The Most Bestest Urinal in Town

Friday, November 30, 2007

Boys and girls, well pretty much just boys except for those girls that come squirt when the squat or lean over the urinal or... nevermind, anyway boys around the world we have now found the new best urinal in the world and it's all thanks to Kansas St. forward Bill Walker.

In last nights game with time running down on the clock and needing to be in the game for Kansas St.'s final play in regulation, valiant Bill had no time to make it to the urinal. Instead he gathered a few Gatorade logo'd towels and gave them the refurbished Gatorade in urine form. Next valiant Bill jumped on the court dunked an alley-oop over three people and Kansas St. won the game. How's that for relief?

I made that last line up, Kansas St. lost and valiant Bill is only a hero to, well me, people that enjoy urinating on things. Friggin towels in the middle of a pack crowd? I would have never thought of that shit, that shows balls, just below elephantitis sized bowls. He isn't even showing the urine on his white shorts, which just shows what kind of skill and precision Bill has with his urine.

Here's to you Bill Walker arguably the most skilled pisser in college basketball history and most certainly a Grade A Sports Guy.

Courtesy of Deadspin

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The Big 5 College Football Games of the Weekend


5. California Los Angeles Bruins at Southern California Trojans
Honestly I don't care about this game at all and nor do I truly think it's going to be very competitive but if USC wins then they win the Pac 10. If UCLA wins some friggin way they can win the Pac 10 despite losing to Notre Dame this season. Just pathetic. The Pick: USC should romp its way to Pasadena.

4. Pittsburgh Panthers at West Virginia Mountaineers
This is just here because if the Mountaineers win then they will be playing in New Orleans in a little over a month. In reality the chances of them losing to the Wanny boys is closer to none than slim. But I guess we can just hold out hope that it's competitive and convince ourselves that anything can happen in 2007. The Pick: Wanny inches closer to getting canned.

3. Boston College Eagles vs. Virginia Tech Hokies
If the Hokies didn't choke at the end of their previous matchup than it could be them who was waiting to punch their ticket to New Orleans. Instead, a win and they get to go to the Orange Bowl, which I think is being played at Pro Player, which doesn't really have many oranges in the stadium. Either way it should be better than the crappy GaTech Wake Forest matchup from last year. The Pick: Tech lines up a trip to Miami which means bad things usually.

2. Louisiana State Tigers vs. Tennessee Volunteers
Les can talk to Michigan on monday so he probably has that on his mind, well if he has one. If he didn't get his team prepared well, a strong possibility, then a loss could mean a matchup with Michigan woo. However, if he did get his team prepared well then they will probably demolish UT. The Pick: I'll take the middle ground and say LSU wins by 6.

1.Missouri Tigers at Oklahoma Sooner
Could have been winner books a ticket to the National title game, but Sam Bradford had to go and get knocked the fuck out against Texas Tech resulting in a Sooners loss. Now the Sooners are just acting as Spoilers, unless you call playing Arizona St. in the Fiesta Bowl a grand prize. The Pick: Oklahoma sends the Buckeyes to the Superdome because nothing I want ends up happening.

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NFL Week 13 Pick Suggestions

One Mediocre week means a good week? Eh probably not.

5. Dallas Cowboys (-6 1/2) vs. Green Bay Packers
This game is a complete lock, there is no way the Cowboys are going to cough up a 17 point lead after they knock out Favre in the 2nd quarter. No way. Although you will be surprised with how Aaron Rodgers plays. But still run to the bank and put your entire account on the Cowboys, that's how positive I am with this pick. Biggest lock of the year, maybe even decade. I feel like Biff when he had the Sports Book.

4. San Diego Chargers (-4 1/2) at Kansas City Chiefs
Now that I've gotten that big time lock at of the way let me tie the noose around my neck and stand on a three legged stool by betting on the Chargers.

3. New York Jets (+1 1/2) at Miami Dolphins
Please lord please tell me that the New York Jets with an additional 3 days off are not a worse team than the winless Dolphins. Please? Although if they lose they would be one step away from Dorsey. And that wouldn't be bad.

2. Denver Broncos (-3 1/2) at Oakland Raiders
Perhaps someone gave the Broncos the heimlich after their debacle in Chicago last week and they will be back to return the Raiders to their normal AFC West losing ways.

1. New England Patriots(-20 1/2) at Baltimore Ravens
One week off from covering the spread, the Patriots should be back to their normal killings when they face the offensively challenged Ravens.

Survivor League Pick: Death to Norv Chargers

Ya I'm tossing the Cojones out there and am picking the Rams to win this week. Granted I selected this before I knew Marc Bulger no longer had a functioning brain, but whatever I'm keeping it out there.

Non-Spread Picks

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Friday Video Blowout

Everyone needs something to keep them occupied on Friday afternoons so the Friday Video Blowout was born. Spend your next few minutes, laughing, crying of laughter, pissing your self, whatever, but mostly wasting your companies time.

100% IR, With Leather, PeoplePosts, Fanhouse, Barstool Sports, Deadspin, AA, Who Ate All the Pies, Deadspin again, 100% IR again


To Infinity and the Demolition via Oversized Soda Cans.


I agree with the Boston Can Suck It part...


These calls would definitely get a Tommy homer point.


And what kind of business would that be? That might be illegal in Maryland.


Now that's given him the business...


Um, GEBCO? You're not good enough for GEICO Jonathan?


Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch Ouch.


Fat people are funny...


What the hell is wrong with Canadians?


