds lines if you kick it past them Devin Hester can't return the kick. Cough Cough ...

Remember this is all about Quality Wins and Bad Losses so if you hold the best out of conference win in the country and play in a far superior conference you just might have an advantage in the rankings despite an extra loss or two. 1. Missouri - The Tigers leap up to take the #1 spot in the polls based on their big victory at Arrowhead this weekend. Unfortunately for them they still have one remaining game against the Sooners in what most likely will be a moderately hostile crowd. Quality Wins: @Illinois, Texas Tech, Kansas(n) 2. Louisiana State - I know losing at home in November is a no-no for making the title game and I am fully aware that this team has 2 losses while both the Mountaineer and Buckeyes do not. However, they have the single best out of conference win this season in the slaughter they put down on VaTech. They lost two games in Triple Overtime, one on a failed two point conversion. Yet somehow the pollsters rank Tech above the Tigers, great logic. Quality Wins: VaTe...

The best way to prep for a big rivalry game as the Oregon St. fanbase show, is by plastering pictures of your rivals mascot and logo inside a porto potty so that you can urinate and/or dump on your opponent the entirety of your tailgating. Way to go Beaver fans. Courtesy of The Wizard of Odds from Beavers Blog

This season the NBA has listened to one of my many thoughts and has started to track a players +/- during the course of individual games. Due to my dislike of Brian Scalabrine, I am going to track the severely overpaid redhead in a weekly post called The Scalabrine Watch. Celtics 105 Golden State 82: +9 Scals in this easy win had some contributions. Dropped a triple and picked up 2 boards and an assist in yet another blowout. Game Stats: 13 Minutes, 1-2, 3 Points, 2 Rebounds, 1 Assist Celtics 107 Lakers 94: -1 Scals was 2s across the board against the Lakeshow in yet another Celtics easy victory. Game Stats: 11 Minutes, 1-2, 2 Points, 2 Rebounds, 2 Assists Celtics 96 Charlotte 95: -6 Scals -6 is his worst +/- of the season to date. And a negative one per minute played is certainly piss poor, but Ray Ray hit a buzzer beating triple to win the game so... it doesn't matter. Game Stats: 6 Minutes, 1-3, 2 Points, 1 Rebound, 0 Assists Overall Week Performance: +2 Scals performance was ...

1. Normally I'd say Bill isn't looking at the opposing coach cause he's a dick, frankly I think he was just afraid of being eaten. 2. "Hey Bill, you ratting out my two kids for selling you drugs did not make me happy." 3. "They are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook." 4. "Nice headband asshole." 5. "Good try Andy, almost as good as that Superbowl we won."

After tonights ball game, assuming Three Day Old Cheeseburger puts up more than 6 points against the lowly Dolphins I will have my first two win week in a very long time, and putting it bluntly I should have gotten my ass handed to me this week if Fantasy Football made any sense at all. See I have Eli Manning, in both leagues, the very Eli Manning who played one of the worst games in the history of the NFL and easily the worst game of his career. However, due to my leagues being heavily quarterback point centric Eli put up 9 and 10 points respectively in my leagues. Even in the most non quarterback centric leagues -2 for a turnover, 4 for a td and 1 for 50 passing yards, Eli Manning put up positive points. In one of my matchups Eli actually put up three more points than Vince Young and while Vince had a poor game it's pretty easy to say that Eli had a worse game and yet Eli put up more points. Why? Because Fantasy Leagues ignore the Pick Six. Why is a pass for ten yards worth m...

"So I was talking with Bill, and letting him no that we were going to let him go and explaining to him that his defense was the main reason for the firing, to which he responded 'Uh, but Senator there is no D in Bill Callahan'. I mean what the fuck." 1. Ya take that double digit losses. 2. We just concluded the greatest Notre Dame Season ever... 3. Or worst. "I practice Limbo by myself, I am top 5 in the nation right now and one of the few americans who can efficiently practice while holding the limbo stick at the same time. Talent Extraordinare. I just do this band thing to limbo practice." 1. I just Croomed myself. 2. The Croom is allergic to ice. 3. The Croom is going bowling for the first time and there will be gutter balls thrown everywhere. 1. I really thought it was pronounced R-Kansas and not R-Can-Saw. 2. You doubted my abilities to end the season with 2 losses, oh how you were wrong. 3. Where's that plane ticket to Ann Arbor? 1. I don't k...