I wonder if the ambulance picked up those 3 other guys?

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Weekly Waste of Oxygen

There was just so much suck going around this week on the actual football field that I think I'm going to do my first all actual Gameplay Weekly Waste.

1. Eli Manning - 17-21. That wasn't the final score sunday at Giants stadium, but that was Eli Manning's final score. He led his offense to 17 total points, and scored three touchdowns for the Minnesota Vikings. He might want to check his vision, he might be color blind as Dark Purple is close to Dark Blue and he seems to have a big problem with this every time they play the Vikings.

2. Herman Edwards - Herm is always good for some solid quotes and a good motivational speach but when it comes to clock management and coaching down the stretch of a game just about nobody in the game is worse. if you don't have confidence in your kicker to boot home a 40 yard field goal when you are down 3, then why is he on your roster? Why did you guys trade Tynes in the offseason? Next time maybe you should play to not lose the game.

3. Todd Sauerbrun - Yep you were going to kick it to Devin Hester. That a very intelligent idea. But you did have a chance to stop him on both kick returns. Especially the one wear you slipped fell on your back and you couldn't see it but he jumped over you. You were like a little hurdle in an Equestrian show and Devin Hester was the gold medal horse. Perhaps next time you should kick the ball out of bounds.

4. New York Knicks - Way to open up your mouth Q and challenge the best team in the NBA as says the current standings. You were right that the 'Big 3' have yet to win any titles, very observant of you. What you forgot is that by making a dumb ass quote like that you would give them that much more motivation to lay the hammer down on you. You're just lucky that Nate Robinson can hit flying buzzer beating half court shots so that you didn't set an all time New York Knick ineptitude record.

Get Your Vote On

Last Weeks Winner:
Milana Dravnel

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Thursday Quicknotes

Thursday, November 29, 2007

~I'm not a really a fan of the NFL on thursday night. I'm just not. It's not even the fact that I don't get the NFL network, or the fact that I have class tonight til 9 and won't get home til around 10ish, or the fact that you have to make your picks on thursday now, I just really like NFL football on Sunday afternoon and a lot less every other time. On monday and sunday night I typically only sporadically watch the games, monday probably cause the games are always shit, but Sunday cause I'm typically footballed out for the weekend. As for Thursday night, it just doesn't feel right, I'm not really in the mood to watch the biggest NFC matchup of the season on a thursday after work. Well even if I could. Even last week while I typically enjoy the Thanksgiving games a lot I didn't like the Jets playing then because it just felt weird. The beating didn't help but still before kick off it just seemed odd.

~Anywho I'm taking the Cowboys to cover the 7 point spread. I'll get the rest of the picks out manana.

~I haven't gotten into the whole Sean Taylor thing because I have a limited amount to say about it. Normal people A) Don't have Machetes under their bed B) Have someone break into their house to simply leave a knife on the bed and C) Get shot and killed in their bedroom although I can't imagine the person was attempting to kill him if the aimed for the leg/groin. Either way its sad, it certainly sucks for all in the NFL but something in his life spurred this whether it was his fault or not. I highly doubt it was random.

~Adding this to the many run ins with the law and the fact that they suck now why would anyone want to go to the U.

~Delmon Young+ for Matt Garza+ reported yesterday just seems like a solid move for the Twins and a risky move for the Devil Rays. I understand Delmon is a complete nut and swings at just about everything but he still has big time talent and is younger than me. I think the Twins made a solid move here and should truly think about trading both Johan and Nathan and go with an all youth team + Justin and Joe in the middle of the lineup.

~My post at EC today was about Joe Nathan and 'his' desire to get traded.

~The Big 10 ACC challenge is a joke and Michigan appears to suck yet again this year. I'm probably only a few losses away from a giving up on the wolverines NCAA tournament chances post.

~Kirk Hinrich sucks balls this season, every single one of his stats is worse than every single year in his career. Ouch.

~Canadians are very very very weird.

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Just How Much Do the Jets Suck?


The Dolphins are 0-11, have the leagues worst offense, are coming off a brutally boring loss to Pittsburgh and have 3 less days to prepare for the game than the Jets, and yet are favored by atleast a point everywhere. You're playing a fucking team that hasn't one a single game this entire season and is only 5 weeks away from having the worst record in the history of professional football and the line is on you losing. Seriously, shoot me now.

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Need a New Soap Dispenser?


Well than how about installing the Shower Boob to hold both your Soap and Shampoo needs. Some how I stumbled upon this by simply google image searching Shower. Very Odd.

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Degrees of Loss Separation: Tennessee > LSU

The Degrees of Loss Separation is a simple concept, I go out and find a highly rated team with some losses playing against a crappy team with lots of losses. Next I find a chain of losses which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt (not at all) that the underdog is going to pull the major upset and storm the field. The Final Outcome is calculated simply: Add up the scores of the losers, add up the scores of the winners in the degrees of loss separation and divide both by the # of degrees.

The Game: Tennessee Volunteers vs. Louisiana State Tigers

The SEC Championship game that no one really wanted. The Volunteers who have been winning by the narrowest margins after starting off the season getting pummeled twice were able to hold off the charging Bulldogs. Meanwhile LSU, stumbled last week and almost inconceivably is in danger of missing out on the BCS in a season where at many points they were thought to be the clear best team in the country. This final regular season Degrees is inspired by the fact I would like Michigan to play LSU in the Cap One Bowl and the fact that the Degrees is 4-3 and one of its losses was the LSU win over Ole Miss.

2º of Loss Separation : Tennessee beat Kentucky beat LSU

The simplest degrees possible (well except if I picked a team that already beat a team) the Volunteers went into Lexington last week and managed to close out the Wildcats in triple overtime. In the exact opposite scenario LSU was closed out by Kentucky in Lexington during the 3rd overtime.

Final Outcome: Tennessee 47 LSU 44

Both of the outcomes went to triple OT so obviously the scores of the two games were both close and high scoring so the resultant outcome of the degrees is both. I doubt the Vols are more than 3 points better than LSU this weekend but after LSU's defense has looked susceptable in recent weeks this upset is certainly a possibility.

This would be the least of all upsets for the Degrees this season, but its Bowl Championship week so I was going to pick one of those games anyway.

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Need an Energy Kick in the Gym?

Feeling Tired at the gym or during a lengthy bike ride? Do you need something to get you over that last hump, finish that last set or bike that last few miles. Well if so there's one product for you, the Jelly Bean, the enhanced version of course. Unlike normal Jelly Beans these are jam packed with electrolytes, vitamins, carbs and caffeine to keep your engine pumping during the most heated moments of the action. So why not accelerate near the finish line, have some Sport Beans.

Do you like that pitch? Not bad if I say so myself, just came up with it. Guess that marketing class is wearing off on me a bit. Ok now onto normal Simon, who in the world is going to chew on some Jelly Beans instead of drinking a god damn Gatorade or Propel or some form of liquid? Is this not one of the dumbest products out there? I know, on the rare occasion, that I do eat Jellybeans that they tend to stick to your damn teeth. So who exactly is going to pop some jellybeans in their mouth when they're riding a bike or running a marathon. The time it takes to chew and swallow is much more time consuming and tedious than just swallowing a liquid. Plus after eating the damn things you're probably going to want some water to go with them. Sometimes your product just has no place in the market, and an energy jelly bean is one of these times.

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One Nutty Road Trip

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Quick Photoshop version of Houston Nutt's 24 hours.

Monday Night Fired...



Tuesday Night Hired...

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Les vs. Carr is a Possibility


Much has been made since the Carr resignation of Carr's supposed dislike of Les and the possibility of him being the one man who gets in the way of Les taking over the Michigan program. Well after LSU's stunning upset loss versus Arkansas last weekend a matchup between the two programs is a possibility, all that would need to happen are a few balls to fall the right way.

First off LSU needs to lose to Tennessee this weekend. If LSU wins they play in the Sugar Bowl and put the kibosh on the whole thing. If LSU loses than Tennessee would play in the Sugar Bowl and almost certainly Gerogia would be selected as the SEC's additional BCS representative leaving LSU outside of the BCS.

Then it comes down to the Capital One Officials making the most intriguing matchup. The Capital One Bowl gets the first selection of all SEC and Big 10 teams after the BCS games are selected. It generally assumes that they take the #2 team from each conference which LSU would qualify as and Michigan technically would as well as they finished tied with the Illini. In reality the Capital One Bowl can just select whomever they choose out of the conference, and with all the intrigue around the country surrounding Les Miles and his possible move to the Wolverines and all the gossip on the lack of friendship between Carr and Miles how could they pass up the chance at putting these two teams on the field. The matchup would certainly be more intriguing than some of the crappy BCS games that could occur.

So for one day in my life, hopefully the last, I will be rooting for the lame Volunteers wearing pastel orange so that on New Years Day I have something fun to watch.

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An Oklahoma Win = Bad BCS Games

A win by Oklahoma and a win by West Virginia this weekend could very well create an utterly boring set of BCS bowl games. If you look at ESPN's bowl projections, they predict a lot of games I have limited interest in watching.

BCS Title Game: West Virginia vs. Ohio St.

As an avid hater of Ohio St., the last thing I want to see is the Buckeyes play for the title game. Who knows maybe this game would be a close battle, but it certainly wouldn't be the exciting shootout that Mizzou WVU would turn into. As neither has a spectacular defense and both have high flying offenses.

Fiesta Bowl: Arizona St. vs. Oklahoma

People project Arizona St. in the Fiesta Bowl probably so that the Fiesta Bowl can fill the seats easily. But Arizona St. hasn't beaten any terrific teams this year and they just got pounded at home against the Trojans. Does anybody really want to see this game?

Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Georgia
Assumes: Tech knocks off BC

This would probably be the most entertaining of the BCS games. Both have solid defenses and decent but not spectacular offenses. Both teams should travel relatively well to the Orange Bowl and creat a good environment. I would be interested to watch this.

Sugar Bowl: LSU vs. Hawaii
Assumes: LSU knocks off Tennessee

Hawaii could be a good matchup for some teams, especially those with lacking defenses (aka WVU or Mizzou or Kansas), but lining them up in New Orleans against an LSU team who shouldn't be healthy again after a month off and all signals point towards disaster.

Rose Bowl: USC vs. Illinois
Assumes: USC beats off UCLA

The Zookers were a great story this year, and were great to the country when they knocked off Ohio St., but they would have absolutely no shot in the world against USC in the Rose Bowl. It would be a colossal waste of time.

Other Possibilities
The Rose Bowl could be USC Georgia and the Sugar Kansas VaTech which would just switch around which game was worth a watch. Personally I don't see how the bowls would choose Kansas to play in the BCS over Missouri considering they did beat the Jayhawks and the only reason they would have another loss is because they were forced to play Oklahoma twice. But that's just my logic. One way or another if Oklahoma wins this weekend, most likely there's only going to be one BCS game I'm going to want to watch.