I didn't get the Friday Video Blowout out last week so here's a little mini one to get your week started. The first video is classic. Courtesy in order of The Big Lead , EC , Who ate all the pies , We Are the Postmen , 100% IR This is my favorite video perhaps of all time. You would think this would have been more entertaining than the typical human tetris, but alas Asians are funnier than models. Hmm this Kevin Durant may be good. Who knew. Whoops wrong goal. That is the precise reason why he's the starting QB. Good interview...

There's stupid and then there's taking a face first dive in the troth. Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

Not exactly a phenomenal effort for Carson against Croatia in cementing the British Isles lack of an appearance next year in the European Championships.

Every 4 years all of Europe's attention focuses squarely on what nation will lay claim to be the best of the continent. Ever since the finish of the 2006 World Cup, these European Nations have been fighting to qualify for the occasion as only 16 Nations qualify. Only 14 when you take into account the hosting nations Austria and Switzerland received automatic births. And after 12 games played by each Nation the field has been set and it consists of not one team from the British Isles. Wales The lone British Isle who finished worst than 3rd in their qualifying group. Wales finished 5th in Group D, two spots behind Ireland. Ireland Ireland finished third in their grouping much like the rest of the British Isles, however the were eliminated long ago as Germany and the Czech Republic cruised to Euro 08. Northern Ireland Northern Ireland made a significant push for qualifying, finishing 3rd in their grouping. However, 2 losses to both Latvia and Iceland spoiled the rest of their res...

Well that Pep talk didn't quite make sense. But Lou probably won't be welcomed with open arms the next time he covers a Toledo game.

The Degrees of Loss Separation is a simple concept, I go out and find a highly rated team with some losses playing against a crappy team with lots of losses. Next I find a chain of losses which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt (not at all) that the underdog is going to pull the major upset and storm the field. The Final Outcome is calculated simply: Add up the scores of the losers, add up the scores of the winners in the degrees of loss separation and divide both by the # of degrees. The Game: Texas A&M Aggies vs. Texas Longhorns Every year Americans everywhere turn on the tube on Thanksgiving to watch the Cowboys play. Well every year the day after Thanksgiving Texans are equally focused on football when A&M and the Longhorns clash. Last year the Longhorns came in fighting for the Big 12 title but were battered and bruised by A&M and Colt took the pounding of a lifetime . This year A&M comes in reeling to the tune of a 6-5 schedule, meanwhile Texas with a win and a...

A lot of big time football this weekend. A lot of it. Bonus. Boise St. Broncos at Hawaii Warriors I actually couldn't just leave it at 5 this week. There are massive title and BCS implication matchups this week, including the Broncos trip to Hawaii. If Colt and the Warriors can knock off Boise St. that would earn some nice pollster points and could solidify a trip to a BCS game. The Pick: Broncos can't burst the Warriors bubble after long plane flight. 5. Tennessee Volunteers at Kentucky Wildcats The Vols were that close to coughing away a tript to face LSU in the SEC title game and now just have the a trip to Lexington in the way. A trip which they pretty much never lose. The Pick: Vols snub the Bulldogs their SEC title chance. 4. Virginia Tech Hokies at Virginia Cavaliers Winner gets a trip to Jacksonville to face off against the Boston College Eagles. Who would have thought after getting pummeled by Wyoming in week 1 that the Cavaliers would have this chance The Pick:...

One good week means this will definitely be a poor one. 5. Arizona Cardinals (-10 1/2) at San Fransisco 49ers This line is absolutely ridiculous but the 49ers suck that bad. 4. Indianapolis Colts (-11 1/2) at Atlanta Falcons The Falcons really shouldn't have anywhere near the amount of wins they currently have. They're gonna get pummeled. 3. New York Jets (+14 1/2) at Dallas Cowboys The Jets have only gotten crushed once this season, and that was against the Pats. And the Cowboys are good but they're not the Pats. 2. Pittsburgh Steelers (-16 1/2) vs. Miami Dophins The Steelers will be back this monday after their O line decided to skip out on the Jets game. 1. New England Patriots(-22 1/2) vs. Philadelphia Eagles I'm not picking against the Patriots. It's severely bad for your health. Survivor League Pick: Death to Norv Chargers Indy is the best team I've got remaining and they're playing the Falcons. Not difficulty. Non-Spread Picks