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Eli is Really Just Middle of the Pack

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

If you are a resident anywhere near New York City then you are accustomed to hearing the Eli Manning is a bum talk. After this weeks single handed loss to the Vikings, if you listened to the talk radio stations you just might think it was the end of the world. Hell you would certainly think he was one of the worst #1 draft picks in the history of the NFL. But when you actually take a solid look at the history of Quarterbacks drafted with the top overall pick, Eli once again slides right into the upper middle of the pack.

Here is my rankings or groupings of the NFL quarterbacks taken with the overall top selection. The majority of what is taken to account is their efforts with the team that drafted them and only slightly more on the entirety of their career.

MEGA BUSTS

1954: Bobby Garrett, Cleveland - Never played a down for the Browns as quoting from Wikipedia "The Browns had needed someone to take over for the veteran Otto Graham, but they soon discovered that Garrett had a liability as a quarterback: he stuttered, which made calling plays difficult." He lasted one season with the Packers.

1959: Randy Duncan, Green Bay - Decided against playing for the Packers and went instead to the CFL in British Columbia before moving to the Dallas Texans of the AFL after two season.

1944: Angelo Bertelli, Boston Yanks - Left for the Marines and wound up playing in the AAFC and not the NFL.

1956: Gary Glick, Pittsburgh - Glick was immediately converted to a Dback where he lasted for 4 seasons with the Steelers.

PLAIN OLD BUSTS

1958: King Hill, Chicago Cardinals - Was the starting quarterback for the Cardinals for only one of the three seasons he played with the team before being traded to the Eagles.

1955: George Shaw, Baltimore - Broke his leg his rookie season and was replaced by fellow rookie Johnny Unitas. Shaw was then traded to the Giants where he sporadically played.

1946: Frank Dancewicz, Boston Yanks - Only Lasted 3 seasons in the NFL. Finished his career with 12 tds and 29 ints.

1999: Tim Couch, Cleveland - Spent 5 poor seasons with the Browns until he finally lost his job to Kelly Holcomb and has since not stuck on a roster for an entire season.

2002: David Carr, Houston - Spent 5 seasons as the Texans QB never leading them to a .500 or better record. Some of which was blamed on the poor offensive line but subsequent play with the Panthers this season leads most to believe he just sucks.

SUCKED WITH THE DRAFT TEAM

1987: Vinny Testaverde, Tampa Bay - In 6 years with the Bucs Testaverde never threw more touchdowns than interceptions, during which the Bucs never one more than six games. Is still kicking as the oldest QB in pro football, but his only smell of the Superbowl was denied when his Jets lost to the Elway led Broncos.

1990: Jeff George, Indianapolis - After receiving the richest rookie contract of his time George had 4 mediocre years in Indianapolis with one winning season amongst them. George then wore out his welcome, as he typically does, and was traded to the Falcons. George continues to want to play in the NFL however due to the fact that everyone generally considers him a cocky douche and old, no one signs him.

WON TITLES ELSEWHERE

1971: Jim Plunkett, Boston - Plunkett came into the NFL with a bang having his best season for the Pats his rookie year. His numbers then faltered until he was traded to the 49ers in 1975. Plunkett eventually took over the starting job at Oakland and proceeded to win two Superbowls with the team.

1952: Billy Wade, LA Rams - Made two pro bowls during his career but finished with 124 tds to 134 ints. Never had a season with the Rams where he threw 2 or more tds than ints. His best season was a 12 td 11 int effort in a 4-7-1 season. To rub salt in the wound he won a NFL Championship for the Chicago Bears in 1963 after being traded to them following his 7 mediocre seasons with the Rams.

TO BE DETERMINED

2005: Alex Smith, San Francisco - Only his third year in the league but the 49ers are again one of the worst teams in the league and have not come close to the playoffs during his 3 years. I'll give him a slight benefit of the doubt and leave him in the TBD list. But he's speeding towards bust status right now.

2007: JaMarcus Russel, Oakland - Russel has yet to take a snap in the NFL. So who really knows.

MAKING THE PLAYOFFS ONE UNIMPRESSIVE PASS AT A TIME

2001: Michael Vick, Atlanta - Was initially thought of as the evolution of the Quarterback position and was good enough to make several Pro Bowls and win a lot of games. Vick never reached a Superbowl and has subsequently embarrassed the entire city of Atlanta and left the Falcons in shambles. Because of this he should go down as a worse pick than Manning. Atleast the Joey Harrington days for the Giants are no where in site.

2004: Eli Manning, San Diego traded to New York - After 3 1/2 seasons as a starting quarterback Manning has established himself as a middle of the pack QB and barring a major collapse this season will have led the Giants to back to back to back playoff appearances. In his 3 1/2 seasons Manning has thrown 70 touchdowns to 59 interceptions at a moderately inaccurate 55% completion clip.

PRO BOWLERS BUT NOT BIG GAME WINNERS

1975: Steve Bartkowski, Atlanta - Bartkowski played all but one year of his 12 year career with the Falcons, spent most time as the starter and even made the Pro Bowl twice. However, the Falcons never sniffed the Superbowl.

2003: Carson Palmer, Cincinnati - Would generally be taken by fans around the country over Eli and has put up better offensive numbers. However, in Palmers career with one additional season under his belt he has one less playoff appearance going on two less.

1993: Drew Bledsoe, New England - Had decent success for the Patriots during his tenure and led them to one Superbowl loss, however the best thing he ended up doing for the franchise was getting injured and handing the helm over to the Golden Boy.

IMMORTALS

1983: John Elway, Baltimore traded to Denver - Won two superbowls and was inducted into the Hall of Fame and is considered one of the best Quarterbacks of all time. And most similarly to Manning refused to play for the team with the #1 pick.

1998: Peyton Manning, Indianapolis - Eli's true curse is his older brother. He is the constant unfair comparison, is a shoe-in for the Hall when he retires and got over his playoff jitters last year.

1989: Troy Aikman, Dallas - Part of the Jimmy Johnson masterminded triplets. Helped lead the Cowboys to three Superbowls.

1970: Terry Bradshaw, Pittsburgh - Won 4 Superbowl titles for the Steelers, played his entire career for the organization and was inducted into the Hall of Fame.

QUICK CONCLUSION

When you take a look at where Eli sits amongst the overall #1s Giants fans should be relatively happy. Since Eli's brother was drafted at #1 the majority of his peers have been draft busts. After about 3 1/2 seasons Eli's numbers are good but not great, his record is good but not great and he should in no way be considered a bust. Sorry you New Yorkers didn't end up with an Immortal but quit your bitching.

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For One Week the White Warriors Sit Atop


The White Warriors are in first place, it'll probably last only a week so I had to do this before the story was spoiled. Anyway can any of you clowns actually name all 15 of the White Warriors by just looking at their faces?

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NFL Week 12 Awards

Wow You Guys Suck: New York Offenses, Combined this long holiday weekend the New York Offenses accounted for a total 48 points. They scored 20 points for their own teams, and provided 4 interceptions for touchdowns for the either teams. Solid job by both Eli and Clemens. Both were responsible for 4 more opposing team points then their teams final outcome. Runners Up: Redskins held the Bucs without a first down but still lost because of turnovers, the Chargers are not back they just played the Ravens who suck.

This Scarecrow Needs a Brain: Herman Edwards,Maybe your kicker sucks, I mean he probably does. But when you have your team lined up for a tying 40 yard field goal in the 4th quarter and instead you decide to go for it. Well that's just plain old dumb. Runners Up: Rackers and the Cardinals Special teams both blew clock management and the next field goal, Denver you see those Out of Bounds lines if you kick it past them Devin Hester can't return the kick.

Cough Cough Cough: Denver Broncos, Did you look across the field at all during the game and realize that you shouldn't kick the ball to Devin Hester? Furthermore did you realize that Rex Grossman was leading the Bears to 4th quarter comeback touchdowns and overtime game winning drives? The Broncos pretty much had choke down pat this weekend. Runners Up: Kurt Warner apparently doesn't know that you're supposed to get rid of the ball in the end zone after 5 solid seconds of protection, Gus the Headbutter apparently lathered up some butter on his fingers for that 4th down play.

The Shocker: San Fran's Offense, Maybe it was the Cardinals defense, but either way the 49ers throwing up 31 points on the board in regulation is pretty ridiculous considering how inept they have been for the past few weeks.Runners Up: Philadelphia coming within a few plays by Asante of winning the game was certainly stunning, the Bungals destroying the Titans was not expected.

The Pimp: Brett Favre, Seriously? What is going on with Brett this season, every week he seems to get better. Where did the old Gunslinger make some mistakes Brett go? Now it's 20 straight completions Brett and maybe I should actually be in consideration for the MVP Brett. Runners Up: Ocho Cinco actually made an appearance this weekend, Devin Hester is the Bears only weapon.

You Got JAKKED UP: Ricky Williams, Welcome back to the league Ricky, I hope you enjoyed that first fumble and the nice running rib stomp you subsequently received.

My Fantasy Anti-MVP: Fucking Rain, All Big Ben needed to do was throw one fuckign td or not throw that god damn int. Or throw another 2 fucking completions god fucking damn it I hate fantasy fucking football I get screwed every god damn fucking week.

New York Jets MVP: Turkey, At least the Turkey's magical powers had me fall asleep during the game, even if it was just for one or two drives it was still better than watching the entire game.

My Picks

My Picks: 9-7
Preseason Picks: 10-6
Picks Vs. Spread: 7-9

Not so good. But how was I supposed to know Pittsburgh was going to be a mud bowl. I should have changed that pick last minute.

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NCAA Week 13 Power Rankings

Monday, November 26, 2007

Remember this is all about Quality Wins and Bad Losses so if you hold the best out of conference win in the country and play in a far superior conference you just might have an advantage in the rankings despite an extra loss or two.

1. Missouri -The Tigers leap up to take the #1 spot in the polls based on their big victory at Arrowhead this weekend. Unfortunately for them they still have one remaining game against the Sooners in what most likely will be a moderately hostile crowd. Quality Wins: @Illinois, Texas Tech, Kansas(n)

2. Louisiana State -I know losing at home in November is a no-no for making the title game and I am fully aware that this team has 2 losses while both the Mountaineer and Buckeyes do not. However, they have the single best out of conference win this season in the slaughter they put down on VaTech. They lost two games in Triple Overtime, one on a failed two point conversion. Yet somehow the pollsters rank Tech above the Tigers, great logic. Quality Wins: VaTech, Florida, Auburn, Miss St.

3. Georgia - Just in case you can't see the mini theme here 2 loss teams in the SEC > than one loss teams in conferences such as Big Ten and Big East. The Bulldogs faltering at Rocky Top and the Vols pulling out dramatic late victories the last two weeks denies College Football fans everywhere of the best possible SEC title game. Quality Wins: (n)Florida, Troy, Auburn, Kentucky, @GT Bad Loss: South Carolina

4. West Virginia -I think I might be reaching with West Virginia over Ohio State to be completely honest. As bad as the Big 10 is, I still think it's better than the Big East this year and thus that gives the edge to OSU. However, and maybe this is a complete reach, but I'm giving the slight edge to WVU for pounding Miss St. a bowl eligible SEC team that had some big upsets this season. Quality Wins: @Cincy, @Rutgers, Miss St., UConn

5. Ohio St. - The idle Buckeyes are unfortunately on the doorstep of another BCS title birth. All they need is for the favored Sooners to knock off Mizzou in the Alamo dome or the Wanny's to pull of a big upset. I really hope this doesn't happen and really wish voters would have kept LSU ahead of them in the polls. Quality Wins: @Penn St., Wisconsin, @Michigan

6. Oklahoma - Somehow someway the Sooners have an outside chance at the National Title game. If the Wanny boys knock off WVU, which as unlucky as it would seem it is the 2007 season, then the Sooners will arguably control their destiny. Defeating the #1 team in the Nation would certainly give them the largest boost in the polls and could elevate them above both LSU, VT, UGA and Kansas.Quality Wins: Texas(n), Missouri Bad Loss: Colorado

7. Boston College -There win losses are probably mildly less impressive than VT but I'll give them the little edge for knocking out the Hokies in Blacksburg. Either way the champion will be decided on saturday. Quality Wins: Wake Forest, @VT, @Clemson, GT Bad Loss: Maryland

8. Virginia Tech - The Hokies are playing their best football of the season and really are one final two minute collapse away from being the front runner for the BCS title game. They still have a ridiculous outside chance, but realistically its win and drink some Orange Juice.Quality Wins: @Clemson, FSU, @UVA, GT

9. Florida - Tim Tebow is everyone's hero. I bet all Gator fans are relieved the Broken hand happened this week and not during the heart of the SEC season. Either way the hand should be healed by the time he picks up the Heisman trophy in a few weeks. Quality Wins: Troy, Tennessee, @Kentucky, FSU

10. Tennessee - The Vols join the top 11 ranks after narrowly squeeking out back to back victories and winning the SEC East. Perhaps this will save fatty Phil from getting shitcanned. Quality Wins: UGA, @Miss St., Arkansas, @Kentucky Bad Loss: South Carolina

11. Illinois - Would anybody at the beginning of the season have thought for a single second that the Zookers were going to wind up a top 10 team at the end of the season. A few things tip there way this weekend and they could actually wind up in the Rose Bowl, who would have figured. Quality Wins: Penn St., Wisconsin, @Ohio St. Bad Loss: @Iowa

Dropped Out: Arizona St. couldn't hold up with the big boys of the Pac 10. Oregon is not good with their 3rd and 4th string QBs.

Noticeable Absences: Kansas should not be ranked that highly. They beat A&M, that's it. They played a few ok teams and lost to the only good team they played.

Previous Weeks: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12

(n) = neutral field

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How to Properly Prep for a Rivalry Game


The best way to prep for a big rivalry game as the Oregon St. fanbase show, is by plastering pictures of your rivals mascot and logo inside a porto potty so that you can urinate and/or dump on your opponent the entirety of your tailgating. Way to go Beaver fans.

Courtesy of The Wizard of Odds from Beavers Blog

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The Scalabrine Watch Week 4

This season the NBA has listened to one of my many thoughts and has started to track a players +/- during the course of individual games. Due to my dislike of Brian Scalabrine, I am going to track the severely overpaid redhead in a weekly post called The Scalabrine Watch.

Celtics 105 Golden State 82: +9
Scals in this easy win had some contributions. Dropped a triple and picked up 2 boards and an assist in yet another blowout.

Game Stats: 13 Minutes, 1-2, 3 Points, 2 Rebounds, 1 Assist

Celtics 107 Lakers 94: -1
Scals was 2s across the board against the Lakeshow in yet another Celtics easy victory.

Game Stats: 11 Minutes, 1-2, 2 Points, 2 Rebounds, 2 Assists

Celtics 96 Charlotte 95: -6
Scals -6 is his worst +/- of the season to date. And a negative one per minute played is certainly piss poor, but Ray Ray hit a buzzer beating triple to win the game so... it doesn't matter.

Game Stats: 6 Minutes, 1-3, 2 Points, 1 Rebound, 0 Assists

Overall Week Performance: +2
Scals performance was the worst of the season thus far, but still he managed to just sneak by in the positives based on his solid +/- in the Golden St. game.

Week Stats: 30 Minutes, 3-7, 7 Points, 5 Rebounds, 3 Assists

Overall Season Performance: +38
Scals has yet to have a negative week this season and while his production is diminishing slightly it's tough to kill a man on a team that is currently 11-1 and for the most part wins comfortably in every game.

Season Stats:12 MPG, .344 FG%, 2.7 PPG, 1.9 RPG, 1 APG

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Andy Meet Bill


1. Normally I'd say Bill isn't looking at the opposing coach cause he's a dick, frankly I think he was just afraid of being eaten.
2. "Hey Bill, you ratting out my two kids for selling you drugs did not make me happy."
3. "They are who we thought they were, and we let them off the hook."
4. "Nice headband asshole."
5. "Good try Andy, almost as good as that Superbowl we won."

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The Fantasy Pick Six

After tonights ball game, assuming Three Day Old Cheeseburger puts up more than 6 points against the lowly Dolphins I will have my first two win week in a very long time, and putting it bluntly I should have gotten my ass handed to me this week if Fantasy Football made any sense at all.

See I have Eli Manning, in both leagues, the very Eli Manning who played one of the worst games in the history of the NFL and easily the worst game of his career. However, due to my leagues being heavily quarterback point centric Eli put up 9 and 10 points respectively in my leagues. Even in the most non quarterback centric leagues -2 for a turnover, 4 for a td and 1 for 50 passing yards, Eli Manning put up positive points. In one of my matchups Eli actually put up three more points than Vince Young and while Vince had a poor game it's pretty easy to say that Eli had a worse game and yet Eli put up more points. Why? Because Fantasy Leagues ignore the Pick Six.

Why is a pass for ten yards worth more than a pass for ten yards and a touchdown and yet an interception is always just that an interception, regardless of whether or not the throw is brought to the house. Simple math says 3 to 1. Eli Manning threw for 4 touchdowns, three for the Vikings and one for the Giants. One plus negative three equals negative two. If Eli Manning's performance wasn't a negative than really what is?

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College Football Picture Caption

"So I was talking with Bill, and letting him no that we were going to let him go and explaining to him that his defense was the main reason for the firing, to which he responded 'Uh, but Senator there is no D in Bill Callahan'. I mean what the fuck."





1. Ya take that double digit losses.
2. We just concluded the greatest Notre Dame Season ever...
3. Or worst.









"I practice Limbo by myself, I am top 5 in the nation right now and one of the few americans who can efficiently practice while holding the limbo stick at the same time. Talent Extraordinare. I just do this band thing to limbo practice."






1. I just Croomed myself.
2. The Croom is allergic to ice.
3. The Croom is going bowling for the first time and there will be gutter balls thrown everywhere.





1. I really thought it was pronounced R-Kansas and not R-Can-Saw.
2. You doubted my abilities to end the season with 2 losses, oh how you were wrong.
3. Where's that plane ticket to Ann Arbor?






1. I don't know if this was the smartest thing I've ever done.
2. Isn't this how Colt got his last concussion?
3. That guy in the glasses in the front row is pretty pumped up.









3. Tim Tebow's man juices in a jar.
4. Tim Tebow's baby.
5. Tim Tebow's child support payments.









1. Yep I banged her.
2. And her
3. And her
4. And her
5. And her
6. And her
7. And her
8. And her...


1. Oh please help me mommy.
2. I did not sign up to actual play when I came her as the 3rd string quarterback.
3. Good thing I'm wearing my butt plug.









1. I thought it was a lie, but damn he really is this wide.
2. I bet that dude could eat a Cheesburger this big.
3. I wonder if he needs all doors in his office this wide so he can fit through them.



1. One can of paint lasts an entire season for me with my rail thin arms.
2. Tebow's arm is bigger than my body.
3. Hell Tebow's dong is bigger than my arm.





1. Woo it's over, our coach is finally going to resign.
2. We're the best team in the great state of Texas, and we stink.
3. I'm riding my imaginary motorcycle and it is the coolest.





1. I look like I should be attending a Special Ed school near you.
2. Virginia just lost to a team coached by an assface, ha.
3. I just found out that Tyrod Taylor is Michael Vick #2, that's pretty cool.

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Monday-Mini Video Blowout

I didn't get the Friday Video Blowout out last week so here's a little mini one to get your week started. The first video is classic.

Courtesy in order of The Big Lead, EC, Who ate all the pies, We Are the Postmen, 100% IR


This is my favorite video perhaps of all time.


You would think this would have been more entertaining than the typical human tetris, but alas Asians are funnier than models.


Hmm this Kevin Durant may be good. Who knew.


Whoops wrong goal.


That is the precise reason why he's the starting QB.


Good interview...

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Not the Place to Slip N' Slide

Sunday, November 25, 2007


There's stupid and then there's taking a face first dive in the troth.

Courtesy of Who Ate All the Pies

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Scott Carson May Need to Leave the UK

Friday, November 23, 2007


Not exactly a phenomenal effort for Carson against Croatia in cementing the British Isles lack of an appearance next year in the European Championships.

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British Isles Separating from Europe


Every 4 years all of Europe's attention focuses squarely on what nation will lay claim to be the best of the continent. Ever since the finish of the 2006 World Cup, these European Nations have been fighting to qualify for the occasion as only 16 Nations qualify. Only 14 when you take into account the hosting nations Austria and Switzerland received automatic births. And after 12 games played by each Nation the field has been set and it consists of not one team from the British Isles.

Wales
The lone British Isle who finished worst than 3rd in their qualifying group. Wales finished 5th in Group D, two spots behind Ireland.

Ireland
Ireland finished third in their grouping much like the rest of the British Isles, however the were eliminated long ago as Germany and the Czech Republic cruised to Euro 08.

Northern Ireland
Northern Ireland made a significant push for qualifying, finishing 3rd in their grouping. However, 2 losses to both Latvia and Iceland spoiled the rest of their results which included going 2-1-1 against the eventual group qualifiers Sweden and Spain.

Scotland
The Scots made a valient effort in a group that contained both France and World Cup Champs Italy. Going into their final match against Italy in Glasgow, the Scots sat a lone point behind France and a point above Italy in the standings and a win could get them into the field. However, the Italians broke the tie game in the 91st minute and the Scots were sunk for good.

England
Obviously the biggest failures of the group. England suffered some inexcusable outcomes but had one last match at home versus Croatia, where a victory would put them in place for qualifying. However, after pulling the game even a 2-2 they gave up the deciding goal and finished off the Isles for good as well as their manager who was sacked the next day.

Perhaps the Isles should just start their own tournament next year. British Isles 08. Atleast then there would be some kind of International football to look forward to off the mainland.

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Lou Holtz Does Not LikeToledo

Thursday, November 22, 2007


Well that Pep talk didn't quite make sense. But Lou probably won't be welcomed with open arms the next time he covers a Toledo game.

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Degrees of Loss Separation: A&M > Texas

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The Degrees of Loss Separation is a simple concept, I go out and find a highly rated team with some losses playing against a crappy team with lots of losses. Next I find a chain of losses which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt (not at all) that the underdog is going to pull the major upset and storm the field. The Final Outcome is calculated simply: Add up the scores of the losers, add up the scores of the winners in the degrees of loss separation and divide both by the # of degrees.

The Game: Texas A&M Aggies vs. Texas Longhorns

Every year Americans everywhere turn on the tube on Thanksgiving to watch the Cowboys play. Well every year the day after Thanksgiving Texans are equally focused on football when A&M and the Longhorns clash. Last year the Longhorns came in fighting for the Big 12 title but were battered and bruised by A&M and Colt took the pounding of a lifetime. This year A&M comes in reeling to the tune of a 6-5 schedule, meanwhile Texas with a win and an Okie St. upset could sneak their way into the Big 12 title game.

3º of Loss Separation : A&M beat Nebraska beat Kansas St. beat Texas

The Aggies despite winning only three conference games thus far managed to go into Lincoln and knock off the equally bad Nebraska Cornhuskers. The Cornhuskers then followed that up with a few more bad losses until all of a sudden they decided to play Old School Nebraska blowout football and laid a whoopin on Kansas St. The same Kansas St. shocked the nation when they ended the Longhorns title hopes nice and early in the Big 12 schedule.

Final Outcome: Texas A&M 50 Texas 22

All of the above outcomes were big time blowouts so when taking their averages it looks like the Aggies are going to kill Colt McCoy again and score at absolute will in their efforts to once again own the Texas football world. So much for the Big 12 title game Colt.

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The Big 5 College Football Games of the Weekend

A lot of big time football this weekend. A lot of it.

Bonus. Boise St. Broncos at Hawaii Warriors
I actually couldn't just leave it at 5 this week. There are massive title and BCS implication matchups this week, including the Broncos trip to Hawaii. If Colt and the Warriors can knock off Boise St. that would earn some nice pollster points and could solidify a trip to a BCS game.The Pick: Broncos can't burst the Warriors bubble after long plane flight.

5. Tennessee Volunteers at Kentucky Wildcats
The Vols were that close to coughing away a tript to face LSU in the SEC title game and now just have the a trip to Lexington in the way. A trip which they pretty much never lose. The Pick: Vols snub the Bulldogs their SEC title chance.

4. Virginia Tech Hokies at Virginia Cavaliers
Winner gets a trip to Jacksonville to face off against the Boston College Eagles. Who would have thought after getting pummeled by Wyoming in week 1 that the Cavaliers would have this chance The Pick: Hokies knock off the Grohboys.

3. Fraudconn Huskies at West Virginia Mountaineers
Fraudconn has been brought back to Earth, but got a nice propping up from the Orangement last week. The Mountaineers can see the Superdome ahead but need to take care of business against the Huskies, who with a win would secure the Big East crown. The Pick: Mountaineers in a good ole fashion mountain beating.

2. Southern California Trojans at Arizona State Sun Devils
My buddy Tony's parents moved down to Zona a few years back and he typically visits them on Thanksgiving. So earlier this year he lets me know he and his father are going to the Sun Devils USC game and we think there should atleast be some hot girls there. Little did we know that the Sun Devils would be a 9-1 team looking to secure a trip to the Rose Bowl The Pick: Not so fast, Trojans knock off Devils of the Sun.

1. Missouri Tigers at Kansas Jayhawks
This is obviously the most important matchup of the weekend. The winner is one game away from the National title game while the loser must mull over lost opportunities and contemplate how they just lost their programs best chance at ever winning a national title. The Pick: Chase Daniel leads Mizzou to the Victory.

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NFL Week 12 Pick Suggestions

One good week means this will definitely be a poor one.

5. Arizona Cardinals (-10 1/2) at San Fransisco 49ers
This line is absolutely ridiculous but the 49ers suck that bad.

4. Indianapolis Colts (-11 1/2) at Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons really shouldn't have anywhere near the amount of wins they currently have. They're gonna get pummeled.

3. New York Jets (+14 1/2) at Dallas Cowboys
The Jets have only gotten crushed once this season, and that was against the Pats. And the Cowboys are good but they're not the Pats.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (-16 1/2) vs. Miami Dophins
The Steelers will be back this monday after their O line decided to skip out on the Jets game.

1. New England Patriots(-22 1/2) vs. Philadelphia Eagles
I'm not picking against the Patriots. It's severely bad for your health.

Survivor League Pick: Death to Norv Chargers

Indy is the best team I've got remaining and they're playing the Falcons. Not difficulty.

Non-Spread Picks

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